[lostinNY]

Hello April,

I’ve thought to myself about ending my engagement for some time. I have even ventured to convince myself that the mere fact that I am writing to someone on a forum means that the engagement should be broken. I will summarize the issues at hand as briefly as possible: For reference, I am 29 with a good job. He is 31 also has a decent job, we live together, no children are involved.

We got engaged Dec 4, 2010, have been together a total of 3.5 yrs. My father does not approve of my fianceé, therefore I am considered out of his life, as well as any finanical support if I marry him (mind you I’m an only child). My parents divorced when I was a sophomore in college, my dad re-married and his personality has done a 180. My mother has a bf she has been with for some years and they are both supportive. There are some issues which are causing problems in our relationship. We have not gotten married yet because we cannot afford it. My mom wants me to pay down as much debt as possible (it’s not astronomical, but there is a 5yr plan to get it done). She will help pay for a wedding, but not until we both can get “on our feet”. Obviously I wouldn’t wait until the debt is completely paid off to have a wedding (I want a small one if we make it there).

My fianceé is financially irresponsible. He is an impluse buyer. Sees something, wants it, buys it. We have a joint bank account, which I know is something we probably shouldn’t have done yet but it makes it easier to pay all the bills. He couldn’t get a bank acct bc he owed money to a bank so I put him on my account and there you have it. He has gotten better over the years but he still makes purchases without consulting me. We are talking around $160-$300 which negatively effects how much money one thinks is in the bank account. I have found that this impulse stemms from the loss of his mother at age 15. She passed unexpectedly and he feels that he needs to buy things today because maybe he won’t be around tomorrow. I have spoken to him about it and he’s improved but in the long run it worries me.

Also…I’m not sure if its another side effect of the loss of his mother, but he says very few words. He will say “i love you” and kiss me but he is not emotional, does not have meaningful conversations with me. I just don’t think he even knows how to talk. I’ve brought this up and he gets defensive. So I drop it. But I’ve been looking outside the relationship for a connection with someone. This is wrong I know, I haven’t cheated physically but I guess if you need to go outside the relationship to feel fulfilled, isn’t that cheating? I just have a huge problem hurting people I love. I think I might be happier without him but I care way too much we have fun together, he will talk openly about our future but I don’t feel “loved”. When we do have sex it is good but he rarely initiates, it’s always me. Yet he will claim that he does. Not true. Help?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let’s talk about [i]your[/i] problem — not his. 😉 Your need to be seen as the good guy is going to create relationship problems for you whether it’s with your current fiance or someone else. I know you say that you don’t like hurting people, but you really have to understand that the world is full of big picture situations and more often than not, someone doesn’t get their way. If you can’t handle hurting someone because you care more about doing the right thing, you’re going to become a slave to this need to please, and you’re going to make decisions that are wrong for you and the other person.

So, my advice is that you find a way to understand that hurting people happens. And it’s more important to do the right thing.

That said, your fiance has some problems with spending that you’re trying to justify by his mother’s death. The reason for the problem is less important than the fact that at his age of 29, he hasn’t worked through the problem. His need to spend is either a lack of maturity or the symptom of some psychological problem, but either way, it’s going to make for problems in your marriage, and if you have children, those problems are going to be monumental. That’s why I don’t think he’s a good match for you. 😳

Your complaints that he’s not emotional or affectionate seem like they’re reasons you’re manufacturing now to justify what you want to do, but feel you need a push for: to break up with him. The truth is that if you’ve been dating someone for over three years, and he was never emotional, affectionate or responsible with money, YOU are the one who is responsible for deciding you’re incompatible and moving on.

So, yes, I do think you should end the engagement, and then I think you should buy and read Think & Date LIke A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to date smart, so you have better skills next time. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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