[Anonymous]

I’m in a bit of a weird situation involving two men. I was separated from my husband of close to 20 years and preparing for divorce. I met a very attractive man, ‘A’, when we worked together on a project. Although I’d never met him before, we clicked immediately and within 20 minutes of our first meeting we were teasing each other like we’d known each other all of our lives. We had a great time working together before we had to return to our respective homes. ‘A’ lives about a half day away by vehicle, and does not work for the same company that I do. We worked together on several occasions after that and had a huge amount of fun alternately insulting one another and flirting like crazy. He did not make a physical pass, which was appropriate considering that we were co-workers working on a job. We’d say goodbye with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

As well as having a lot of fun, we work together very well. One of us will make a suggestion and the other one will build on it, and it will go back and forth building idea on idea til we end up with something much better than either of us could get on our own.

We both attended a training course on techniques with which he was familiar and I was not. He unobtrusively looked after me and made sure that I was safe. I also ended up staying at his place while attending the course – in my own bed, though.

He has never been married, though he did live with a woman for about ten years. I know that he respects me professionally, and I know that he also enjoys both our mental synergy at work and our periodic descents into silliness.

In between work trips, we exchanged emails several times a week, then I started calling him occasionally at home (from my home) to discuss work issues that we somehow kept digressing from. We would end up commiserating with each other on our respective lack of dates, and I would update him on the progress of my divorce, we would argue happily about everything under the sun – and we would still flirt like crazy. I told him that I was enjoying being single again and was in no hurry to rush into another committed relationship.

We still hadn’t seen each other, really, outside of a work situation. We made arrangements to go away together for a few days on a recreational activity that we both enjoy. However, then he got involved in a large and horrible project at his work and couldn’t end up getting the time off. I was very disappointed but I figured that if he’d really, really wanted to see me he could have found a way.

At that point, ‘B’ re-entered my life. ‘B’ is an old friend that I’ve known casually for years, whom I met shortly after I got married. He has now been divorced for a few years and now lives locally. He’s a nice guy and I like him very much. We went out together a few times on recreational activities and I had fun, though it wasn’t like what I’d enjoyed with ‘A’. When I talked to ‘A’ on the phone I announced that I’d had a date. He seemed a little taken aback at first but quickly recovered. He would periodically ask how that relationship was going and I’d tell him that I was dating casually a few times a week.

Then ‘B’ confessed that he’d been attracted to me for years, and he wanted to be more than friends. I told him pretty much what I’d told ‘A’, that I was having fun being single and wasn’t looking for a committed relationship at that point. I said that I did have other male friends that I enjoyed spending time with, that I intended to continue to see them and no one was allowed to be jealous. I also told ‘B’ that I hadn’t had sex with anyone other than my soon-to-be ex husband and I didn’t intend to get into a sexual relationship at that point with anyone. He was fine with those ground rules and we continued to see each other. Then one evening things got out of hand and I ended up breaking my own rule. I could have stopped him, probably, but I didn’t.

So now I’ve been dating (and sleeping with) ‘B’ for several months. We see each other mostly on weekends, but he calls me every day or two. He brings me little gifts, odd things that few women but me would like. I’m pretty sure he isn’t seeing anyone else – our mutual friends tell me he isn’t. Sometimes the joy on his face when he looks at me just makes me melt. I like him very much and I do enjoy the sex – but somehow the mental connection isn’t like what I feel coming from ‘A’. Although I’m closer physically to ‘B’, in my head I’m closer to ‘A’.

Now it looks like I’ll have the opportunity to work with ‘A’ again. I’m excited by the prospect of seeing him again, but I’m unsure what to do. I’m pretty sure that ‘A’ is dating in the town where he lives. Is it fair to both of these men for me to continue investigating the prospect of a relationship with ‘A’? I really like both men and I don’t want to do wrong by them. Is it realistic to seek a relationship with a man who lives so far away?

Both men know about each other, in the abstract sense. ‘B’ knows that I haven’t had a physical relationship with ‘A’. ‘A’ knows that I am dating ‘B’ but I haven’t told him that the relationship is sexual, although he would have to suspect that it is. Both know that I’m not looking for a commitment at this point. I’m still not even divorced yet, but I’ve been separated for a year and a half.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it’s okay to date more than one man since you’re about to be divorced. In fact, it’s a good idea to date around and see what kind of relationship you want, and what kind of man you want to be your Mr. Right v. 2.0! In fact, that’s exactly what you’re doing without realizing it. You’re understanding that you have a work and mental connection with Man A and you have a familiar and comfortable connection with Man B, but that Man B doesn’t excite you as much as Man A — however Man A hasn’t stepped up to the plate to ask you out, which could ultimately be a deal breaker.

Basically, I’d ask you to go easy on yourself and enjoy dating. In addition, don’t feel you have to report every detail of every date, conversation and interaction with each guy to the other in the spirit of full disclosure. This is dating, not legal intercourse! You’re allowed some mystery and privacy while you are testing the waters, and you’ve already let both guys know, separately, that you’re not ready to make a full on commitment to anyone — MAINLY because you’re still married!

I hope that helps you navigate the dating waters.

[Member]

Posts