[andysad]

I am really cornered and I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me.

It is just that I am completely lost and I just don’t know what to do next. Here is my story:

My wife and I have been married for over three years and have been together for eight. We didn’t have an ‘official’ wedding three years ago (it was a simple civil ceremony) but she always wanted a grandiose wedding. So in July we had a wedding of he dreams, with all the friends and family and me putting a lot of my savings and heart into it. It was the most amazing day of my life and I thought it was hers as well.

Weeks after returning home I started noticing things. My wife and her girlfriend started going out to night clubs ever weekends (always a girls’ night out). She has done this before but it has really intensified after our wedding. It’s gotten to a point where she was starting to spent nights at her girlfriend’s house because it was ‘closer’ to downtown and she didn’t have to drive that far.

Then I started uncovering things. It’s been such a painful process, full of deception and lies. First, she became a very distant person. She didn’t want any intimacy and even told me she doesn’t love me anymore. Keep in mind; this was two weeks after our wedding! Then I saw hidden photos hugging a guy in a nightclub. She claimed it was just innocent photos. Then I accidentally saw text messages on her phone between her and the same guy about any evening they spent together. She claimed it was just a drunk mistake – they kissed a couple of times but nothing else happened.

I grew really suspicious so I started digging. I never thought I’d resort to that but I was hurting so bad I had to know what really was going on so I started checking her correspondence. I didn’t trust my wife anymore. What I started uncovering was getting worse every day. Not only she slept with a guy, they’ve been in a serious relationship for over 4 months, seeing each other almost every other day, before and after our wedding! I was peeling it off layer by layer, finding more truth every day. Finally, I found out she is completely in love with the guy. I was devastated.

I was on the verge of filing for a divorce. I don’t know how but I found strength to forgive her. We spoke; and after many sleepless nights decided to give it a try. I told her that the only way I can move on if she severs all ties with her lover, never talks to him again, and doesn’t meet or spend time with members of opposite gender without me being present (she’s been going out to lunch with her ‘guy friends’ – another thing that she was doing) at least for a time being until we can regain the lost trust.

Unfortunately, more deception and lies continued. She has secretly removed her ‘married’ status on Facebook so I didn’t see the change but everyone else saw that she is no longer married. She has then put together a birthday greeting on her phone to her lover weeks before his birthday. When I saw it, my heart stopped. She has never written anything even close to that to me during the eight years we’ve been together. When I confronted her, she said she never intended to send it and it was just her way of getting ‘closure’. After talking to her, I’ve learnt about how miserable she has been all these years and that she misses the sparks and attraction that we had when we initially met. She found same ‘electricity’ with this guy.

After all this, I started blaming myself for what has happened, for neglecting her all these years, and not paying enough attention to her. I really felt like I failed our marriage and I failed her. I promised myself to win her love and devotion back. I’ve worked my butt off for the past month, completely turning my life around, arranging unbelievable things for us, like romantic getaways out of this world. We were doing things that she loves doing and having a good time. I know I could have not done better but I know I probably rushed things. All I wanted was to rekindle that fire. It didn’t work. She said she needs to move out to her friend’s for a couple of weeks so that we can clear our heads. I agreed to that.

What happened next shook the entire crumbling foundation of any trust I had left for her. On our original marriage’s anniversary, which also happens to fall on her lover’s birthday, she did send him the happy birthday message she has so thoughtfully composed weeks before. On top of that, she had a lunch with another ‘guy friend’ on the same day. Doing the two things she promised she wouldn’t on the day of our anniversary. This time I REALLY thought it was over but she came to see me asking for another chance and I gave it to her.

What makes things worse is that she has a friend (the copilot in all clubbing and the friend she has stayed with) who is unhappily married and in my opinion has serious issues with values. She is trying to force her husband out of her marriage, cheating on him and acting in ways that honestly make me sick. Unfortunately, all of that has been rubbing on off my wife. They both recently turned 30 and it seems that they think it is the last opportunity to feel young, sexy, wanted, etc. They’ve been going completely wild, crossing many boundaries that I find unethical and unacceptable. For a lack of a better word, I’ve never seen such behavior from my wife or anyone else, for that matter. It makes me sick.

She has stayed with her friend for the past two weeks. She has also undergone a breast-augmentation surgery (something she has planned for a while) and considering the circumstances, I thought was very distasteful. In any case, I supported her throughout the process and spend days caring after her at her friend’s house, feeding her, taking her for walks, doing her laundry while she was recovering. Regardless of what happened, I thought I had to be there for her and it felt good. We cleared our minds and actually somewhat grew closer together.

She moved back in yesterday. I really felt like a new beginning. Unfortunately, there is nothing new about it. I recently discovered that she is still talking to her lover (who calls to see how she is doing). She has written him messages about how she wants to be friends with him now. During the time she stayed with her friend she has been hanging out with other guys, communicating to them, and meeting with them on a frequent basis. In one of her messages she referred to me as her ‘ex’. Saying she couldn’t meet with one of them because she had to take care of her ‘ex’.

Yes, I had a heart attack at the age of 30 and ended up in a hospital. I didn’t tell her but I almost died that night. They barely saved my life; working on me for 6 hours in the emergency room. She didn’t even show up that night; stopping by the following night to bring me some clothes. How cynical is that? That’s why she couldn’t meet that ‘guy friend’, because she had to take care of her ‘ex’ who’s suffered a heart attack.

I have never felt so betrayed, humiliated, and disgraced in my whole life. The person who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life is turned out to be the most deceitful and dishonest person I have ever met. I feel sick and I feel used. I am still paying most of her bills and I feel the only reason she is still with me is because it would be hard for her to be on her own right now. Every time we’ve discussed the possibility of divorce, when that seemed to be the only option, she would back out and ask me to try and work things out.

During the past two months my mind has been telling me to end this. But I continue loving her with all my heart, despite seeing this monster that she has become. I really, really love her and I don’t know why. I love her with all my heart but she keeps breaking it every other day (literally smashing it into pieces and landing me in a hospital). I know I deserve much better than this. I am young, good looking and successful. I can have any woman I want, a woman who will love, cherish and respect me. The reason I had a heart attack is because I’ve been battling thoughts, feelings and emotions for over a month, trying to preserve my love for her, trying to forgive and forget. I even came across this quote that kind of changed my life and even sent it to her (she didn’t gratify it with a response, of course):

If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It’s no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She’s earned it, it’s a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake – and that is a real tribute of love, because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self-esteem.

My question is this: am I completely insane for trying to make it work or is it really over and I’ve been just blind refusing to admit it. Can it really get any worse than this? Is there anyone out there that can honestly say that this whole dysfunctional mess that is our marriage is worth trying to save?

Any help/advice or thoughts would be very much appreciated! Thank you!

[Badfinger]

Sorry buddy, divorce the WITCH, I’m very sorry you got taken for a ride like that.

Part of me is happy once you claimed you could get any woman, your ego needs a chainsaw taken to it, I am pretty surprised you said that after you just described a nightmare. Was this relationship based on you providing tangibles and nothing else?

On the plus side, you are still young and now you have ‘learned’ and will not make this mistake again?
Then again you are an egotistical spaz apparently, so you might attract this type of woman and you reap what you sow, so honestly you probably need an attitude adjustment, I hope this helps you on your way to recovery.

Regards,

B

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me start with your questions: Are you insane for trying to make this work? Yes. Can this get worse? Yes. Can this marriage be saved? No.

Easy, right?

The real question is why you subject yourself to behavior that is literally killing you. Do you need a neon sign? She doesn’t want you. I’m sorry. But if you can’t see that, you’re really in more trouble than I can help you with.

Of course she’s not going to “discuss a divorce with you.” 😯 She doesn’t have to. She’s got everything she wants. If YOU want a divorce then YOU will have to file for one and YOU will have to take charge of your life, because clearly she is not interested in your health, heart or well being in any way.

You may be young, handsome and able to get any woman you want — but not if you’re married to her, you won’t. And not if you’re dead from a second coronary attack. It’s time to do the right thing. Man up and call a lawyer in the morning.

I’m here if you need me — this isn’t going to easy, but it’s going to be a LOT easier than what you’re dealing with now.

[Member]

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