[Sunny]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for exactly, maybe just unbiased opinions? I have come to realize my head isn’t exactly where it should be these days.

I have been married for 6 years, we have two children, the youngest has a life limiting disorder. Needless to say, the past year since his birth has been somewhat busy for me. Learning to care for a child with unique medical issues has been a very rewarding experience but also, just very different.

In any event, My husband hasn’t always been the best at being the “family man”. Although he’d describe himself as such. Since the beginning, he’d on occasion, end up going out on a weekend and just chaos would unfold. He, for sure, has a drinking problem….He isn’t an everyday kinda drinker. A binge drinker who could go a month or two at a time without drinking but the weekend he does, watch out cuz it gets pretty crazy. I sort of just learned how to cope during these times. I decided years ago not to partake in this type stuff so I pretty much stay at home when he chooses to drink and go out. Of course, he’d always say he’d be home at a certain time and not show up til early hours of the morning….if not the next day. He’d always claim he was just “hanging out with guy friends sobering up, etc”.

I don’t know what’s true, never went searching. Certainly, if he were cheating, it would be the occasional one night stand type of thing, not some other woman type of continous fling…..not that that would be better.

A few months ago things sort of came to a head….I couldn’t stand the disrespect that came about with his drinking and was tired of carrying all the weight of the family while he got to be carefree leaving me to pick up the pieces after his chaos. I had enough on my plate and he should be my partner, not another one of my children.

I told him, “us or your alcohol, not both”. He can turn somewhat violent when he’d come home after drinking. He’s been sober for 3 months and seeking help for the drinking. I’m happy for him in regards to that and I hope it sticks (heard it before so I am not too trusting at this point).

A few weeks ago, I lost my cell phone. Stored in my cell phone were several numbers I didn’t know by heart but needed for baby stuff (physical therapist, etc) so I looked up our phone records online to retreive old numbers. While trying to weed through his numbers for his phone and my numbers for mine, I notice phone calls he’d make at odd hours of the night and it caught my attention, making me look closer. (odd hours, 2 am on a friday night, etc). I looked back at other months and notice the same number coming up repeatedly on weekend nights a few times a month when he’d be out. I asked him about it and he instantly got angry. I imagine I may have to if I felt someone were snooping. However, that isn’t what I set out to do and quite frankly, I was shocked to notice that. Call me dumb but I really thought when he was out and being drunk and dumb, he truly was just “hanging otu with guys” and just didnt’ know when to call it a night due to drinking issues. It’s what he always told me and I am not “too trusting” but more, have better things to do then sit around and try to uncover that type stuff during his drunken episodes.

Fast forward, he told me who’s number it was, it’s a girl who works for him (not WITH him, for him). He said he was just texting her to see where she was or what was going on while trying to keep the party going, blah blah blah. I pushed a bit because it just didn’t make sense and said, “you wanted to see what was going on at 1 am? bars close at 2…..granted, I haven’t acted like a young, carefree, immature girl since college or so but last time I got a text from a guy at 1 am, he wasn’t just wanting to know who was where I was, that’s for sure….”

Since then, I just can’t let it go. After all these years, after what I’ve stood by through, this just feels like the biggest slap in the face of all. Nothing he says makes sense….he’s vague at best when I ask a question and gets so annoyed so easily when I bring it up saying, “I said I was sorry. I realize how it looks but it’s innocent and would never happen again.”

I don’t know. Things like this have happened in the beginning of our relationship, I really thought this type of behavior was behind us….The drunken stuff was bad but this in the mix with it and it’s so hard to swallow. I feel as if I lost the last little bit of respect I had left. I don’t expect him to actually be honest. I realize his reaction, vague answers and quick temper is a sign of dishonest and it’s certainly disrespectful.

Not knowing the truth is the worst and honestly, it’s robbed me of the slightest bit of security or faith I had left. When push comes to shove, I wish he could just show me he’s capable of telling the truth.

I just feel so disrespected and confused.

[Anonymous]

That must have really confused and hurt you.
The only thing you can really do is ask him about it, without him getting angry.
You need to sit down, when he’s sober and ask him. If he gets angry, just stay calm and ask why he’s getting angry.
I cant really think of anything else you can do. Talking to the girl herself would only cause more problems I imagine.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Alcoholism is a disease that most people who have, can’t control without help. It’s a lot like your son’s life affecting disorder. This disease is something that needs lifelong attention. Sobriety rocks, but relapses are common.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease so without help, things are going to get worse for you, living with him. People usually deal with alcoholics by putting up boundaries that protect themselves from the chaos that alcoholics create. You’d probably get some comfort and support by attending Al-Anon meetings in your local community.

What makes this disease precarious is that just because an alcoholic is not drinking doesn’t mean that the personality type that goes with alcoholics disappears. It’s still there even when your husband isn’t drinking. Many people with addictive behavior will substitute one behavior for the alcohol when they stop drinking. Sometimes it’s smoking cigarettes, sometimes it’s compulsive exercise, sometimes it’s shopping. Often it’s sex.

As the spouse of someone with this issue, all is not lost — however, you’re going to have learn more about addiction, alcoholism and personality types that are prone to addictive behavior. You’re also going to have to learn how you can protect yourself — boundaries are important. Understanding is important. Education is important.

Honesty is going to be a challenge for your husband, because the disease becomes more important than any human relationship, to people with addictive personalities. He’ll want to hide behavior from you that points out his chaos-making. That’s why he got so angry with you about finding his cell phone and looking at the call history, then questioning him about the inappropriate calls. You threatened his relationship with the chaos he is prone to creating.

You can make this work, but you need some support yourself. Start with the Al Anon meetings, and let me know how things go.

I’m wishing you good luck! 🙂

[Member]

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