[gunst]

Hi,
I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months. I’m trying to work out if its worth staying with her. We both study the same degree at the same university. The problem is, she takes her studies and career very seriously and this leaves almost no time for me. She constantly blows me off or changes plans to make more room for her to study/volunteer/build her career somehow. At the moment, I see her maybe once a week for a few hours. For example, on Saturday night, we decided to go to a friends BBQ together and she would pick me up at 6PM. We would go for a few hours and then leave and hang out. First, She messaged me she was studying so would come at 7 instead, then we went to the BBQ for a few hours and left just before 10. So we were back at my house at 10PM and I asked her to come inside but she said no she wanted to go to bed early so she could get up early and study tomorrow. So I haven’t seen her for a week and wont see her for another week and the only time I see her is for 3 hours surrounded by other people at a BBQ. It just hurts that even on a Saturday night she couldn’t spare a few hours to spend alone with me. This happens regularly and it bothers me. Am I being unreasonable? The problem is, I am very much in love with her.

She got a summer job so will be living in another state for 3 months over this summer and in July next year she is going on a student exchange to Sweden and will be gone for 8 months. So I already barely see her and will not see her at all for most of a year. I’m struggling to see the point in continuing the relationship. But as I said, i’m very much in love with her. The little time we do spend together is great, we are always laughing and having a great time. I think that’s what makes it harder because I just feel like we are missing out on so much. We could be having so much fun. Even if I do stay with her, got through the next year, I’m thinking nothing would change and she would just still have no time for me, so whats the point….

So I think what i’m asking, is a lack of time a good enough reason to break up with someone you are in love with?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Before you break up with her, see if you can make some adjustments in your own behavior that may make a change in the relationship dynamics. It sounds like there is a lot that is good, and the problem you’re having is not seeing her as much as you’d like to. So, for starters, it sounds like she did get together with you on Saturday night for three hours — but the date was a party with others, which left you feeling like you didn’t get enough private time with her. Next time you go out on a date with her, make sure that you invite her to do something that meets your needs — like dinner together, or doing something that is just the two of you. Deciding to go to a friend’s home for a party, together, isn’t the best use of your time together given her schedule. 😉 If you can direct the quality of the time you do spend together, you may feel better about the relationship. It’s okay to tell her that you want her all to yourself. 😎

As for the frequency of your time together, it sounds like her studies are a priority over her relationship with you. If you can wrap your head around that, and understand that this isn’t a bad thing — she’s not putting playing the field, or dating another guy ahead of you, just her college studies, which is an investment in her future — maybe you can try not to “book” her time as much as you have been. Her canceling on you may be her prioritizing school over relationship, but it also may be an unrealistic demand you’re placing on someone who’s a serious student. Many times I hear from people who are dating men or women in demanding careers where long hours and overseas travel are the norm. This requires serious compromise and consideration about whether or not you, or anyone, wants to date someone who is focused on success. It sounds like things are good with the two of you, but limited. When you’re with an emergency room doctor, or a police officer or a high powered business woman, they’re going to have responsibilities that are part of their careers, and part of who they are. You may decide you understand this, and want to reserve a weekly date night instead of three date nights a week, or that you’re just really more compatible with someone who has more time for you. This is a compatibility question that has nothing to do with love. 😉 And if you want to take a cue from women who call themselves “golf widows” because their husbands spend all their time on the golf courses, I recommend taking up the cause! In other words, if she’s super studious, go to the library with her! Have a study date or two or three. If you can’t beat her, join her! 🙂 One of you needs to compromise, and if you adapting to her lifestyle gives you more access to her free time, it might be a good idea to do so.

And lastly, so you don’t feel like you’re forgotten, or that there’s an out of sight, out of mind aspect to the relationship, you can use the time when you’re not together, to woo her in an old fashioned way, that’s actually effective. Love letters — even electronic texts — little gifts, and reminders that you’re crazy about her, are all great ways of keeping a relationship hot when you’re not together, for whatever reason. 😉

I hope that helps!

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