[girlanachronism]

In July of 2013, my boyfriend and I decided to break up after nearly four years because of this one night, I got so fed up with being taken for granted and lied to for the last seven months of our relationship…so I made out with my manager/friend.
I can admit this now that I fell for this other guy at first sight (December 2012). It was during a job interview and I mistook him for being a manager’s son. He didn’t state his title so I assumed he was doing fill in work for hiring. Anyway, a month after I saw him again to begin work, I accidentally initiated our friendship by a drunken text message. The messages never stopped, and as we worked together often, we kept our friendship a secret and sometimes hung out to watch movies at his apartment late at night, while my boyfriend was out doing god knows what. We never had sex or kissed because we both had significant others, so I guess we were denying ourselves of the sexual chemistry but we respected the others…somewhat.
During a pre-fourth of july event at work, we ended up drinking together and eventually made out for the rest of the night on the rooftop of the building. It was amazing and I never felt that way before.
The next day I told my boyfriend, but someone already told him they saw me and even spread worse lies and it caused a lot of animosity. Although the day after we broke up he tried apologizing, I found out he cheated on me a few months back (my hasty assumptions were correct). So I was upset and started seeing my manager. We couldn’t keep it a secret anymore because a few people at work saw us kiss, but we still acted as professional as possible. He even told me he fell in love with me at first sight which was both flattering and scary. I was so into him and he made it clear that he was really into me so we made it official two months after we kissed and fooled around. We had such great chemistry and got along a little too well; however, my friends never really approved of him, but I loved him regardless of his social awkwardness, but I really do not know why they never gave him a chance. I feel that it influenced me too much when breaking up or needing space from our electric relationship. They even kept saying that they all like my other ex better. Which in retrospect wasn’t fair to me while I was trying to get over him.
Anyway, since we started dating, we had some ups and downs due to our uncertainty of us still talking to our exes, we even looked through each others phones around the same time…His ex was a drug addict (and a terrible girlfriend) so he made that an excuse to check on her. My excuse was because my ex was a long time friend of mine and he gave me an ultimatum of choosing him over being friends with my ex. I felt confused and ended it for a week or two..the make up sex won me over and i realized he was really important to me. But then again…I broke up with him again because I saw my ex in person for the first time in a while and we both started crying. So at that point knew I didn’t give myself enough healing time by getting into a relationship with mr. Manager so fast, but I honestly could not help myself around him. We are so much alike and he drove me wild in the best and worst ways than I could ever fathom.
I did not care that he was my manager at first, but then it started bugging me, especially when he would get agitated at work or down talk employees who I was friendly with. He also seemed very impolite to other people but he treated me like a queen.
I broke up with him a third time because he was moving two and a half hours away for a career advancement and I felt like it wasn’t going to work but I ended up staying with him in the new town this past summer and it was amazing.
A little over a month ago I broke up with him because he told me he never told his ex the real reason he dumped her. I felt that it was so dishonest, and I felt bad for her (yup, I felt bad for the witchy ex!) It’s bad enough she had a drug dependency but she honestly had little of an idea that he broke up with her to be with me and it was just an odd situation. It hurt me but I told him I wanted to focus on my career and school instead of the real reason. He forced me to tell him through a text message and I beat myself up for it all of the time now.
Now, I am casually seeing my other ex of nearly four years…I still think of the possibilites of staying with manager guy, who isn’t my manager anymore by the way! He loved me more than I could possibly feel and I am screwed up in the head now. It feels like a bad dream.
And then there is my ex and high school sweetheart that I deeply care for but I do not know his intentions. I am trying the friends with benefits thing but it just gets too personal and I feel empty after we hang out or get intimate.

Should I just stop seeing my ex of 3 years until I sort out my feelings for the manager guy? I have a feeling he still cares but acts like he does not care and is over me. I recently contacted him via text to get some of my things back and we got off topic for an hour of witty banter, but when we got back to arranging to get my things, he said he would prefer not to see me because he had no reason to and was considering mailing me my stuff. I told him i can just get it and he seemed okay with that. I have not seen him in 6 weeks, he deleted me off of Facebook but gave me his new number. I’m undeniably confused.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you and the other men?

[girlanachronism]

I am twenty three, my first ex (which was also first serious relationship) is also twenty three; the manager guy is twenty two.

[AskApril Masini]

Thanks for the age information. That helps — because it looks like your boyfriend of four years has been dating you since the two of you were 18 or 19 years old. What that indicates is that you’re both relatively new to dating. The problem in the relationship seemed to occur when you realized towards the end that he’d been dishonest with you and cheating for about seven months. Rather than work through that issue together, or decide that he was cheating because he was done with the relationship with you, but didn’t know how to end it, or simply end it yourself, you cheated in retaliation. Chaos ensued.

I think the best way to address your question about who to see, is to talk about some relationship basics. 😉 The best way to have a happy, healthy relationship is to be clear about what you want for yourself. Then, know what you have to offer, and what your relationship deal breakers are. This is harder to figure out and articulate than you might think, and it changes as your life changes. It sounds like you stayed too long in the first relationship and didn’t deal with problems directly, instead, creating drama by cheating because you were mad about your boyfriend cheating — never a good solution! 😉 You seem to have rebounded with the guy you were cheating with, who is probably more of a Mr. Right Now, than a Mr. Right.

The best thing for you to do is to be single for a while and figure your own life out, and what you want in terms of a relationship. In other words, clear the slate and start fresh. You’re young and it doesn’t sound like either of these guys is your Mr. Right. You may find more opportunity simply playing the field with an open mind and a better understanding of your own goals.

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[girlanachronism]

Thank you so much for the advice. I will definitely stay single and just focus on myself for a while. I was really young and I do regret retaliating but I can only learn from all of this drama and not repeat 😀
Thank you, once again.

[AskApril Masini]

Sounds like you’re on a good track, now! 🙂

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