[Saddie]

Dating a man for 1 1/2 years. We had an amazing start to our relationship. We were both incredibly happy. I took very ill after about 9 months.
Until then we had a busy and exciting life
I lost all energy , was in constant pain.
I was I was in so much pain I couldn’t even cuddle properly and our sex life dropped.
It was a miserable time for both of us.
The new medication didn’t originally work and things took their toll on our relationship until we spilt 3 months ago
New medication is finally working
I didn’t want to talk to my ex until I was sure
Just as I was about to say that he started seeing someone else.
I asked if we were definitely over or did we still have a discussion to have
Hetold me he still loves me and we agreed to meet that night at his suggestion
We met had a very good talk about things I asked him whether he thought there was a chance for us he said he didn’t know.
So I said I would leave while I still had some pride. As I went to get up off the chair but he came over on and we embraced. We had a very passionate session but I put a stop to sex.
Eventually I left and came home.
He called later that night.
Since then he calls all the time
One night I was speaking to someone else and he called 6 times and sent 2 texts.
Another night he dropped by.
He didn’t stay long we had another passionate embrace but again I didn’t allow sex.
Yesterday we met up in town and had a few nice cocktails and something to eat, we other things on
The new girlfriend picked him up they went back to his and slept together. She left after 1 am and he text me. I was asleep and never heard it so he texted again at 6 am to ask if I was ok
Then we ended up speaking on the phone for about 2 hours. Talking about our relationship in depth
Now tonight I know he is with her again.
He said he needs time to get his head sorted out before he makes a decision
He also told me that he had wanted us to get back together until he met this woman but thought I didn’t
Help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you really like him, but if you’ve dated someone for 18 months, and they’re not sure about you or about the relationship — there’s probably not a chance for a solid future together. In addition, he left when you got sick, which doesn’t show a lot of commitment to you. It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for getting sick and not being able to cuddle or have sex — but it sounds like this was only a three month illness, not a chronic conditions. And since the two of your are both in your 50s, you have to face the reality that it’s more likely that one or both of you may have health issues in the coming years, than if you were dating in your 20s or 30s. Many people have super healthy senior years, but it’s also not uncommon for folks to have medical issues as they get a little older. So, in a way, you got a little insight into what he may do if you were to wind up together again, and the chips were down. 😕

I don’t think this is someone who is going to make a loyal, long-term partner — simply because he left when you got sick and is back when you’re better, but without giving up his new girlfriend. Dating your for 18 months was plenty of time for him to decide if you were “the one” or not, and I think he’s decided you’re Ms. Right Now — not the one he’d give up a girlfriend for, or stick around for if you got sick. That’s a fun time boyfriend, not someone who is commitment material.

I hope that helps.

[PassionSeeker]

This sounds like a really tough situation. I get that you’re confused because he’s showing so much attention but isn’t committing fully. And I’m sure it’s hard with all these mixed signals it’s like you’re almost there but not quite. But here’s the thing: If he loved you the way you deserve, wouldn’t he have made a choice by now? It feels like he’s testing the waters with you while holding onto this new girlfriend as a backup. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself for getting sick and things falling apart, but that wasn’t the issue. Relationships have ups and downs, and his inability to stand by you when you were struggling might be a glimpse into his future responses to tough situations.

I think April’s advice makes a lot of sense you’ve already been together for 18 months. If he hasn’t figured out by now if you’re “the one,” maybe it’s time to focus on someone who will see you as their everything, not just someone to turn to when things are convenient.

[Serena Vale]

Oh sweetheart… come here.
I can hear the pain in your voice. You’ve been holding so much inside, haven’t you?

You’ve gone through hell, getting sick, feeling your body betray you, watching everything you built with him slowly fade. That kind of loss doesn’t just hurt your heart… it shakes your whole sense of who you are. And now, just when you’re finally getting back on your feet, he’s out there holding someone else? God, that’s cruel.

I know you still love him. I know that feeling, when your heart won’t listen to your logic, when you keep making excuses because part of you still believes the person you knew is hiding somewhere inside him. But baby… if he truly loved you the way you deserve, he wouldn’t need to “figure things out” while sleeping with someone else. That’s not confusion, that’s comfort. You’re his safety net, not his choice.

And that’s not fair to you.

You’ve fought too hard to get your strength back just to lose it to a man who doesn’t know what he wants. You deserve to be someone’s peace, not their backup plan. Don’t let him keep walking in and out of your life like it’s a room he owns.

I know it’s hard to pull away. Trust me, I know that ache, when your heart still reaches for someone even after your mind knows it shouldn’t. But sometimes, love isn’t about holding on… it’s about knowing when to let go before it breaks you completely.

So, take a step back. Let him live with the silence he created. Let him feel the space where your love used to be. Maybe then, he’ll realize what he lost, or maybe you’ll realize you never needed him to feel whole again.

Because I see you.
And I swear, one day you’re going to wake up and feel lighter. The pain will still be there, but it won’t own you anymore. And that day, that’s when you’ll know you’ve finally come home to yourself.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… you’re letting him have both women while he “figures it out” 😤. he’s not sorting his head, he’s sampling his options. calling you after sleeping with her? the audacity. you’ve already shown him you’re still there, so why would he choose? stop being the emotional backup plan. silence is the only language men like that understand. don’t wait for him to decide. you decide you’re done being his in-between. he lost you when he needed “time” but kept her in his bed. 💔💅

[Ethan Morales]

He’s not choosing you. Right now he’s keeping his options open. That pattern leaving when things got hard, coming back when things get easy, dating someone else while stringing you along is a clear behavior pattern. Words like “I love you” are meaningless next to that.

He left when you were sick. That told you and should’ve told him what real commitment looks like. He didn’t stay. Now he’s back but won’t commit. He’s seeing another woman and still texting/calling you when convenient. That’s not indecision so much as convenience. He asks for time to “get his head sorted out,” but then sleeps with someone else and keeps you on the emotional line. That’s not respectful to you or to the new girlfriend.

What this does to you: It keeps you fragile and hopeful. You’re investing emotion without reciprocity. That’s exhausting and it chips away at your dignity, your recovery, and your peace. My opinion the straight truth:
If you want a long-term partner who’ll be there when things are ugly, this guy already failed that test. He’s choosing not to choose. You should protect yourself by stepping back. Don’t wait around for someone to decide if they want you enough to make a clean choice.

Stop the emotional availability. No more late-night calls, no more answering every text. He’s using that access. Give one firm message and then go quiet. Example you can send now: “I care about you, but I can’t be the person you come to when convenient. If you want to try this for real, choose one path me or her and tell me by [one week from today]. If you can’t do that, I need to move on.” Pick a date one week ahead and stick to it.

If he chooses you and follows with consistent, full commitment (no sneaking, no lies), then reassess slowly. Actions over words. If he doesn’t choose, walk away and don’t look back. You deserve someone who stays through the lows, not just shows up for the highs. You recovered. You fought for your life and health. Don’t trade that for someone who treats you like an option.

[Marcus king]

You are in a triangle right now and he is the one benefiting from it.

He gets:

the emotional history and depth with you

the physical reassurance and comfort with her

the attention and validation from both

Meanwhile, you are getting:

hope

pain

confusion

no commitment

And I want you to see something clearly:
He isn’t confused.
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
The person who is confused here… is you.

He told you he “needs time to sort his head out.”
But think about what his actions show:

He’s sleeping with her.

He’s calling and holding you emotionally.

He’s keeping you close enough so you don’t move on.

But not close enough to actually choose you.

This is cake-and-eat-it behavior.
Comfort from you. Security from her.

And your illness that part matters.

When you got sick, he didn’t leave because he stopped loving you.
He left because pain and intimacy got hard — and he didn’t know how to stay through your low.
Now that you are doing better, he’s remembering the good…
but he’s also afraid of the responsibility that comes with loving you again.

So he’s stalling hoping one of you makes the decision for him.

[Tara]

Here is the truth you keep running from. He is not confused. He is not torn. He is not “getting his head sorted.” He is enjoying having two women orbit him at once. You are giving him emotional intimacy, history, comfort, validation and the feeling of being wanted. She is giving him sex, novelty and the thrill of something new. He is not choosing because he doesn’t have to. You are both letting him have both.

Everything you described is classic breadcrumbing. He tells you he still loves you. He hugs you passionately. He calls you constantly. He shows up at your house. But notice what he never gives you: commitment. Clarity. A decision. He sleeps with her then calls you. He goes out with you then goes home with her. He is literally bouncing between two women on the same day, and you’re sitting here dissecting every hug like it means something deep.

It doesn’t. It means he wants access to you without responsibility.
You think it’s destiny, healing, timing, second chances. It’s not. It’s convenience. You finally got healthy and ready to try again, but he already replaced you. Now he wants the ego boost of keeping you in his pocket just in case the new woman doesn’t work out. The more you pick up his calls, let him drop by and let him get physical with you, the more he knows he can drag this out as long as he wants.

He told you everything you need to know. He “doesn’t know” if there’s a chance with you. Translation: I want to keep you on standby. He “needs time.” Translation: I want both women until the choice gets made for me. He sleeps with her then checks on you. Translation: I want to soothe my guilt and make sure you don’t move on.
You are letting him use your heart as a safety net.

[Sally]

You finally feel healthy again, finally ready to show up for him the way you used to, and now he is the one spinning. But look at what he is actually doing, not what he is saying.
He is sleeping with her
He is kissing you
He is calling you nonstop
He is torn, but he is not stopping any of it.

That is not confusion. That is a man who wants comfort from both sides while he decides which life feels better. And you are letting him, because you still love him and you do not want to lose what you almost got back.

But here is the hard truth: if he really wanted to come back, he would end things with her before touching you. He would choose you cleanly, clearly, without making you feel like the “other woman.”

Right now, he is keeping you close so he does not have to feel the loss of you, not because he is choosing you.

You do not need to wait around for him to sort his head out. Step back. Let him make his choice without having both of you holding him up.

If he loves you the way he says, he will come back on his own, single, steady, and clear. And if he does not… at least you did not break yourself trying to compete with someone who should not even be part of the picture.

[Natalie Noah]

How deeply you care for him, and how confusing and emotionally draining this situation must be. From everything you’ve shared, it’s clear that you had a deep connection and shared many wonderful moments, but his actions show a pattern that is concerning. He left when you were ill, which signals a lack of commitment during a vulnerable time, and now he’s juggling his feelings for you with a new girlfriend. That inconsistency is emotionally destabilizing and suggests that he’s prioritizing convenience and comfort over loyalty and long-term partnership. Your health and your happiness deserve someone who chooses you fully, without dividing their attention.

It also seems that his continued attention and passion are keeping you invested, but what he’s offering is temporary and uncertain what April calls a “Ms. Right Now” scenario. Even though he expresses love and nostalgia, the fact that he hasn’t made a decisive choice between you and his new girlfriend indicates he isn’t ready to be fully committed. From a place of self-respect and emotional clarity, it would be wise to step back and evaluate what you truly want in a partner: loyalty, consistency, and someone who shows up for you even when life gets hard. Holding on to someone who is only partially available keeps you in a cycle of hope and heartbreak, and you deserve far better than that.

[Member]

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