Hi, I was in a long term relationship with someone with a borderline personality disorder. I managed to get away and have been slowly building myself up again. Last summer I met someone and we got on really well, had loads in common. She knew about my previous relationship and how bad things were.
She was going through a hard time and I tried to help her and to listen and be supportive. After a few months of this, I was really drained. Her low moods were having a major impact on me and I could feel myself getting more and more exhausted.
Each time I said I needed time to myself, she’d have a crisis.
One time she said she’d been talking to her doctor and was thinking of going to hospital as an in patient. She had said that she had depression. I felt I was being manipulated but I talked to her and she felt better and didn’t go to hospital.
I got to the stage where I really couldn’t take any more negativity. I am sympathetic to how devastating depression is but I felt I was back in a situation where I was having to look after someone with my needs coming second.
So a few weeks ago I said I had had enough. I couldn’t go on like this. Her reaction was all over the place. She got angry said she wasn’t happy anyway and then a few hours later was apologising and then back to anger.
Then she told me that she had bipolar disorder and was feeling that life wasn’t worth living. She said she hadn’t told me because it was her private information and not my business.
At this point I felt a mix of sadness that she was feeling so bad but also anger and hurt that she had kept this vital information to herself for 6 months. Also I felt manipulated. Why was she telling me this now? After my previous relationship, I really don’t have the strength to be with someone with a serious medical condition. She feels I have let her down. I feel that she deceived me. If she had told me sooner, I could have decided how deeply I was prepared to commit. I thought I was helping a friend through a bad time. I hadn’t realised that this was the norm for her.
I’ve looked on some bipolar sites and the general view is that people like me, who choose not to be in a supportive role, are just the lowest of the low.
I feel awful that I have pulled away but i stayed in my previous relationship for far too long and didn’t want to make the same mistake again.
I’m really struggling with this. I know I need to look after myself and that I was being drained by her. But It isn’t easy feeling that I have let her down. At the same time I’m really hurt and angry that she didn’t tell me the truth. So now I’m building myself up again.
I’d be grateful for your view.
