[houseblend]

Hi April,

I am 33 yrs old with an 8 yr old child. I have been with her father for 10 years. We never married, but only because he never wanted to. We have a lot of differences that make it hard to live together. I suffer from chronic depression and do the best I can to hold a job. My partner handles most of the household chores and complains about all the things I don’t do and never fails to tell me all the things he does on a daily basis. He has said and makes me feel as though I am not worth it to him to marry because of my illness. I am treating it but it comes and goes. Even when I do have the energy to clean or whatever, he has hurt my feelings so much that sometimes I don’t do anything on spite. I would like to leave both of them and start over. Is this normal?

I love my daughter, but she is ADHD and spending 15 minutes with her is like 3 intense hours. She is so needy that it sucks all the energy I have right out of me and I have to go lay down. I sleep alot. I don’t feel loved but I’m afraid to leave and it would kill me to hurt my daughter by not living with her full-time. All I wanted was a marriage but the rejection has turned me into a really sad person. I know you will tell me to get help for my illness, but I seriously have and this is as good as it gets with me but my environment sucks. I know that if I had a husband that cared for me that I would feel so much better. Is it better to suffer through this for my child’s sake or save my own life and start over? Thank you for your honest advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you should suffer through this, but I don’t think you should leave your daughter, so the answer is that you have to change some of your behavior to make your life better.

You’re right — I’m going to advise you to re-visit your doctor and see if you can get better treatment for your depression. Sometimes with medication and behavioral therapy as well as talk therapy, you can do better than you are now. Also, this kind of disease can change over time, so what worked before in terms of medical treatment, may need adjustment now. Be vigilant. Your health is important — not just for you, but for your daughter’s sake.

And, by the way — you can’t leave your daughter. It will devastate her and it’s unfair. Instead, do what I suggested above, and also get more help in terms of child care. Your daughter is old enough to be in school. Schedule her for extra curricular activities and tutoring after school. Keep her busy — and away from you so she doesn’t overwhelm you so that you have to leave. Send her to camp for as much of the summer as possible and visit out of town relatives with her so that they can help you with the co-parenting responsibilities. Don’t make her feel abandoned or rejected, but instead, make sure she’s well cared for — at a distance, while you’re still very much her mom in her home.

As for your boyfriend — the mere fact that you describe him as your partner speaks volumes. It sounds like the spark is gone and he feels put upon because you can’t do as much as either one of you wants. He may not be handling this gracefully, but rather than blame him, see what YOU can do to make the relationship better. My guess is that igniting the spark in your sex life is probably going to help a lot. Also if you alleviate the pressures your depression is putting on you by getting better care and by giving your daughter a more active life outside of the house, he may feel more attracted to you.

I know that the idea of all this work sounds like a drag when you’ve got this clinical depression, but you have to do it for your daughter’s sake.

I hope that helps you. Please let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter at this link: [url][/url].

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