[fairybuggy]

Dear…everyone wonderful,
I’m a college student at a very high ranking university and have had a crush here for…some time. He’s absolutely wonderful and hangs out with a group of people tangential to my own friends. However, he is very involved with fraternity life and I think he sleeps with a lot of girls and parties very hard regularly (which I’m okay with, frankly). We never really talked much until Christmas break when we talked online a lot and he was noticably surprised by my quirky sense of humor (I’m interning with SNL so I guess there’s some merit ;)) and we decided that we should chill more…which tacitly meant party at a fraternity and then hook up. It felt like a dream-come-true at the time, but when it became real, I couldn’t believe it, and we had a great night just last weekend. But, now that its over, I feel like I want to get to know him better, but I’m nervous to make a fool of myself trying. He’s really into mainstream girls, and I’m not not mainstream…but I’m not like a lot of girls on campus he hangs out with. But the fact that he had me over meant that he at least saw something in me. But I want to become special to him. I really do. And now I feel like I had my one go and its over…but once I set my mind to a task, I rarely give in…so here I am.

Any suggestions?

Thanks!
Fairybuggy

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, you got his attention and won his affections by being yourself — different than the mainstream girls you think he’s into. So don’t change that just to get his attention. It will backfire. Second, your worry about making a fool of yourself doesn’t feel grounded in anything — unless you’re considering chasing after him, which I don’t advise. Honestly, from what you describe, that would you land you smack dab in the group of mainstream girls that you’re competing with for his attention, and while I understand that you want to date him, don’t throw yourself at him. Third, keep yourself on a reality check. It’s great that you had a good weekend with your longtime crush, and by all means, go for it, but don’t expect him to become someone he isn’t. If he’s a hard partying frat guy who sleeps with a lot of women, and you’re hoping he’ll suddenly turn into someone else, you may be in for disappointment, so keep a reality check while you do flirt with him, and let him know, coyly, that you like him and you enjoyed the time you spent together, and you’re up for the adventure together. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[fairybuggy]

Thank you so much! I really understand what you mean on a lot of levels. I didn’t really specify before, but I really enjoy the same lifestyle that he does. My life, though consisting of an amalgam of components, certainly does enjoy most- if not all- of what he is into. Its the personality that he has that makes me like him so much. I feel like things are strange at my school, as well, as at the very “worst” partying and school-work sit at the same level of importance, and it is so for him. I tend to put a bit more emphasis on committees, extra lectures and homework than going out, but I don’t see that to be a ‘problem’.

Also, I feel like my perspective on things is different than many girls around me may have. I understand that some guys want to be able to fly free in college and not become stuck in one place…and that makes sense…100%! And I think that he might, like many people, be afraid that all girls, if they get too close, will try to keep them on a leash in their own romantic ‘dream come true’. I wish I could show him that I understand that. I feel like it would be great to become special to him and then be the obvious answer when it comes to settling down. Is that wrong?

By the way, I’ve never posted to a forum such as this one before and am so very excited to have found you, April. Your advice is so encouraging and you feel like a good friend. Thank You!!!!!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome and thanks for the kind words. I don’t think you’re wrong in wanting to become special to this guy — but just keep in mind that while it sounds old school, the fact is that sex is different for men than it is for women, and while women think that they can “fly free” like men do when it comes to lots of unattached sex, it doesn’t work for them, in most cases. Sex changes things and it makes women feel more attached. I get a lot of posts from women who try to leverage sex into emotions, and as long as you’re clear on your actions, you’ll have a better chance of not getting bogged down. Keep your eye on your internal compass, while navigating college. 🙂

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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