[bgshaker]

Any suggestions for a guy not sure about having the talk? It is a little early, but I have a limited amount of time leftover to invest in a relationship and need to cut to the chase. I am back to single life after 14 years and what used to come intuitively now escapes me. There’s also a good friendship at risk.

Started hanging out with my long-time stylist a couple months ago. She’s 10 years younger and just off a very short/very intense relationship. I’ve had a ridiculously tumultuous 12 months and we hang out, party a little, have good convo always and commiserate some. She’s a tiny bit of a mess, can’t get out of her own way, aloof, but I like that she’s very self aware and knows no denial or hypocrisy.

About a week and a half ago, we went to a concert and followed it up with a couple hour makeout session. I initially assumed that might not be an uncommon occurrence for her, being a straightforward 30+ y.o. and something of a party girl. The one thing that did stick out to me was how when we started making out, she pulled back and told me how (total paraphrase) she thought i was an awesome guy and an awesome dad during the aforementioned tumult. Nice, but not the “I’ve been wanting to do that/you’re hot” that I remember typically coming at that moment. I almost sensed pity, for lack of a better term. Anyway, eventually stopped smooching and went home.
Couple days later, had to meet to swap something and ended up having dinner, with her skipping a date/guy that we both agreed sounded lame. Agreed we had fun, light kiss good night. Couple days after that, had to swing by and grab something before leaving town, usual convo session, light smooch good night.
Since then, she seems standoffish. We’ve never had extensive communication other than in person (which is a sporadic occurrence), but her texts are noticeably more brief than usual and I just get a weird vibe.
I’m in a place where I’d just as soon get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later. But, I don’t want to ruin a good friendship or a shot at seeing if there’s more by coming off as overly anxious or misinterpreting. Avoiding awkwardness (nevermind the potential rejection) would be ideal.

Any thoughts on timing or a potential phrasing? I am paralyzed and starting to over analyze.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So here’s the deal: You’re not friends. Friends don’t make out. Don’t believe me? Check out her behavior since you did. The making out changed things. While she may seem super cool, most women can’t have sex (or sexual behavior) without an emotional component that is more than friendship. I hear it over and over again, and you can use the benefit of my experience — women who think they can make out or sleep with a guy, and “be cool” ….. can’t. She wants more.

Since she’s your stylist and you have a working relationship, my advice is to maintain that and use this experience to better understand that men and women can’t be friends. It may sound like troglodyte advice — but it isn’t. It’s very basic. There’s absolutely nothing wrong and a lot right with your going out with women, making out, testing the waters or just having fun. But don’t expect those women to be your date and your friend, and your stylist or other work-colleague — and not have “weirdness” between you (at best).

Don’t have the talk. It’s meaningless at this point. You already know that this isn’t a friendship. And if you don’t believe me, test it by making out with a date in front of this “friend”. She will act like a jealous ex. This isn’t friendship.

Congratulations on being single — and learning an important lesson: men and women can’t be friends.

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