[Anonymous]

My bf and I have been dating just over 7 months. I’m 37 and he is 43. I’ve been married before and he has never been married. Most of the time it is great, but we have a recurring issue that is not really getting resolved. I’m an affectionate person and I tend to want to touch and hold hands when we are out. Not excessively, in my view, I’m not a big fan of PDA, either. He has asked me to refrain from touching him in public, even touching his arm or holding his hand seems to annoy him, unless he initiates it. I’ve worked on respecting his wishes, but it just comes so naturally to me, that I forget at times and he will bring it up again and say that I’ve been too affectionate. This hurts my feelings and I feel rejected and if I show this, he gets irritated with me. It seems like he wants to be in control and only touch when he initiates it, otherwise, it’s “too much”. It is somewhat this way at home, too, but not as bad.

A related situation is that he is planning to go to a wake this weekend at a bar where he used to work and knows many people. I was not planning to go, as he didn’t initially invite me. It’s been a central place in his life and he still goes there with friends and hangs out, at times. I have only been there once since we started dating and I feel that he is purposely keeping me away from this place, he has never invited me there (I sort of invited myself the time I was there). We were out and ran into a friend of his who will be at the wake and the friend asked if we both would be there. I said that I wasn’t sure, but then my bf asked me to go and I said that I would. I want to go and support him, I’ve attended wakes and funerals of people I didn’t know, but were important to friends or previous bf’s of mine, so I know how to behave in a supportive and subtle manner at these types of functions.

When we got home, he almost immediately told me that he wanted to make sure that when we went to the wake, that I wouldn’t be “clingy” and “hanging on him”. I don’t see myself as clingy at all. I feel like it is not unusual or unreasonable to hold hands or touch one another’s arm when we are out. I also feel that he wants to keep me out of this place, in particular. He says that is not true and that he wants me there, he just didn’t think I wanted to go, but of course, he never asked me in the first place except when put on the spot by his friend, who just assumed I would be there. Am I being overly sensitive? What do I do? I’m tired of trying to guess how much affection is “OK”.

[Ask April Masini]

There may be a reason he’s 43 and never married…. 😕 His dislike of your displays of public affection towards him seem like the symptom of something more deep seeded. He’s not going to change on this one, and so the questions remains: will you? ❓

Lots of couples have differences, and the way they stay together through the long term is by making compromises. Not every member of every couple agrees with or likes what the other is doing at any one time — but there is tolerance for a range of behavior. One of you is going to have to start caving — and hopefully you both will, although if you do, it will most likely be at different times.

Since you’re the one writing me, I think that you’re looking for the solution, and the solution for you is to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not, and if there is enough about this man that keeps you in the deal, then back off from the public displays of affection and save them for private. 😎

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