[Sbr1966]

Should I be worried? My wife recently gave me her phone to look up something, and I knew she had looked it up a few hours beforehand, so I went to her History tab. When I was searching, I discovered that she is a frequent pornography viewer. I wanted to see what kind of videos she watched–to see what turns her on. I didn’t like what I saw however. Every few days she would watch porn videos immediately after or immediately before googling pictures and news stories of a guy in our hometown–almost as if he were a regular feature in her porn viewing. I know the guy fairly well. He’s a professor at our local college. I confronted her about it, but she says it was just a coincidence that her searches of him were adjacent to her viewing of porn, even though she would return to the same picture or story of the guy up to 15 times in a row. Also, she looked up his contact info in the online white pages. I want to believe her. She has never given me reason before to mistrust her. I’m deeply in love with her. I hope she’s telling me the truth or at worst that she has some strange ifatuation with the guy but has never acted on it. I also feel bad that I snooped on her. I shouldn’t even know this info, but I do and can’t get it out of my head. Can you tell me your opinion as to what I should do? She says she’s done discussing it and that my bringing it up is hurting our relationship. I want to forget it and move on but I’m having a hard time doing that. Do I need a psychiatrist, a marriage counselor, or simply time to put it behind me? Thanks in advance for any help you can offer.

[AskApril Masini]

How long have the two of you been together? And how long have you been married? Also, how old are you both?

[Sbr1966]

We’ve been married for 17 years and dated for a year before we got married. We knew each other for many years before that. We have a 14-year-old son and a10-year-old daughter. I’m 50 years old, and my wife is 40.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it.

I don’t think you need a psychiatrist or a marriage counselor! 😉 I think you stumbled on an opportunity (yes — an opportunity) to improve your marriage. Your wife isn’t having her sexual needs met in the relationship, and she’s dabbling outside of it, if your instincts about this other guy are correct. I know you want to be locked and loaded on this infidelity issue, but my advice is to shift focus. People don’t look outside the marriage because of what they see out there — they look outside the marriage because of what’s not happening in the marriage. My advice is that you put your attention on your relationship with your wife. Get the romance and spark back in the relationship. This will take work, but it will be worth it. And take her advice — stop bringing up the lapse you found. By doing so, you’re putting energy on the wound, picking at the scab, instead of on the healing process. 😉 I know it’s hard for you to deal with this — but your choices are that you do or you don’t. Start romancing her today. 😉

[Sbr1966]

Thank you very much! I just wanted you to know that, although it’s still early, I’ve taken your advice and it’s working great. Our relationship is much, much better and, as a result, our sex is amazing! I don’t care anymore whether she did anything with this guy, just fantasized about him, or if it was truly a coincidence. Who cares? Things are going great now, and we’re enjoying each day. Your point about it being an opportunity was spot-on. That’s how I decided to look at it, and it truly has become an amazing opportunity. I’ll recommend you to anyone I know who needs relationship advice. Thanks again!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m so happy to hear your good news! 🙂 And, of course, I’m glad I could help. 😉

[Sally]

The porn itself isn’t really the issue. A lot of people watch porn. What’s bothering you is the pattern. Repeatedly looking up the same real person, right next to porn, and even searching for his contact info? That’s not just random curiosity. It sounds like a fixation, even if it never crossed into action.
At the same time, you snooped. You already know that. So now you’re stuck holding information you weren’t meant to have, and that makes everything louder in your mind.

Her shutting down the conversation doesn’t automatically mean she’s hiding an affair, but it does mean she doesn’t want to face how this landed on you. That hurts.
You don’t need a psychiatrist. And jumping straight to marriage counseling might be a lot. What you do need is time to calm your nervous system and then one more honest conversation focused on how this made you feel, not what she did wrong.
If she truly cares, she’ll eventually want to help you feel safe again. And if this keeps eating at you, that’s your sign it can’t just be buried.

[Tara]

People don’t repeatedly Google the same man, stare at his photos a dozen times, look up his contact information, and then sandwich that behavior between porn sessions by accident. That’s not randomness. That’s fixation. Your wife is sexually associating that man with arousal. Period. End of discussion.

Now let’s dismantle your coping fantasies. “She’s never given me a reason before” is irrelevant. Cheating doesn’t announce itself with a press release. It starts exactly like this: curiosity, fixation, fantasy, boundary erosion. You’re staring at step two and pretending it’s step zero because the alternative scares you.

You didn’t ruin anything by snooping. You uncovered something uncomfortable. That’s not betrayal, that’s awareness. What is a problem is that when you confronted her with objective facts, she didn’t reassure you, clarify transparently, or show concern for your distress. She shut it down and blamed you for “hurting the relationship.” That’s classic deflection. When someone refuses discussion, it’s because discussion threatens something they don’t want examined.

Now let’s talk about you. You’re spiraling because your instincts are screaming, and you’re trying to sedate them with guilt. Stop. You don’t need a psychiatrist to notice patterns. You don’t need “time” to magically erase unease. And marriage counseling only works if both people are willing to be honest. She already told you she’s not.
Here’s the hard line: either she agrees to reopen the conversation calmly, transparently, and without gaslighting you, or you accept that you are married to someone who will shut you down when the truth gets inconvenient. That’s the real issue, not porn, not the professor’s control of reality.

[Member]

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