[josephart]

When I first met my girlfriend I saw that she was the woman that I would like to build a future with. Our relationship, even though we’re from different cultures, has always been great, we are like a team together, and we didn’t have problems until the past few weeks.

She’s Chinese, and I’m working in China because I got a job there and that’s how I met her. She is pretty ambitious and likes to take risks, and she has always dreamed of becoming a flight attendant and work in Emirates. She recently got the chance to fulfill her dream and actually got the job she always wanted, so she quit her previous job. That means she’s going to be working in Dubai for at least three years in the airline industry.

Before this we considered to make a future together, however, even that I have a good job here and good probabilities of getting better salary and position in the future, there’s not much I can offer her right now, so we didn’t get engaged, because our original plan was to wait a little longer until I open my own company in China, and have better conditions before proposing her, which would take like 2 years and then get married.

She’s leaving, and I can’t tell her to stay here, that would be pretty selfish, but I’m afraid of the long absences, and on top of that, she doesn’t have holidays after the 6 month probation time, and even after that, her changing schedule will still make things complicated.

I have a lot of fears to be honest, I’ve heard a lot of stories about infidelity in long distance relationships, and I’ve also heard stories of flight attendants hooking up with the cabin crew members in their layovers, being unfaithful to their couples. My girlfriend is beautiful, and I’m also not bad looking myself, but as a flight attendant, working in Dubai, she would meet the most handsome and richest men on earth.

I know it’s all about how much we love each other to maintain the relationship, but I’m also being aware that being able to see her would be pretty difficult, only being able to see her on holidays and maybe a couple times during the year. We have discussed this and we’re aware that the feeling we have for each other may vanish with the distance, we’re pretty realistic, and nevertheless we still have hope…

But a little hope is not enough to ease my mind.
What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you do write back to me, let me know your ages and how long you’ve been dating. That always helps! 😉

This post you’ve written is more about your feelings and fear than it is about what to do next, so I’ll try to help you with that. Your fears about an in-town relationship becoming a long distance relationship, are valid. The two types of relationships are very different, and just because one works or doesn’t work, doesn’t mean the other will or won’t. It sounds like you want to pursue a long distance relationship, but your fears of her not dating other men while she’s abroad, are looming, and you’re considering giving her up because of that. The reality is that fear and anxiety, when unchecked, can create deal breakers in the relationship. So if you find that you’re more focused on fear than you are on the relationship, it’s not going to work. If you do want to make a long-distance relationship work, you have to understand that it is different than an in town relationship and you have to cut each other a lot more slack. If you can do that, then you have a shot at making this work. If you can’t, then it probably won’t.

It sounds, however, like there’s more going on here, that I can’t address until you let me know your ages, and the amount of time the two of you have dated. I’m waiting….. 🙂

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[josephart]

Well, she’s older than me, she’s currently 28 and I’m 27, and I’ve been dating her since I’ve met her in China, which is almost one year of relationship.
I have to be honest, I’m pretty scared, and I’m scared of losing her. That’s because I’ve noticed that she’s being acting odd recently, and I can feel that she’s accepting how things are now and how things will be after she leaves.

I still have hope, and I’m very committed to her, and she knows that, however, I don’t feel the same feeling of security that I had before with her, perhaps it’s because the tribulations of a long distance relationship, the unknown, the ever-changing schedules that she’s going to have, the life-style that she will have and the rejections that I’d have to deal with because of her changing mood, tiredness and loneliness if she’s decides to continue with the relationship.

She’s been asking me questions like if I’d sleep with another woman, to what I’ve always answered with a solid “no”. This makes her feel confused, and I understand her, because of her previous relationships. It seems she hasn’t experienced a relationship where trust and commitment are the basis, and I believe this is a cultural thing among Chinese couples, so she grew up without these concepts. She even once told me that she didn’t believe that there would be a man who would be as committed for a woman like me.

But then, our realistic part kicks in, and makes us think about a lot of fears, especially me.
I can’t simply go to see her to Dubai and ask for a 7-days leave in my work every month, she’s not going to have regular holidays anymore. What about physical and sexual desires, I know she’s not a bad person, but she’s going to be in bad situations, and I’ve heard that the job that she is going to have has a lot of bad situations, that when mixed with loneliness, frustration and distance, can end up in being unfaithful.

Right now she doesn’t like to talk about this anymore, and I haven’t had the chance to express all of this in a proper way. Perhaps she wants me to be strong and to let time decide how things will develop in the future? Or maybe she has the same fears and doesn’t know what to do with the relationship… Probably both.

Still, she hasn’t given up yet, and the time of her departure is getting closer.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re asking the right questions, but you don’t like the answers. 😕 After dating for a year, at ages 27 and 28, it’s usually the time to decide if you want to get married or not. Since you’ve decided that you’re not ready, she’s moved on. That’s the bottom line. It’s not a clean break, but it is a break. She’s moved to Dubai, and you’re worried that she may move on, and are trying to hold on to her. When you start quoting apocryphal sayings, like, “….let time decide how things will develop in the future…. 😯 you’re trying to convince yourself that you don’t have to make decisions. 😳 And ironically, that’s what’s making you anxious. 😕 Time doesn’t decide. The two of you do! 🙂 You have choices, and so does she. You make them consciously or unconsciously, actively or by default. There’s no mystery to this. Accept the fact that you’re not ready to marry her, and that she is looking for a more serious relationship. Don’t blame. Don’t pass judgment. Not everybody is ready for the same thing at the same time. 😉

You’re focusing on your feelings rather than your actions, and that’s the problem here. My advice is to accept that you don’t want to get engaged and married right now, and that because she’s 28 and has moved to Dubai, this is now a long distance relationship. It’s different than what you had, and it’s not as close. The two of you may date others or look to others for companionship because you’re living in different countries. It’s true that she may find someone else, and so, too, may you. But if you’re going to accept this long distance relationship, then you have to accept it with two feet in. The anxiety you’re feeling is a sign that you’re not. When you do, you’ll feel less anxious.

I hope that helps!

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[josephart]

It’s not that I don’t want to marry her, but I’m not as successful as I’d like to be, and that’s the main problem here. I do believe she won’t wait for me until I have all the conditions to propose her, even though she knows I have what it takes to be a successful person.

She won’t wait, and perhaps she’s looking for a more mature and successful person, that might be one of the reasons why she’s moving to Dubai.

I’ve even told her that I can also move to Dubai to find a job there, which she answered negatively, and told me that it’s better for me to stay in China and continue with my professional development here, because there’s nothing I can do in Dubai to enrich my career.

There’s nothing I can do now, I think the message is clear, she’s preparing to move on and date more men, but she won’t tell me this directly because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. So right now I pretty much resigned, and I think the best decision for me is to move on also. It sucks, because just when you thought you finally found someone worth it, you are still not ready for her.

I think I need to talk to her about this and express how I feel, but this would imply the end of the relationship sooner than expected, I don’t know If it’d be better to tell her right away, or wait until she’s about to leave, and after that, I wouldn’t like to lose all communication with her, but I don’t know If it would be the best thing to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]It’s not that I don’t want to marry her, but I’m not as successful as I’d like to be, and that’s the main problem here. I do believe she won’t wait for me until I have all the conditions to propose her, even though she knows I have what it takes to be a successful person….[/quote]

I think this is the problem in a nutshell. You want to propose to her in two years — but she wants a proposal now. You have financial reasons for wanting to wait — so, she wants to pursue her career abroad in the meantime. But, you don’t want to have a long distance relationship, although you’re kind of skirting around coming right out and saying so.

Have you considered proposing now, and setting a wedding date that is two years out? Or three, if that’s your time frame? That would give you the time you need to be ready to marry, financially, and it would give both of you the commitment that you both seem to want and can’t get, under the circumstances. The problem here is the absence of a commitment, and if you can find a creative way to get what you both want — then you can win and win!

If you don’t want to do that, consider that telling her your feelings is for you, not her. What she’s looking for is a change in behavior, not more feelings. I think you’re both on the same page as far moving apart, but if you want to do something different, to change the courses you’re both on, you have to change your behavior, not just talk about what you want, and why you’re not getting it. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

Your fear is real and rational but it’s not a fate sentence. You two are at a classic fork: she has an immediate career opportunity that will take her away and change availability; you have a timeline to feel “ready” financially. That difference in timing is exactly the kind of mismatch that either becomes a creative compromise (rare, but possible) or the thing that quietly makes two people drift apart. Your anxiety about distance and temptation is normal but don’t let it drive your only decision. Treat it as useful signal, not the final verdict.

The single most important thing you can do right now is have one decisive, adult conversation with concrete options on the table. Don’t keep circling feelings. Tell her calmly: (A) you love her, you want a future, but you aren’t financially ready to marry today; (B) you can’t do an open-ended “time will tell” plan because ambiguity will eat you alive; (C) you want to propose a realistic compromise now for example an engagement or commitment now with a wedding date 18–36 months away while each of you pursues career goals. Put a date on it. People can wait for a promise; they struggle to wait for vague hope.

If she won’t accept a formal commitment/timeline, you must decide whether you can accept a long-distance relationship without certainty and with the risk she dates others. If you choose the LDR route, agree clear rules: exclusivity, how often you’ll communicate, transparency about new romantic contacts, a visitation schedule you both commit to (e.g., one visit every X months with shared costs), and a timeline review (every 3–6 months) to reassess. Structure reduces fear. No rules = anxiety and suspicion.

Practicalities matter. Flight attendant life is hard odd rosters, jet lag, nightlife temptation but many couples survive and even thrive if trust, routine, and planned contact exist. Work out how you’ll handle sex/physical intimacy gaps (visits, planned visits around layovers), money for flights, and paperwork (can you visit on major holidays?). If she genuinely wants you in the long run, she’ll help design workable logistics. If she resists planning anything, that’s a red flag.

Don’t weaponize insecurity with jealousy stories you’ve heard. Use action instead: speed up your own progress where you can (clear business milestones, small wins) so you’re not passively hoping for two years. That increases your self-respect and reduces the feeling of “waiting for life to happen.” Also, commit to the conversation about trust share your fears, and ask her to show you she’s committed in ways you can both measure.

Accept either outcome as legitimate and kind. If she embraces a concrete plan (engagement-with-timeline or LDR with rules), commit fully and set the checkpoints. If she wants freedom and won’t promise anything, your best, fairest choice may be to let her go and keep your pride and future mobility intact. Either path hurts now, but clarity beats indefinite limbo.

[Tara]

Your girlfriend isn’t just moving, she’s entering a whole new life with a brand-new lifestyle, new people, new culture, new money, new opportunities, and more attention than you can even imagine. Meanwhile, you’re sitting in China hoping “love” is going to magically glue this relationship together while she’s flying around the world living her dream. Let’s cut the bullshit: you’re terrified because deep down you know this relationship is built on a fantasy timeline that no longer exists. You planned a future based on both of you staying put, waiting a couple of years, slowly building something stable. She, however, just launched herself into a high-mobility, high-exposure job in Dubai with a revolving-door schedule, zero predictability, and a lifestyle that absolutely does NOT make long-distance easy. You can’t compete with that environment, not because you’re inadequate, but because you’re not in her new world anymore.

And don’t fool yourself with “hope.” Hope is what people cling to when they’re too scared to admit the writing on the wall. You’re already anticipating the distance, the temptation, the lack of time, the lack of holidays, the different lives, the slow fade of connection. Guess what? If you can list this many fears before she even boards the damn plane, the relationship is already on life support. You don’t trust the situation, and you’re afraid to say it out loud.

So what should you do?
Stop pretending you can hold onto a relationship that’s about to get tested in every way possible. Either level up your life to join her world, or accept that you two are now on diverging paths and break up like adults instead of clinging to a dying fantasy. If you want to keep trying, fine, but don’t lie to yourself. The relationship might survive, but the version of it you currently have won’t. Distance changes people, and Dubai will change her.
Grow a spine, pick a direction, and stop acting like hope is a plan.

[Sally]

Loving someone who’s about to build a whole new life somewhere else… it hits a deep place. And honestly, you’re not wrong for worrying about the distance or the stories you’ve heard. When someone’s out chasing a dream, it can feel like you’re being left behind even when they don’t mean it that way.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned: you can’t hold someone close by gripping tighter. She worked hard for this, and she needs to take that shot. And you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can handle the kind of quiet that comes with long stretches apart.

Instead of trying to predict every “what if,” maybe ask yourself how you feel right now when you picture life without her. Sometimes that answer is clearer than you think.
You don’t have to decide today. Just don’t disappear from your own life while worrying about hers.

[Natalie Noah]

The weight of your fears and the love you have for your girlfriend. You’ve found someone you truly care about, and it’s understandable that the idea of her moving so far away triggers anxiety. Your concerns aren’t irrational long-distance relationships are challenging, and the unknown can feel overwhelming. What I notice most, though, is that your fear is more about what could happen rather than the reality of what is happening right now. You’re imagining scenarios of infidelity and loss, which makes it harder for you to take the next step and make a conscious decision about the relationship.

It seems that the central issue isn’t about her leaving for Dubai per se, but about timing, commitment, and financial readiness. You want to propose when you’re more established professionally, but she’s at a stage in her life where she wants security and progression now. That mismatch is causing a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling. It’s not about whether she’ll cheat or whether you’re good enough. it’s about two life timelines that are not perfectly aligned. Both of you are doing the responsible thing by considering long-term goals, but that leaves an emotional gap in the present, which can feel very painful.

One solution that April Masini hinted at, and that I strongly agree with, is creating a compromise that addresses both of your needs. For instance, proposing now but planning the wedding two years out could satisfy your need to become more financially stable while giving her the commitment she’s looking for. That type of creative thinking isn’t about forcing the relationship. it’s about aligning your timelines in a tangible way. It’s important to recognize that commitment doesn’t have to be immediate in all aspects; it can be a promise and a plan that unfolds over time.

It’s also clear that communication right now is tricky because neither of you is entirely sure how to proceed. You’re afraid to express your true feelings because you think it will end the relationship sooner, but holding back may leave both of you in uncertainty. Honest conversations are critical, even if they’re uncomfortable. You need to share your fears, your timeline, and your desires, but frame it in a way that’s about building the future together rather than predicting failure. Transparency strengthens trust and reduces anxiety because both partners know where they stand.

Ultimately, the key here is action over worry. Your anxiety comes from imagining “what ifs” rather than focusing on what you can actively do to shape your relationship. You have options: commit now in a structured way, have an honest conversation, or accept that this may be a time where your paths temporarily diverge. Whichever route you choose, the most important thing is to act intentionally rather than letting fear dictate the course. You’re clearly deeply invested, and that care is a strength use it to create clarity, not to fuel uncertainty.

[Member]

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