[imustbeparanoid]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for about 8. I’m 39 and she’s 42. I have a daughter from my first marriage who lives with us. Both of us had been married before, and our marriage has been a good one on the whole.

About 3 years ago, she ‘found’ this particular male friend she knew in college but had lost touch. They never dated – in fact, she turned him down back in the day – but he was supportive of her through some of her darkest times notwithstanding her rejection. Truly acting like a friend by anyone’s measure. (Somewhere along the line they still lost touch.)

They communicated via email in friendly tones and I did not feel the least bit threatened by their friendship. He’s a very likable guy, though single. My wife has commented he and I were “made from the same thread but woven differently”…I have to admit, I agree. We are a lot alike.

We live in California and he’s in the Midwest. The first time he visited last year, all of us stayed up talking late into the night. Most nights he and I would outlast her – she typically isn’t a night owl, so he and I usually ended up shutting all the lights off around 3am. It was fun.

We had pretty deep conversations. Some funny, some serious. One of them stands out in particular wherein he admitted “I have carried a torch for your wife for years.”

At the time I was a bit taken aback, but let him speak his peace – I felt secure in the love my wife had for me and it was clear they had shared a close relationship. He left the next day or so, and my wife and I took a trip out of town.

Because of what I had experienced, I felt compelled to ask her why she didn’t marry him instead of me. She told me he was special to her, but she ‘chose’ me after having many years where she could have married him instead. Somewhere along the way, she realized (and told me so) she loves him and considers him a true friend.

(I need to pause here and say it was one of those “If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck” sort of things…she still loves/loved me, she just started putting a name to the feeling for this other guy. Who doesn’t have love for their oldest friends?)

He visited again in October/November last year. Unlike last time he visited, I felt more like an outsider when I came home. Sure, we still had great conversations, but something had perceptibly changed. I mentioned this to my wife and she altered her behavior immediately.

One day while I was working and they went walking in a state park, to my horror, she shared her feelings with him. Remember, he’s carried that torch for a couple decades now, right?

No, she tells me they didn’t have sex. She kissed him on the forehead, and they both agreed anything more than a friendship would absolutely be out of the question.

Of course I freaked out.

I broke into her email account. I have never done this sort of thing previously, in *any* relationship, and this in itself was huge and ugly and very much not like the person I expect myself to be.

I read emails I wasn’t supposed to read. They weren’t sexual, but they were still very intimate. There was some fantasy ‘picture yourself snuggling in one extra large sweater with me’ sort of stuff. He also talked about “this relationship we’re building”. They also started signing emails with ‘Love,’ and hinting about ‘alternative marriages’ and polyamory.

Of course, I sent him a rather nasty email and he sent one to her, backing off. To my surprise, she came to his defense and said she could be friends with him – it was just a matter of figuring out the boundaries with me. She didn’t want to lose a friend of 20 years or trash her marriage.

Reading her email was a huge breach of trust and had all kinds of psychological repercussions for both of us, I think. It certainly has for me, at least. We started counseling at my insistence. I no longer read her email, but I do occasionally ask her to share their conversations.

She let me read an email from her the other night. They *did* alter their communications…it went something like this:
“So I went down to the store today and bought some parts for my car. The weather is cold, but I’m doing well. Just to let you know, whenever I get a spare moment…I think of you. Love, X”

Emails are exchanged rather frequently between the two of them, though I am not sure how many times per week. They have also begun talking on the phone, which feels like it’s her way to keep their conversations entirely un-trackable.

We have a book which the counselor recommended that has helped our communication a lot…but I am beside myself.

She says she has built her life around me and that should be proof enough she isn’t leaving. We have never argued like this over anything, yet she persists.

It is effectively tearing our marriage apart…or my paranoia is…am I crazy?

She recently asked if he could visit for her birthday (since his is the day before hers) and cried when she realized I wasn’t going to go along with the idea.

My confidence in our relationship has waned. I love her so much…

I no longer feel special.

Can I say I just feel like a damn moron posting this on an Internet forum..? I think she doesn’t realize (or worse, she does realize but doesn’t care) the right thing to do for the stability of our marriage would be to let this friendship go.

Thanks for reading, I think.

-T

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your wife is having a love affair outside your marriage. Sex is not always the determining factor in betrayal, and in your case, your wife is betraying your love for her as a husband and hers for you as a wife. She will not make a choice between the two of you, so you are the one who has to alter his behavior. I know this doesn’t seem fair or right, but face reality: She’s not going to give him up.

You need to decide if you’re going to stay in this relationship as it is or leave her. I rarely advise leaving a marriage where there is no physical display of betrayal (like cheating sexually) or abuse, but in your case, this love affair between your wife and her friend is going to crush your spirit, depress you and create a lot of anger for you with time. You can cut him off from your family — by not agreeing to get together with him any more, cutting him off as a family friend and asking your wife not to include him in your life in any way any more. This will make your disapproving behavior more clear, but it will define hers. The problem is I think it will define her relationship with him as impervious to your disapproval. She is going to put her feelings about this guy ahead of your feelings about your marriage and about your feelings about yourself.

That leaves you with the sole option of staying in a bad marriage or leaving. Sadly, I think the latter is your best option. You deserve more than second best. Because you don’t have children between the two of you, that will make a divorce easier. You’re still young and will be a great catch for some woman who wants you and only you.

I’m sorry for your pain and to have to confirm what you already know — you’re not a moron for writing here — you’re just hurt and looking for the truth that you don’t want to face. Again, I’m sorry.

[Member]

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