[jawchick]

ex-girlfriend cheated on me with a guy old enough to be her father and broke up with me with out giving me the chance to even try to work things out with her. she did this 4 months before i was supposed to move to where she lived. why do people do this?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Sometimes people have trouble being direct, so they create drama instead. In other words, your GF may have had cold feet about moving in together but instead of addressing the problem and you directly, she opened the door labeled chaos. 😕 By sleeping with this other guy, she bombed the relationship and got the same result she would have if she’d just come to you and said flat out, “I don’t want to move in together because x, y and z.” 😳

She may have a history of chaos (this behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere) or she may have been too immature to deal with a problem directly. Maybe this guy wasn’t a one time thing and she’d been cheating with him all along, but you found out about him this way. You see, there are lots of reasons she could have done what she did.

The bottom line is that you dodged a bullet. I know it’s hard to see it that way because you’re still committed to the good part of the relationship and the dream of a happy co-habitation with her, but the reality is that she isn’t someone who wanted the same thing you did. You weren’t a good match, and even though she was far from graceful in ending this relationship, you now know exactly where you stand.

My advice is to embrace the new day and move on. You can find someone, if you date smart, who is a LOT more compatible with you than she is. 😀 I say go for it!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[jawchick]

but even though she broke up with me she still moved in with me. i dont understand.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Hmmmm….. you’re now asking why she moved in with you after she cheated on you, but the real question is why YOU moved in with her after she cheated on you. 😯

I’m not sure how old you both are or how long you’ve been dating each other, but this doesn’t sound like a relationship with a future. 😳 I stand by the advice I gave you earlier. Re-read it, and I hope that helps.

[jawchick]

im a 4th year college student and shes a freshmen. off and on for 4 years. i had no place else to go. she lives as my dorm roommate. i fell for the “i want to be your friend still” thing

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

[quote] i had no place else to go.[/quote]

That’s hard to believe. I think what really happened is that it was easy for you to have her move in with you (not sure who moved in with whom, really). If you’re going to take the easy route, you’re going to have a struggle in relationships. 😕

[quote] i fell for the “i want to be your friend still” thing[/quote]

Well, if you fell for it, get up off the ground! The friend zone is a bad place to be. 😳 I never recommend men and women be friends — especially in your situation where there is a history of romance. One person always wants more than the other, so the friendship isn’t really a friendship. It’s a loaded dynamic waiting for drama to happen.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😕

[jawchick]

if were both women does the same friendship rule apply?

im at an out of state college. she lives in that state. she has some where else she can live and still go to the school.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I see….. so you’re a lesbian and she’s bi-sexual, right?

If so, yes, the friendship rule still applies and here’s why: Once you have sex with someone, things change. It takes a very long time before you can both see each other as just friends, and sometimes that never happens. So if you’re honest, you can’t really be friends once you have sex because it’s a different relationship now. One person usually likes the other one more and that means that the so called friendship is riddled with dynamics that don’t usually challenge a friendship. Confusion ensues. Hurt feelings are par for the course, and advice given to the “friend” is never really honest because it’s laced with subtle manipulation to put the two of you back together again — in some way.

As for your living situation, if you really wanted to move out and not live with her, you can go to the housing department of the university and explain that you need a roommate change, or you can find someone to swap housing situations with and make sure the lease agreement is still honored, etc.

I hope that helps!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[jawchick]

thanks.

one more question for a difrent friend. why would someone who broke up with someone who they cheated on and wants to be their friend turn around and treat them horrable when that person didnt do anything wrong in the now ex-relationship? ….if that made any sense….

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It may not make sense to you, but when a person cheats it’s often because they can’t or don’t want to confront what’s really going on in the primary relationship so they try to get that person’s attention — even if it’s negative attention — by cheating. In other words they act out their feelings in places that aren’t directly related to the true meaning of those feelings. So even though your friend cheated, he or she may act out his or her anger at him or herself — on the wrong person. Children do this all the time. You’ll see them get pushed on the playground and instead of acting out on the person who pushed them, they come home and push someone else. Often, teenagers act out on the stable parent/s because they know it’s okay to do so — that parent will be consistent and loyal to them.

The friend of yours who seems to be acting out inappropriately is doing the best that he or she can — but it’s not a really healthy projection of feelings.

I hope that helps. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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