[Ninaluv]

A little background. I met this special lady when she was super young and the first time it didn’t work, second time she wasn’t ready well this time around we were dating for about 7 months and back in May we both had things going on Mother’s Day, her reuniting with a best friend and we used to spend just about every weekend together. Well 3 weeks went by without seeing one another. Then one day she told me she would call back and never did. I finally reached out to her and she told me she finds herself getting lost when it comes to dating/being in relationships and wants to put herself first. I know her last relationship was hurtful. I’m very heartbroken behind it all because we had endless fun together, we laughed, cooked, shopped, pretty much did everything together and it all stopped. We always encouraged one another to be better in life. She even told me I had a pure genuine heart, I guess I’m wondering why would you want to lose that? I’m wondering do I let it go, do I prove I’m not like the rest and reassure her of that or what? Thanks in advance

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve given this relationship three tries on three separate occasions and the last try was successful — if only for seven months! I can’t quite tell from your post whether the two of you talked about her reason for the break up — that she found herself getting lost in the relationship — or whether she was really clear in what she wanted to do by breaking up with you. [b]If[/b] she’s really clear on breaking up, then I think you have to let it go and move on. After three attempts, and the last one lasting for a considerable amount of time, she may really not be ready for the same commitment you are because she’s got personal issues she wants to work on, [b]or[/b]… she may be saying what she needs to say to end things without conflict. Lots of people end relationships with some version of “it’s not you, it’s me”, even if it is you, because it’s the best they can do. Not everyone has the tools to talk things through, give closure and move on, definitively. By saying she wants to find a way to not get lost in the relationship, she may be trying to extricate herself without conflict or hurting your feelings more than necessary.

However… if you’re both interested in working this through, after dating for seven months, it would seem like this is an opportunity to work on the relationship. When one person feels lost, you can check yourself and find times where you impose your will without realizing it. Instead of suggesting things to do, times to meet and ways to do things, ask what she’d like and how she’d like to do things. This will elicit her opinion and her voice and it will give her the opportunity to not feel lost in the relationship and to be heard. Another technique you can try is to ask her advice on things going on in your life. She may feel that you’ve got it all together and she doesn’t — and by showing her your vulnerabilities and interest in her advice and opinion, she may not feel so lost. The thing is, you both have to want to do this, so invite her to lunch and see how that goes and gently try some of these techniques. If things go well, ask her out again, and see if you can make this work. But if she’s set, then you’ll have no choice but to move on.

I hope that helps.

[Ninaluv]

The thing is we were just dating we did not have a title but it seemed as if we were in a relationship. Her exact words to me were “I have gotten lost amongst dating situations and relationships and I’m tired.” We were spending every weekend together the entire weekend and before Mothers Day we both had family functions to go to which caused us not to see one another for 3 straight weeks and she did tell my best friend that bothered her, she did not tell me that and just quit talking to me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, it may not have been defined in writing, but it sure sounds like it was a relationship. Especially since you spent so many consecutive weekends together. However… that may have been part of what made her feel that she lost her voice. Sometimes backing off from the full on weekends and having dates that are a little fewer and further between, keep the spark in the relationship and let it develop more slowly but surely. I know you say that she’s stopped talking to you. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to her. 😉 You can give it a try by sending some flowers or homemade cookies and a cute note to see if she responds. If she doesn’t, then you can move on, but if you haven’t left all stones unturned, you may want to do so for your own peace of mind, before moving on, yourself.

[MarbleHorse]

Maybe you should just give her space and let her decide what she really wants (a serious relationship or not). Meantime, just take care of yourself, treat yourself good and try to find nice companies to spend quality time. In my point of view, you did nothing wrong and you deserve what’s best!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good idea!

[Sally]

When someone tells you you’ve got a good heart, then walks away, it messes with your head.
Here’s the hard truth, said gently. When someone says they need to put themselves first, that’s not an invitation for you to prove anything. It’s them saying they don’t have the space, even if the connection was real. And it probably was real. Fun, laughter, all of it. None of that was fake.

But you don’t win love by convincing someone you’re different. The right person doesn’t need proof. They feel safe and they stay.
Letting go doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It just means she’s not able to show up right now.

If you chase, you’ll lose yourself. If you step back, you keep your dignity. And honestly, that’s the part of you that’s worth protecting.

[Tara]

She didn’t “lose” you she chose to walk away, and you need to stop flattering yourself into thinking your goodness obligates her to stay. Her actions were clear long before her words: three weeks without seeing you, a promise to call that she broke, and then a clean emotional exit wrapped in polite language. People who want you don’t disappear. They don’t drift. They don’t need space to “find themselves.” They make time. She didn’t.

You’re clinging to memories and compliments because they feel safer than accepting rejection. Endless fun, laughter, encouragement none of that matters if she doesn’t want a relationship. Her past hurt isn’t a puzzle for you to solve or a challenge for you to “prove” yourself against. Trying to reassure her or convince her you’re different won’t make you noble it will make you desperate and push her further away.

She’s emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, and has now exited twice. That’s a pattern. You didn’t fail. But you also aren’t special enough to override someone’s lack of readiness. No amount of patience, reassurance, or purity of heart turns a “no” into a “yes.”

[Member]

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