[mxpx182]

I’m in a long distance relationship with a very sweet, understanding, beautiful woman. Very long distance. I’m currently deployed to Afghanistan and she’s back in the states. Even when I was stateside we were far enough apart that we had to fly to see each other. I was planning on proposing during my midtour leave, but I am a bit confused right now.

I’ve been gone almost 2 months and I’m not desperately missing her. I look forward to her emails and letters, but it doesn’t bother me that we don’t talk on the phone or see each other. It bothers her a lot more than it bothers me, but she supports me fully in being over here, and she’s never negative towards me about it. The thing that bothers me most, though, is that I can’t seem to fantasize about her. I really want to, but it almost feels wrong when I try. It feels awkward. I can only fantasize about other girls, and I hate it.

A little more background info on our relationship. We’ve been very good friends for 2 years now. I have stayed up talking to her on the phone, up to 8 hours a night many times in the past. She gets me like no one else does, and she’s told me on numerous occassions that it’s crazy how well I understand her. We liked each other since the beginning, but only were able to see each other every so many months due to the cost of plane tickets. We dated off and on, 3 times. Whenever I would go out with other women they would pale in comparison to my current gf. I eventually realized this and we’ve been in a serious relationship since. My family loves her. Her family loves me. And she’s the first serious gf I’ve had that my friends all approve of. We visit each other for about 5 days at a time every few months. We’re also waiting until marriage to have sex, but we’ve bent the rules quite a bit. I’m open with that. She had sex in highschool, but hasn’t since she became a Christian. I haven’t yet, but like I said, it’s difficult, and I’ve bent the rules. I’m open with my shortcomings. I would fantasize about her back at home, but we would exchange dirty texts off and on. She’s also the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated, so that’s not the issue.

I recognize that love isn’t just about infatuation. She makes me a better person. She’s smart. She’s responsible. She’s fun to be with. She’s selfless. She never nags. She’s beautiful. I love her. Those are all reasons that made me want to propose. I already made a downpayment on a ring I’m having custom made for her (I found everything she likes in an engagement ring). But I’m seriously bothered by my lack of passion. What’s going on? What would you do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think that this is a serious problem. I do think it’s something that will resolve when you’re having sex with her, which sounds like something you want to wait for marriage to engage in.

I think you’re conflicted because you have some philosophical and/or religious ideas about sex which are why you want to wait for marriage, and why she’s reclaimed her virginity as a Christian. These thoughts are interfering with your ability to fantasize sexually about her because you want to hold up her as a pure woman, in your mind, and you also want to consider her as a sexual being, and this may conflict in your mind.

Once you’re having sex within marriage, which is what you both want, you can make the bedroom your playground and I think you’re going to lose any of these problems you’re having now, which are literally and figuratively, all in your head.

I hope that helps.

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