[easterbunny]

I’m re-reading your book, April !

A man I have been seeing took me to a nice place for dinner, and proposed….. “let’s try to live together” 🙂
I evaded the answer then, but he was rambling on about living together as a step towards something more…
In his head it is a step towards marriage, and he would not marry someone he didn’t live with, so for him it seems to be a necessary step.
I’ve been co-habitating too many times and know how it goes…I know it is not in my interest.
But at the same time I see logic in trying before I buy and actually also think it is a good idea to live together first. But I didn’t let him know that because I don’t want to get stuck in that position and lose my freedom and power.
And once living with a man ( which I want to do before marrying him for my own peace of mind), I don’t know how to make sure we move on to marriage without me reminding/asking.
I don’t want to live separately until marriage, nor would he agree to that.
What to do ? How to say it ?

P.S. I got wiser now, I know that man asking me to live together is not “one step away marrying”.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How many times, exactly, have you lived with different men? And how old are you?

It sounds like you’ve done it a lot, so you have a lot of experience to draw on. Figure out why you lived with the men you did, and why things didn’t work out. While living together can be a valuable step towards learning if you want to marry someone or not, the truth is that even living together successfully before marriage can’t stop a divorce from happening. There are all sorts of reasons marriages work and don’t work — living together can be prudent, but it isn’t an insurance policy, as you seem to already know.

Would you feel better if a man proposed marriage to you with a date for the wedding that allowed for ample time to live together before the big day? It seems like dating seriously for a year should be plenty of time for people of marrying age, and marrying status (jobs are in order, they’re emotionally ready, socially ready, etc.) to figure out without living together if a person is Mr. or Ms. Right. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating this guy or whether or not you feel serious about him, so let me know if this helps!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[easterbunny]

Hi April,

I would definitely feel better if he proposed marriage with set time frame and living together for 6-12 months before that day. But that was not what he asked … I lived with 3 different men before and every time it was without marriage talk, just “natural progression” that didn’t progress further and eventually I left 2 of them, 1 left me.

Is there a subtle way to let him know that I am not opposed to moving in, but on certain conditions ? I don’t want to “bargain”, but maintain my dignity.

[Anonymous]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

How long have you been dating this guy? How long did you date the others before you moved in with them, and how long did you live with them before you split up? How old are you and how old is the guy you’re currently interested in?

[easterbunny]

We dated a few months and I am 30.
With other guys it was also moving in after a few months.

[Anonymous]

A few [i][b]months![/b][/i] [b][i] 😯 Way[/i][/b] too soon! You two hardly know each other. And you[i] [b]would [/b][/i]be “giving your power away” (so to speak) if you live with him at this juncture. 🙁 What’s your rush? 😕

Your gut instincts are good (“cohabitating is not in my interest”)and you know what will work for you (you would live together but “want to move on towards marriage”) so why not take your time and get to know him better? 😀 If you must respond to this premature request, you can nicely let him know you consider living together the last step before marriage and that you are not ready to do either one right now while you two are still getting to know each other.

Hope that helps. Mostly, just listen to your gut instincts. And that “been there, done that” voice. 🙄

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you, [b]Helene[/b], for your solid and sound advice! Moving in with a man — several different times in your case – is WAY WAY WAY too soon. 😮 At the three month mark you should be deciding if this is someone you want to date monogamously or not — not moving in and cutting off your other options for. I want you to read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. You can buy it immediately at this link as an e-book that downloads right away (so you can start reading today) or on the websites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon.

You need to get back to dating basics and learn the tricks and rules for winning at the dating game. I’d hate to see you waste any more time living with half a dozen or more guys who turn out to be the wrong ones. 🙁

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[easterbunny]

Well, I read your book, but I only have sex with men I am dating monogamously, after we both were tested for STD’s ( and still use condom, of course). I just have no interest in sex with a man who is a casual date. So what is your suggestion ? Have no sex for 3 months ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b]Easterbunny[/b], you need to re-read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], if you haven’t already. You can buy the book as an automatic download on the link I gave you or on the websites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon. You really, really need to read this book to understand how to date STRATEGICALLY. Moving in with someone as a “natural progression” hasn’t gotten you where you want to be, so you have to change your game plan.

If you do what the book suggests, you won’t find yourself in this situation. Your comment that you only date monogamously and get tested before you have sex with someone has NOTHING to do with finding Mr. Right and everything to do with safe sex and only safe sex. Sex is one thing, but having sex with someone who is going to be Mr. Right is another. If you don’t do the work required in Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], unfortunately, you’ll keep repeating this pattern where you’re living with guys who aren’t Mr. RIght and wondering what you’re doing wrong.

I hope this helps. Please re-read the book and THEN let me know how things are going to be different for you!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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