[LiveNloveLife]

Im in a 9 year relationship and recently my girlfriend went on a work related conference in another city. I asked her to send me her hotel info and she forwarded it to me by email. Instead of forwarding me the email that the hotel sent her she accidentally forwarded me the hotel info email that she earlier sent to some guys hotmail and gmail account. I thought this was weird so I questioned who he was and why she would send him her hotel info and she lied to me saying it was her brothers friend. I did a little research and turns out the guy is someone she works with indirectly. He lives in another city 2 hours away and he is or was married and has at least 2 kids that I saw on facebook. In the morning I found that she had him as a friend on facebook and later in the evening she removed him, I guess fearing I would notice but too late I already had. I called the guys work and his voice message indicated he was off of work that same week that she was off on the conference. Eventually I cornered her and she told me she lied about who he was cause she thought I would get mad, as I was upset with her the whole week leading up to it. She is a person who has extreme fear issues, she gets scared of almost everything and very easily. She said she meant to forward him the conference info because he was interested in it and she accidentally sent him the hotel info instead. Why she did not send it to his work email address is beyond me and why does she have both of his hotmail and gmail accounts. I wrote the guy some emails asking how he knows my girlfriend and why she sent him her hotel info but he never replied, a 2nd email I also threatened to ask his wife and still no reply. I told her I wanted proof of where she was and where this other guy was, so I wanted to see both their passports and her phone call records, I told her I needed proof that the other guy wasnt there with her. When she got back home we talked and then the next day I didnt hear from her for a while. I missed her phone call and then I went to her work knowing she would be there. Guess who she walked out of the building with, yes the other guy (who lives 2 hours outside of our city). Her excuse for him being there was that she called him in the morning and explained the whole situation and that they needed to write up a legally binding contract that would protect them both and state that they werent at the conference together. They thought it best to be done at her place of work where its safe. Earlier I did threaten to go to her boss and find out whats going on so she really was scared for her job and he probably was too. I tried to talk to the guy but he wasnt saying a word, and my girlfriend said that he was being quiet because he was scared for legal matters. So eventually the guy says to me why would i talk to you I dont even know you. I tell the guy that Im her boyfriend and this seemed to upset him as he finally spoke up and said to my girlfriend, “you’re his girlfriend?”. To me this would indicate they had something going on and he wasnt aware of me. Then after that he started moving forwards toward her and she pushed him away, another indicator to me. I asked why would she push him and she said she thought he was gonna charge at me. She sat down with him after and told him you dont have to say anything. So I left after this and we talked on the phone and I told her I would drop this until she calms down and is ready to talk about it.

The last few years of our relationship have been kind of distant due to some problems we’ve had early on and never dealt with. Regardless of all of this, its still pretty clear that she does not want to lose me and gets absolutely hysterical anytime it looks like I want to break up. After all this happened I suggested that we take time off and she completely broke down and couldnt stop crying. I’m absolutely in love with this girl and always envisioned spending the rest of my life with her.

To me it seems pretty clear that something was going on between them and I cant just forget about it. I need to find out the truth so that I can move on but she is sticking to her story and not giving me any kind of proof (if I was in her shoes I know that I would want to clear this up and look for ways to do so). She’s worried if she presses him for any of the information that I am requesting that he might file a harassment suit with HR and that she might lose her career over it (she is doing very well for herself). The whole legal contract thing seems absolutely ridiculous to me, just a way out for them both.

My gut feeling is obviously that there’s something going on and I know the old saying, but I really cant leave her unless I know the absolute truth. She really is everything I ever wanted in a girl, I absolutely love her and she’s always on my mind.

What can I do at this point to get the truth that I need so I can decide what to do with this relationship? (besides counseling 🙂 )

[tre1090]

To be honest, the only people who know the truth is her and the other guy from work. The only way that you will ever know the full truth is if she is willing to tell it to you. I would tell her how much it really bothers you. If you think you can handle the full truth and move forward in the relationship knowing the truth, then tell her that. But also explain to her that it’s going to be very difficult for you to continue in the relationship if she isn’t being completely honest. Plus, you wouldn’t want to keep building the relationship on a possible lie. Kind of a sticky situation. I’m sorry you’re in it and wish there was more advice I could give.

[Ask April Masini]

You’ve gone off the deep end. 😳

You say you’re in love with this girl — and then you demand her passport? You show up at her office? You threaten a work colleague with going to his wife? And you threaten her livelihood by saying you’ll go to her boss to find out what’s really going on? 😕 This is crazy behavior on your part.

Since your gut instinct is that there is something between your girlfriend and this other man, and you say she has fear issues that prevent her from being truthful, and you’re going to extreme measures to try and unearth what you think is the truth, this is a bad relationship for both of you.

You can do better for yourself with someone else. I know that nine years is a long time to be with someone and then break up with them, but this isn’t a good situation. You need to reexamine why you think she is “everything you want in a girl” and yet when you’re with her, you’re not your best self. In fact, your behavior is a little crazy.

Move on, and figure out what a TRULY compatible girlfriend is like because the one you have isn’t.

I’m sorry this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but there are too many red lights in this relationship for you to proceed further.

[LiveNloveLife]

I absolutely agree with you that I went off the deep end. It’s the first time in our 9 year relationship that I have done anything close to like this or even question her honesty. I actually recognized this myself before you even told me and have already discussed it with my girlfriend a couple weeks ago and apologized for the stupid crazy way I handled the situation.

I am battling depression and major anxiety issues lately before this happened and the timing of this just couldn’t have been any worse 🙁 I was acting out of my normal character and that bothers me a lot. When this happened I just felt like my whole world, everything I ever dreamed for us came crashing to an end. I disagree though, other than during this last situation that happened, I am without a doubt at my best self when I am with her, I’m on top of the world when I’m with her, she’s all I need in this life to make me happy.

Now that things have calmed down a bit and my depression and anxiety have let up a bit I see things a little differently. I feel like I want to forget the whole thing that happened and work on ourselves and our relationship instead.

We both think that we’re perfect for each other, we both think that we have something really special that is hard to find in other relationships, we just connect so well, and we both consider each as best friends (even though we both have many friends) We have said this to each other many times. We argued maybe 5 times in our 9 years and none of them were even serious, usually over stupid things, and all were resolved quickly.

I was just so hurt by her lies because I never ever questioned her honesty before and thought she was my one person I could absolutely trust with anything. Coupled with my depression and anxiety it just absolutely crushed me because we’ve never lied to each other before and that was just so special to me. But taking a step back now I can understand how her fear issues could have driven her to lie to me and am willing to do anything to help her with this. There is one more issue in our relationship that is more serious than the rest and that is her health. She has some major health issues which I think led her to develop her fears. She thinks she will die in the next few years and that just breaks my heart. Her health is a big reason for my depression and anxiety, I just feel so helpless and want to make it all better for her. I want to do anything to help her with her health issues and her fear issues.

I love this girl so much I want to do anything to make this work. I have already spotted things in my life that need to be changed and am starting to work on them. She has started seeing a psychiatrist for her fear/lack of confidence issues and I will be doing the same. Prior to this I was planning on proposing to her this summer at our 10 year anniversary as I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I really want to fight for this relationship, I cant possibly give up this easy.

[Ask April Masini]

I guess the question left is what triggered your recent and unusual bout with depression and anxiety. If that is really the reason why you acted so crazy, then what brought those two things on in your life? Getting to the bottom of that problem may help you understand more about your role in this recent incident. Whether or not your girlfriend changes her own behavior that causes her to lie is up to her, but you can always address and modify your own behavior, and that is what I’d advise for you.

If you can work these problems out, and really find a way to put a lid on your extreme behavior, then a summer proposal may be really terrific.

I wish you luck.

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