[sad0118]

Hi April,

I have been married for 13 years and my husband has been very faithful throughout the years. We have 2 wonderful boys and things have been a little stressful lately. I recently had a hysterectomy and I have been a little down lately. To make a long story short, last week I found out that he went out with another woman to dinner and I am really hurt about it. I found out by him dialing my number by accident and I listened to their conversation wich was not a good one for me to hear. He now feels badly and wants me to forgive him, but i can’t get past this. I am seriously considering divorcing him. I am so crushed that he did that. When I asked him what his reason for doing so was, he told me that I have been in a bad mood a lot lately and he just wasn’t thinking. Do you think I am over reacting by wanting a divorce? he also mentioned that he is not happy anymore because I’m so upset all the time but still he doesn’t want me to file for divorce.

I get upset because he doesn’t appreciate me. He doesn’t show me any affection until its time for sex or if I get upset with him. He is the reason why I’m so upset all the time. What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

You have a tough problem on your hands. That said, for the sake of your two minor children, I think you should try to work on your marriage before you consider divorce. The truth is that some of these problems you’re having in your marriage may follow you into other relationships, so while you’re hurt and unhappy, it may be better for you in the long run to roll up your sleeves and take a look at what’s really going on here, and what your responsibility is in it.

Your husband made a giant mistake by taking another woman out to dinner because he was unhappy with your behavior. The question to him is is he willing to honor your marriage and the monogamy within it from here on in? If he isn’t, your marriage is doomed, but if he is, then you have a good shot at working things out.

Assuming he is, you have to understand that if you both keep blaming each other for your own unhappiness, you’re going to get nowhere. 😳 You have to step up to the plate and take the high road by assuming responsibility for your part in your relationship issues, and decide to change your own behavior. For instance, if you feel that he’s not affectionate enough with you, consider changing your behavior to be more affectionate with him. All he may need is a little jump start and guidance to start showing you affection.

You don’t have to be fake about it, but you do have to make an effort. You can tell him you miss him and the way he used to touch you, and then start being more affectionate to him. I know this may seem distasteful to you right now because you’re stuck in a rut where you’re both in opposite corners blaming each other, but unless you take the first step out of that rut, you’ll never get anywhere — in any relationship.

Be sexier and be more affectionate towards him. Offer him romantic dinners — WITH YOU! If you’re depressed post surgery, see your doctor to make sure everything is on track, and then start doing things for yourself that will make you feel better about your own life. Exercise is a great way to get the endorphins flowing, and a new haircut or a manicure and pedicure doesn’t hurt. 😉

If he’s at all right that you’re upset all the time, (and you don’t seem to be denying your upset, only blaming him for the situation), then you need to start making your own life more cheerful and start appreciating him and your marriage, rather than looking for a way out of it.

Yes, he did a stupid thing, but the problem is not the dinner he had with the other woman. The problem is the dynamic in your marriage. If you address that, and try some of these pieces of advice, you may find that you’re happier; he’s happier; your marriage is back on track, and the problems become a distant past, and not your present or your future.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[sad0118]

April, this sounds reasonable. I will start working on your recommendation little by little and I will surely let you know how things turns out. Thanks a million for your help 💡

[Ask April Masini]

You bet! I’m glad I could help — let me know how things go. 🙂

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