[mmath123]

I suffer from depression, anxiety & paranoia. Me & my boyfriend started off as friends, I met him when I was pregnant but unfortunately the father of the baby left. He was there for me throughout. Eventually we admitted that we liked each other, but wanted to take things slow. Now we’ve gotten to the stage where I would class us as “in a relationship”. I am still wary because my baby comes before anything & I would never want her to get hurt. He’s a sweet & gentle person (except for when he’s angry of course), it’s like he’s a completely different person. Over the past few weeks things have seemed different, he’s had family issues & has been very distant, but he won’t tell me whats wrong. My paranoia kicked in when I saw a girl commenting on his Instagram photos with love heart faces. I questioned him on it & he said that he’s known her for years, & he doesn’t see her like that. I’m not sure if I believe him. Sometimes when I call him late at night it comes up as “call waiting” on my phone, I assumed that he was on the phone to someone. But again when I questioned him he just said he was asleep.
This is just a couple of things making me paranoid, as I want to keep this as short as I can. My paranoia drives me insane, & I don’t want to hurt him by accusing him of things that he’s not doing. Also I don’t want to make myself more ill with all this anxiety, etc. Apart of me thinks is it best to let go, he’s said in the past that he doesn’t want to lose me, but I just can’t get these thoughts out of my head.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he’s distracted with family issues. If he won’t talk to you about them, then you should understand that he doesn’t feel close enough to you to divulge them. This could be temporary because he doesn’t feel the two of you are close enough to do that yet — or it could be permanent and this is just who he is when it comes to family. Or, he may not be as into you as you imagined and this is the way you’re figuring that out.

Usually when a couple is moving towards something serious they talk about their families because they want to share and they want you to be part of their family and understand the dynamics. Since you’ve been dating for a year now, and this has come up, it’s a great opportunity for you to consider if this is someone you want to continue dating or not. You don’t have to feel trapped because you’re not married, you’re just dating. But you should see this crossroads as an opportunity to ask, learn and reconsider.

As for your questions about this other woman, you’ve asked him about her and he’s answered you. I think you’re right that it’s important not to pick at him or your relationship with him because you don’t completely believe him — because he’s given you his answer. For now, you have some observing and considering to do! Hang back, ask and listen, and stay open to all possibilities. I hope that helps.

[Sally]

I don’t think the real question is whether he’s doing something wrong. I think the question is whether this relationship feels safe for you right now. His distance, his anger when he’s angry, the not explaining things all of that leaves room for your mind to spiral, and that’s not your fault.

Breaking up wouldn’t mean you failed or didn’t love him enough. It would mean you’re protecting your peace and your child. At the same time, you don’t have to decide everything today. You could tell him honestly that the silence and distance are making things worse for you, and see if he can show up differently.
If staying feels like constant fear, that matters. Love shouldn’t feel like survival mode.

[Tara]

Your biggest problem isn’t this man; it’s that your untreated fear is running the relationship while you watch it burn.
You entered a relationship while openly unstable, hyper-vigilant, and terrified of abandonment, then attached yourself to a man during a crisis in your life. That doesn’t make this romantic; it makes it fragile from day one.

He became your emotional anchor when you were vulnerable, and now every shift in his behavior feels like a threat to your survival instead of just… a human being having issues of his own.

Let’s get something straight. Instagram heart emojis are meaningless. Call waiting could be a glitch. Family stress can make people withdraw. None of that is proof of betrayal. But here’s the uncomfortable part: even if he were doing absolutely nothing wrong, you would still be spiraling. Because your paranoia isn’t responding to evidence, it’s feeding itself.

And your line about him being “sweet except when he’s angry”? That’s not cute. That’s a warning. You’re already walking on eggshells while accusing him in your head and interrogating him out loud. That combination destroys relationships fast. Nobody wants to be someone’s emotional crime suspect.

You are not currently in a position to have a healthy relationship. Not because you’re broken, but because you’re expecting this man to regulate your anxiety, reassure your paranoia, and absorb your fear while also being perfect for your child. That’s an impossible job. And if you keep going like this, you won’t protect your baby; you’ll model instability.

[Member]

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