[Anonymous]

hello,
History:
where should i start..just to tell you a bit of history between my girlfriend and i. I am 24, my girlfriend is 19. i have known and been with her for 5 years. We have went through many struggles and come out of them pretty well. In the past i have cheated a year or more in the relationship, i knew i messed up really badly i did not tell her until 3 years into the relationship. I manned up and confessed to her what had happen. It wasnt that i was trying to hide it, i was afraid of losing her, but i know at the same time that is selfish. But the more and more longer i held it in, the more sick i felt. After confessing to her, she walked off on me when i had a talk with her one on one. And tossed our promise ring. i did not speak to her for a week, then she wanted to talk to me again, and eventually things got better slowly. I was grateful. 2 months after, she wanted me to ask her to my girlfriend again. i felt very happy. And now i hit a downfall and i dont know what to do.

Intro:
It all started the last week of her finals, she is a stupid in riverside. I noticed there was a guy who kept flirting with her on facebook, it might sound stupid, but it was really bothering me. so i gave her a call and i told her, if he continues, i am going to ask him maturely to stop. She said they were just friends. After i told her that she got pretty upset as usually. this was probably 3-4 months ago. During that time she had spoken to me about wanting another ring. In my head im thinking great because if she wants another promise ring she wants more in the relationship. i had picked her up from riverside on a friday, i had the ring ready and i gave it to her. She had told me i dont think i deserve it because i dont feel committed. which crushed me. i had no idea wrong. We were talking and she felt that she didnt want to be with me anymore, but instead i suggested a break. i did not talk to her for a whole week when she went back to school. She came back and i felt that things were getting better. We still hugged, kissed, and did all the couple stupid we usually do together. Only she still felt the same. so i suggested a longer break when i saw her on friday. i did not speak to her saturday and sunday. But on monday she wanted to see me, as well as the whole week at that. I felt happy because i felt things were getting better. from monday-wednesday, when i called her pet names like baby or babe, she would tell me to stop, but aside from that things were the same, we still hugged, kissed, and everything. then after awhile she started calling me baby or beb, so i felt things were getting better. On the friday of that week, we were lying in bed and she looked at me and said ” are we still on a break 🙂 .” i got the impression she didnt want to be on a break anymore even tho we were seeing eachother that whole week because she wanted to see me. It was in a way, a sign that things were getting better. so i said i dont know you tell me, but she didnt answer she just smiled. then the next week came and slowly things started to slow down. Oh and another thing i forgot the mention was that even tho it seemed as if things were getting better, the only thing that really bothered me at the time was that i cant reach her when i call her. I can text her, but when i call she sometimes ignores it. moving on, this past friday july 9th 2010 was our anniversary, even if we werent really back together yet. i had picked her up and i had planned a day of fun, i wanted to spice up the relationship by taking her to somewhere we havent been awhile and do the things she wants to do. I had taken her to universal city walk to watch a movie and have dinner. When night came, we went home and hung out in bed. here is where the problem came in

Problem:
During this time i was very fragile, im a sensitive person and all i wanted was for things to get better. as we were hanging in bed she had joked about having a date. Which i forgot to also mention she went on one before during our struggles at the time, which really hurt me. But she had confessed about it and the reason she told me was because she felt bad and this was before the week that things got better. So as she joked about having another date, it crushed me. the happiness that i felt when i spent time with her killed me in a second. she said just kidding, then later said what if im not kidding? at the time we didnt have time to talk about it , i had to take her home. so i took her home and i called her at night. i had said i hope youre joking. she said im not. i said how could you do this to me, you wanted to see me for the past 2 weeks and things seem to be getting better. she said i guess im use to seeing you. she had tried to break up with me. What really hurts me the most is that ive been with her for 5 years and she can throw everything she knows away for someone she barely even knows. We have a great relationship, very healthy and comfortable until now. Before we had had this talk about how does she know im the one if she hasnt been with anyone else. I am her first real boyfriend and she has never been with anyone else. As stupid as it sounds, i understood where she was coming from. Only now i dont know what to do. Honestly, she is very important in my life. Everything ive known for the past 5 years, and i am everything she has known in the past 5 years. On the phone she had said, i think we should stop seeing eachother. i did not really respond at the end of the phone call, i just said ill ttyl. Many would say why stick around if she chose someone else? And my answer is i love her very much. Regardless if i make a decision, the heart wants what the heart wants regardless of some mistakes. My sister had told me, ” just remember shes young and they dont realize what they are doing until they make a mistake.” I just wish it didnt have to come to this. I felt that if she can forgive me for cheating, then maybe i can forgive her for this. And even though things have turned out this way, i still have confidence that she will be back. I really feel she doesnt know what shes doing, which was also what she said herself, but she felt she wanted to take the risk. This was friday, today is monday and i havent spoken to her since. But i did text her on saturday saying: ive been sitting here all morning thinking and not being able to sleep, i hope you realize what you are doing.[i]‘ Do you know how wrong it is to be planning dates or going on dates when we still have something going on, or even push me away so you feel its okay to do so. its not right. All this is not right at all. I hope you realize that.”[/i] I found out it was the same guy who was flirting with her on facebook. i had asked about him a couple times and she said it is not him, she lied. Only thing now is im not sure how to handle things when she comes back. I am confident she will, because he cannot give her what i can or be what we have had and shared for the past 5 years.if she calls me or texts me to ask to see me, i feel i have 2 options, either say that if you want to see me i dont want you to see the other guy anymore, or see her and talk in person. Everything is just a mess and im really not sure how to handle things, i honestly do not what to let go as stupid as it sounds. I feel that people make mistakes, but getting through struggles together can really make your relationship stronger. So now i am just waiting for her to come to me because i feel that she will miss me. Only thing is i dont want her to see the other guy anymore. I feel as if shes not lookin for anything serious, maybe she just wants to feel that new spark? Which also i think is clouding her judgement of wanting to break with me. Break up with me and throw away everything shes known, me, the relationship she has with my mom, her second home which is my house, all our routines shes use to, etc. So now i am patiently waiting for her to come to me. Because if i feel she is coming to me, she is in the stage where she notice what is missing in her life, Me. Im just not sure how to handle this, please help.

sorry for this being so long, i have had alot on my mind. I appreciate putting the time out to read this. Thank you.

[jcao226]

opps, this is my post, i forgot to log in before i press submit. sorry.

[Ask April Masini]

The problem is that you’ve been with her since she was 14 years old, and now she’s 19 and in college, and she’s probably only ever dated you — and while for some people that would be enough, she wants more life experience for herself. I know you think this is a rejection of you, but it’s really not. It’s a rejection of her own life knowing only one man — she wants to branch out. College offers men and women opportunities other than education. It offers a vast social life. She’s probably seeing men and women all around her on campus and in the dorms hooking up, dating, getting into and out of relationships — and she wants to see what that’s like.

She doesn’t feel like she’s throwing away a relationship with you — she feels like if she doesn’t date other men she’s throwing away her opportunity to test the waters. And while you may think she’s making a mistake — if it is a mistake — it’s her life to make choices.

My advice to you is to keep the door open to her. If she sees you’re sad, but accepting of her decision and in reaction are moving on (and I mean really moving on) yourself, she will again reassess what she’s doing. You can’t control who and when she dates — nor should you. If she’s really yours, she’ll want to be all yours and will act like it. If she flirts with other men and dates them, it’s not because of the men — it’s because of her. If she comes back to you, then at that time, you can decide if you still want her or not.

In the meantime, you will be more attractive to her and to other women if you take care of yourself rather than sitting home pining or idly watching her move on. It’s time for you to decide what YOU want and can have for YOU in YOUR LIFE. 🙂 While you can’t have her the way you want her now, there are other women you can have, and I suggest you start dating.

It’s hard to get over break ups — especially after a 5 year relationship — but you can and you will.

I hope this helps — and that you’ll let me know how things go. Join me on Facebook — I’d love to have you as a free member. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url]. 😀

[jcao226]

Thank you very much for you response. It does make alot of sense. Although i shouldnt be mopping around about it, it does hurt me. But i did not talk to her for 4 days, she had came back to me and texted me, only i did not respond right away. im starting to change things up, and hopefully my goal is to get her back and hopefully she realizes that dating might not even be for her. i understand you said i cant control when or if she wants to date, but im just hoping that after her first experienced, it will be her last. At the same time i have not closed the door to her, i care about her deeply, and will stick around. Only now i am trying to take control of the relationship. Majority of the time i take her home when she tells me to, but changing things up, i told her i had to go somewhere, and i made her work for my affection and attention which left her wanting more the next day. While we were in bed, she gave me a sincere hug that i havent felt in awhile. I feel confident that we will make it through this. Even though she tried to break up with me, she came back to me. Changing things up seems to be working, and i hope it does. Most times i usually take her home at 5:30, today i told her i was busy until 5 or 5:30, now im seeing if she does really want to see me, she will go out of her way to go out past that time to see me. It will show me that she went out of her way because she wanted to and not because she had to. I think the hardest part for me was changing things up and trying to take control, instead waiting on her time. As much as i wanted to see her longer, and i could tell she wanted to see me longer, i cut it short, so she could want more the next day or maybe even the whole week. Because i do want her wanting more from me. But once again, thank you very much for your insight. I really appreciate it.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I was able to help and that you’re finding that changing your behavior is changing the dynamic of the relationship for the positive. I would again caution you against thinking you can take control of the relationship, as you posted. 😕 This thought is recipe for disaster. You can’t control the relationship because you can’t control the other person in it. You CAN control yourself, and I hope you’ll see that by doing that now, you’re getting positive results. 🙂 Stay on that path, but also be aware of her and her desires, too.

I’ve always told my readers that nice guys finish last and that women actually are more interested in men who don’t have all the time in the world for them. I think you’re finding that out for yourself. You’d do really well to read my book called Date Out of Your League for men who want to get the girl, and since that happens to be you 😉 I hope you’ll download and read this book I’ve written. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. You’ll get a lot of tips and advice in this book about how to make yourself more attractive to women, and your ex-girlfriend (hopefully your future girlfriend, too) will succumb to this improved version of yourself when you follow these tips. It will also give you insight into what women want and how to give it to them. All in all I think you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor to shell out a simple $14.95 for this book that may save your five year relationship.

Let me know if it helps — and please join me on Facebook, too. I’d love to see you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 😀

[jcao226]

When i said control, i didnt mean like hey do this or else kinda thing. I meant it in way of moving things in an alternate direction for once. Because majority of the time i pick her up ON HER TIME, I take her home ON HER TIME. I guess you can say i would like to see if she is willing to go out of her way to see me, or talk to me on my time this time. Yesterday she had been texting me quite often and more detailed than usual. And surprisingly at night, she asked to talk on the phone. Im glad she wanted to because its one of the things i miss the most. i probably haven’t talk to her on the phone for about a month. Yesterdays plan did not work, my plan was to see if she would go out past 5:30 to see me. Al though she did not come out because she went somewhere with her sister, i got the impression she did want to see me and talk to me from reading her text messages. im hoping i get to see her today.

[Ask April Masini]

I hope you’ll read Date Out of Your League, like I suggested. It’s going to help you a lot. Here’s that link again: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

Let me know what you think after you read it, and if it helps at all — as I think it will A LOT! 😀

And join me on Facebook. I’d really love to see you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[jcao226]

So ive decided to move on. It has been a rough 2 months for me. She had broken up with me on the phone again. She told me she was confused. i received a call from her friend saying that she feels that the guy she is dating will end up hurting her. She had listed his flaws such as hes in a fraternity and he smiles weed everyday. I felt good to get a phone call from her friend. She had also told me that even tho she knows shes gonna end up hurt she wants to take a risk anyways. She still talks about me and asks about me, but what i have been doing is just focusing on myself as hard as it has been. But as much as i care for her and love her, i have to learn to let her go. Like you said she is young, i just wish things would have happened a bit different. Just knowing shes in another guys arm, kills me. But im going to take this time in working on myself. Because at the end of the day, the most important person in your life is yourself. And who knows maybe well end up together again in the future. Thank you for hearing me out April.

[Ask April Masini]

You really sound like you’ve got both feet on the ground and your eye on the horizon. 🙂 I’m sorry that you’re hurt, but I think you understand that this relationship has run it’s course. She needs to test the waters in her own life — even if that means getting hurt and learning about herself and what works for her. But you need to do the same, too! 😉 Letting go is hard — especially when you’ve been with her for so many years. But holding on to someone who is confused and doesn’t have a lot of dating experience is going to be worse for you than letting go.

I’m glad I was able to help you and I know you’re going to find true love and happiness by taking care of yourself first and foremost, and finding a woman who is compatible with you. 🙂

Please join me on Facebook. Here’s the link (I’d love to have you there): [url][/url].

[jcao226]

Do you think that over time she will start to appreciate everything i did for her, or what we had? Or miss me after being with me for 5 years and just suddenly completely stop talking to me? I told you i decided to get my feet back on the ground, but at the end of the day, theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about it. In a way i just cant help but hold on to some pieces, hoping that after dating this guy shell realize she made a mistake. i understand you say our relationship has run its course, but are there ever times where after dating some guy, people realize they made a mistake and want to get back with the previous boyfriend? That maybe this is the only way for her to know or realize since im all shes never known. The day i decided to let go and not monitor her every move, was the day i liberated myself and stared to feel better. But im hoping there is a chance with me and her in the near future. And i understand there are many girls out there, but for some reason i just want to be with her. I can only hope. Reading your first message gave me clarity on why she would do this. Maybe after she tests the waters, shell start to see the difference. But as of now, All i can hope for is that faith will bring us back together again. Working on myself this week has been different, there were alot of things i gave up when we got together such as music or reuniting with old friends again. It has been keeping my self esteem up. But i woke up this morning feeling really empty. I can only hope April. I would really hate to believe that our relationship has ran its course, maybe well meet again some day.

[Ask April Masini]

While she’s testing the waters, and deciding if she wants to come back to you or not, you [i]really, really, really[/i] should download and read Date Out of Your League. I sound like a broken record, but only because I think that this book is going to help you through this time, and to be ready for her if and when she does come back. Remember that if she does come back to you it will be with new experiences, and you need to be up to the game. I’m going to ask you again for the third time (but who’s counting?? 😆 ) to get Date Out of Your League and read it — and practice the advice in it. I know you’ll feel better when you do. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. 🙂

And join me on Facebook — I want to see you on AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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