[Misshj]

Hi there,
I would welcome some advice regarding a relationship dilemma I have.
I have been in a relationship on and off with a guy for 3.5 years. The longest break we have had was our last break up which has lasted 5 months. There was no contact during that period of time. We bumped into each other a couple of months ago on a night out and ended up hooking up that evening and seeing each other a couple of times in the last two months.
Our break ups were always down to him. One minute everything was amazing, we never argued, had lots of quality time together, and the next minute he was gone saying “my feelings have changed”, “I dont know what I want”. Within a month or two he would be back again wanting to “try again”.
After this happening a number of times, my patience wore thin, and each time it happened the break up “aftermath” got worse and worse. My reaction to it got angrier and angrier, and this resulted in huge rows during each break up period. The ironic thing is that we only argued when we WERE NOT together.
The position I am in now is this. He tells me he loves me, enjoys spending time with me but is frightened and reluctant to commit for fear of “getting cold feet again” and having the fallout from me that that would cause. He says he doesn’t know what he wants but knows he doesn’t want to lose me from his life entirely either.
He has suggested that we start a “casual relationship” with no expectations, or goals as he doesn’t know what he wants because of his track record for jumping ship so he cant give me any commitment or reassurances of where it could lead. He insists that we would however be exclusive.
I really don’t know what to do. Having a history with him and having feelings for him makes a “casual” agreement difficult.
I dont understand his reluctance to commit to a relationship on the grounds of him fearing he will jump ship again because at the end of the day he can do that anyway in a casual relationship. I question if his desire to have a “casual relationship” is his way of absolving himself from any guilt of hurting me if he did jump ship again. After all if I agree to a casual set he is then able to say ” well it was just casual, free of commitment with the freedom of changing my mind any any point”?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both, and what is it that YOU want from a relationship?

If you answer, I’ll give you my advice. 😀

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[Misshj]

Hi april,
Thank you so much for taking the time to repky to me.
He is 30 and I am 43.
🙂

[Misshj]

Ps
Sorry forgot to say what it was I wanted from a relationship.
I want to be in a secure relationship with stability and commitment. I dont understand what purpose a casual relationship serves, especially if there is no end goal. He says he cant give me any assurances that things will progress from a casual relationship with him as he doesn’t know what he wants.
I dont understand that if he doesnt know what he wants Why he would even want to have a casual relationship. Surly a casual relationship and a normal relationship include doing the same things only a casual relationship doesnt have the commitment of saying Im his girlfriend. He can walk away from either at any point so whats the difference ? x

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information — it helps!

[quote]I dont understand his reluctance to commit to a relationship on the grounds of him fearing he will jump ship again because at the end of the day he can do that anyway in a casual relationship. [/quote]

You’re not listening to him. 😮 He’s telling you he doesn’t want a serious relationship. Why argue? He’s being upfront with you because he knows you want something different than what he wants. He’s trying to set you straight, but you’re complicating things. I hear this a lot from women who don’t like what they’re hearing so they try to find faults in the guy’s logic. Take a breath and don’t argue with him. If you’re disappointed, be disappointed, but don’t try to tell him he’s wrong when he’s being upfront with you. Some guys will tell you one thing and do another — he’s not that guy. He’s trying to be honest with you, but you’re not letting him be. 😳

[quote]I question if his desire to have a “casual relationship” is his way of absolving himself from any guilt of hurting me if he did jump ship again. After all if I agree to a casual set he is then able to say ” well it was just casual, free of commitment with the freedom of changing my mind any any point”?[/quote]

You’re right. He’s trying to be up front with you, and he doesn’t want to hurt you — but he’s clearly not going to give you what you want, and he knows it. Your job is to accept it, and then make your own decisions about your own life instead of trying to change him or bend his truth. 😉

[quote] I dont understand what purpose a casual relationship serves, especially if there is no end goal. [/quote]

Let me help you try to understand: A casual relationship allows a guy to have sex and companionship when he wants it, without commitment. I hope that’s clear. 🙂

[quote]He says he cant give me any assurances that things will progress from a casual relationship with him as he doesn’t know what he wants. I dont understand that if he doesnt know what he wants Why he would even want to have a casual relationship. [/quote]

Because he wants sex and companionship without any promises, and he wants you to be clear about what he wants. You’re giving him a hard time, unnecessarily. 😳

[quote]Surly a casual relationship and a normal relationship include doing the same things only a casual relationship doesnt have the commitment of saying Im his girlfriend. He can walk away from either at any point so whats the difference ?[/quote]

The difference is intention. If you meet a man who is interested in finding someone with whom he wants a serious relationship and possibly marriage and kids, for example, he’s going to try to find that. A guy who’s only looking for a casual relationship is not intending to have a future with a woman.

What’s going on here is that you have been crystal clear with me that you want a relationship that is “secure, stable and committed”. But then you start talking about how you don’t understand this and that. You’re not being honest with yourself. You’re too smart to not understand what you say you don’t understand. 😉 You’re trying to manipulate the truth so you’re right and he’s wrong — which isn’t the case.

You will not find, in him, what you want, so why waste any more time on someone who isn’t Mr. Right? My advice is let go and move on.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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