[jkcole_0408]

I’ve asked my closest friend for advice and both my sisters. I’ve gotten three different answers and I’m just really lost. I have been married for the last 12 years, and we dated for three years prior to that. Several things have happened in our marriage that has just left me completely broken hearted. We have two children and that is where my conflict lies. I have not been in love with my husband for the past 8 years, but I made a commitment to stay with him for better or worse…etc and so forth. The thing is, I loved my husband more than life itself but he has managed to turn that love into nothing, really. I tried and tried and tried again to hold our marriage together, but for the last 10 years he has slowly chipped away at my love for him and now I have no feelings for him whatsoever. I am very unhappy, but I’m not a quitter and I always believed in marriage for life, but when lies and trust issues are revealed several years into your marriage ~ what do you do? He has not cheated on me, that I know of, it just has to do with his family and making them happy even at our family’s expense. His parents never quit and they make me miserable and he always sides with them and does whatever will make them happy; I would say 90% of our arguments come about over his family. The other thing that has changed my feelings for him is that I finally just cut off from him. We live in the same house, pay the bills, take care of the kids, but we do our own things now with our own friends. We have nothing in common, and to be truthful, I’m not sure we ever did or I’ve just changed so much that what we used to do doesn’t appeal to me at all. One last loop in this battle is that I’ve met someone and somewhere along the way, over the last year, I’ve really taken to him. No, I’ve not cheated, nor will I, but what does that say about my feelings for my husband that I can have such strong feelings for someone else??? What to do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re lonely. 😳 And this other guy you met isn’t going to cure that loneliness because you’ve made a commitment to honor your marriage for the sake of the children, and every time you go home or attend a family function, you’ll still be lonely. So let’s work on that.

The problems in your marriage you seem to blame on your husband “chipping away” at the relationship. It’s hard to imagine you didn’t have some responsibility in this dynamic, so you need to find the place where YOU can begin to make a difference. Right now, you’re living a silent divorce — separate lives within a marriage. This is just going to lead to more loneliness and anger at yourself that you’ll direct at him. It’s not a good path for you. So let’s see if we can’t steer you off of it.

Starting with yourself is a good idea. My guess is that you’ve neglected yourself and given to everyone but you. It’s time for you to start working out, giving yourself make overs, meeting with your girlfriends, doing things that are fun for you and putting a spark back in your own life. When you start feeling good about yourself, you’ll be more generous in your marriage and your family.

Then you have to break this cold war with your husband. You have to get off this track where you’re living separate lives. Invite him to a romantic dinner and start making date nights and see if you can’t get your sex life back on track — I know, I know, easier said than done — but try. It’s worth it.

Let me know if any of these suggestions help, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[jkcole_0408]

Thank you for your advice. I really do want to make my marriage last, but I do want to be happy and fulfilled. And yes, I am sure over the years I have become tainted and began pushing him away but when I look at him, now, I just don’t have any feelings for him, I’m at a loss. You are right. I have been neglecting ‘me’ I started doing some things for me this past year. I am getting much happier with me. And, again…you are right. I am lonely in my marriage. I’ve tried telling my husband this for the last year but he just doesn’t seem to understand and in some cases he’s gotten angry with me for telling him how I felt. He says he’s happy and can’t understand why I’m not and that I would just have to find a way to get happy. I was the one who, in the past, tried to keep it going. I set up the dates, the special birthdays and anniversaries, just special ‘I’m thinking of you gifts’ and any other special outings that we did. In the 12 years since we’ve been married, he hasn’t done one thing to set up anything romantic ~ and has never once tried to surprise me. If I wanted romance, I had to get things moving. I’ve even brought this to his attention. All he tells me is that I didn’t marry a romantic and he doesn’t like surprises (and he doesn’t). But, I’ll try once again to see if I can get something out of him and peak my interest as well.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help, and it sounds like you’ve uncovered a layer in your problem and are ready to work deeper. This is a good thing. 🙂 Your husband is right in a couple of regards. It isn’t his job to make you happy and if he wasn’t romantic when you married him, it’s not fair for you to want him to suddenly be someone else or take on attributes he never had. But that doesn’t mean it’s game over by a long shot.

Focus on yourself and doing things that will make you feel better about you. Working out, make overs, new lingerie, a new hair color or cut are starters. Then expand. Make new girlfriends. Volunteer for people with less than you have. And give back to your husband. Men love sex, and if you have any interest in getting his attention and making him want to please you, that’s a good place for you to start. 😎 It also has a mutual pay off. You’ll feel more sexually satisfied, more sexual and you’ll gain a better sense of well being.

If your husband isn’t into spontaneous, then you plan the getaways and the dates. If he’s willing to show up, and he’s happy in the marriage then who knows what new ground you may forge with those assets!

Keep going and keep your heart and your mind open. 😀

Follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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