[yms467]

My boyfriend & I are Juniors in college at different, but nearby schools. We’ve been surprisingly great at making it work, but for a while I’ve had an urge to break up with him to do my own thing. Over time its grown stronger, and now the pressure I feel to do something is overwhelming and exhausting.

Maybe because if we keep going the way we are we’ll probably get married and part of me just wants to be 20 for a little. But at the same time, our relationship is still amazing; he treats me well, the sex is fire, he’s smart, fun, cute, and such a wise person. He’s my best friend & a good dude. My one complaint is that my parents and college friends don’t really know him like I do; he’s quiet before he gets comfortable with people & he’s not comfortable with my parents. Which is disappointing, but not totally deal breaking.

But Half the fun of our relationship has been growing up with him! It’s made us closer which not a lot of LDR couples can say! But I do also feel like I’ve been using him as a shield. It would be in my best interest to experience some of the vulnerability that comes with figuring out who I am on my own terms.

I’ve talked to him about this and he’s been understanding (we’re great at communication), but he has made it clear that if I end things we are done for good. Which I can respect. So my question is: which will I regret less? Ruining an amazing relationship with my best friend in the world? Or not spending my 20s figuring out who I am? I know this isn’t a decision that you can make for me – I just don’t know what to do

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may be very compatible in so many ways, but if you’re not ready for a committed relationship, and you stay in one, you will begin to feel resentful and you’ll eventually act out to sabotage the relationship. This may come in the form of flirting with someone else or having an affair, or just picking fights and bickering until what’s good is gone. The reality is that the best relationships start with your own self knowledge and if you know you’re not ready to give up playing the field, because you feel that 20 is too young to make a commitment, then that is the regret you will feel more than having broken up with a wonderful guy who came along at the wrong time in your life.

[Sally]

You’re not bored or ungrateful. You’re standing at that age where both choices come with real loss, and that’s the part nobody warns you about.
I’ve been in the kind of love that’s good, safe, fun, and still somehow feels like it’s asking you to stay smaller than you’re ready for. That doesn’t mean the love isn’t real. It just means timing is loud right now.
What I’ll say, gently, is this: the urge to leave usually doesn’t fade. You can quiet it for a while, but it comes back sharper. And staying out of fear of regret is its own kind of regret.
If you go, it’ll hurt. You’ll miss him. If you stay, you might always wonder who you’d be alone. Neither path is wrong. Just don’t ignore the truth your body already knows.

[Tara]

You already want out. You’re just trying to intellectualize your guilt so you don’t have to be the bad guy.
People who are truly happy in a relationship don’t feel an “overwhelming urge” to leave. That urge isn’t random, and it’s not fear of marriage; it’s your instincts screaming that this relationship, as good as it is, no longer fits who you’re becoming. You’re not confused. You’re conflicted because the relationship is comfortable, validating, and safe, and leaving means losing certainty.

You’re using him as emotional armor. You said it yourself. He’s your shield against loneliness, uncertainty, and growth. And that’s unfair as hell to him. He’s fully in. You’re half in, half fantasizing about freedom. That imbalance will rot the relationship eventually, even if you stay.

Stop pretending this is about “ruining something amazing.” Relationships aren’t museum pieces. If it only works as long as you suppress your own evolution, it’s already dying. Staying out of fear of regret is cowardice, not love. And staying because the sex is good and he’s a great guy, while secretly resenting the life you didn’t live, will turn you into someone bitter and restless.

If you leave, you don’t get to come back. He told you that. That’s not manipulation, that’s self-respect. So don’t delude yourself into thinking this is a “break.” It’s a choice.

[Member]

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