[lindstie90]

I have been with my spouse for quite some time now, I am very much in love with him – we are expecting our first child together October 5th & for that I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes I feel we have the perfect relationship – I’ve never been more satisfied with a man. EXCEPT for one thing: My spouse has extreme & deep rooted trust issues. It all began roughly 8 months ago – I left my Facebook account unattended & he saw a conversation that a guy from my childhood and I had.. The conversation was the guy trying to get me to hang out with him and I refused telling him that I have a boyfriend – I logged off a short while later & the guy kept msging me; eventually he got angry & began saying things that made me look bad (I will tell people your secrets, I have drugs, etc..). But the truth was I had no secrets to tell! This guy was just a total mess. Anyway my spouse was very upset with seeing this and we broke up for about a week. Once we got back together he was still choked over the situation & I agreed to give him my facebook password in order for him to take one final look – when he opened my facebook there was a msg from a black male whom I had never met, the msg said “hey’ with no replies or other messages. My spouse then began to blame me for deceit and wrong doing in that situation. Finally I got rid of my facebook account losing access to it completely in an attempt to better our relationship. But the more my spouse thought about things the more he couldn’t move on from it so he just kept accusing me. We break up again and I end up at my moms house but, my clothes and other belongings were still at my spouses home. This one night during me being at my moms house my spouse got very intoxicated & he began messaging me saying very hurtful things .. I decided to not msg back hoping he would sleep the effects of alcohol off & tomorrow could be another day. In the meantime because I stopped msging my spouse begins to believe that I am not home.. At this point I am 3months pregnant. He packs all of my belongings from his house & drives to my mothers place of residence.. I watch him from my mothers window as he throws my belongings out onto her yard in a drunken stupor. The next time we speak he blames me for being in a vehicle with another guy because he claims to have seen a guy and girl out that night and he believes fully that the girl he saw was me. It wasn’t. Over the next few months we resume our relationship which is nearly perfect if he would just stop accusing me of these things! I tried everything to prove my innocence – Nothing worked. Finally my spouse comes up with a plan to fix our problems: I Must once again regain access to my Facebook & let him view my personal messages.. His deal was that he would only look threw the messages that were send over the time we were dating – I was fine with this. I would do absolutely ANYTHING for my man and this relationship. He doesn’t find anything and this confirms what has been right all along – I’ve been faithful. But he over steps his boundaries – he looks farther back in my msgs reading things that were said to other men before we got together. Some of those things were sexually explicit. Now he refuses to see or speak to me because of this. That was my PAST.. It was Not relevant to us but now I’m losing him over it?!?! I DONT UNDERSTAND PLZ HELP!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If someone is dead set on fighting, the only thing you can do is take yourself out of the house and turn off your electronics. But since you have a son together, that’s not possible. Everybody comes to a relationship with some sort of baggage, and you had boyfriends before you married your husband. That’s normal.

My advice is to create some healthy boundaries. First, no more engaging with guys who are exes or friends. Keep it super clean because of the circumstances with your husband. Second, explain to your husband that you both had a past, and you both dated and had sex with others before you got together with each other. This is normal, and if he has a problem with this, you’d like to know how he wants you to fix it. Third, be scrupulously honest with him. He will look for any excuse to leverage something you’ve forgotten to tell him into a lie and an argument. And fourth, understand that if this issue your husband has is something he is not going to deal with, you’re going to have no choice, eventually, but end this. Either yourself, or because he forces you into a nuclear fight.

Be realistic, generous and honest — and take care of yourself. You’re going to need your resources to get through this. 😉 Get babysitting help from your relatives and friends so you can go to the gym, see a movie, walk through the park, go to a museum and look at art — or whatever you do to nurture yourself. The stronger you are, the more easily this will work out.

[Member]

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