[Mini612]

My wife had always threatening divorced throughout our relationship until 9/24 when she actually ran away. She said she wants to find herself and be alone. NOTE: we are currently together at this time and she said she wants to work things out. She said she wants to be alone but I found out that she was actually seeing someone else, her martial art instructor, 22 years old. I found out that she called him the day she left me, even though she said that they started talking way after she left me. At that time, we were still living with eachother. I confront her 10/15, she lied but eventually told me the truth that she likes him but she continues to lie about connecting with him. she blamed him for pursuing her but according to her tex messages, she was trying to get with him, it’s sad to see the sweet text messages that my wife was texting him. On Oct. 19th, she apologized and we decided to try to work things out. My wife said she is sorry about what happened and that it’s my fault for her cheating. She also said it wasn’t really cheating because we were getting a divorced. She continues to be secretive with her phone, changing her FB password frequently. She is also always on her phone. I am so confused and anxious what she said, “I cannot promise you that I will not leave, or anything.” Defriend me on FB etc… She gets irritated with me and our children most of the times. She tells me she loves me a lot, we still have sex, hold hands, sleep in the same bed, date and she writes me loves letters. Does this mean she’s not committed and will cheat again?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You have a blended family with 5 kids — ages 12, 9 and 9, 3 and 2, and a seven-year marriage that seems to be crumbling because your wife is unhappy. It doesn’t sound like her affair is true love. It sounds more like either a cry for help, or an escape valve because she feels trapped. Blended families are very tough because there are so many relationship dynamics at play simultaneously. In addition, having the two toddlers who are probably not yet in school, mean that there’s a lot of parental and familial responsibility going on.

It’s very easy to point fingers here, but it’s not productive. You need to roll up your sleeves and focus on what’s really happening with her and the marriage and the family. Rarely does behavior like hers happen in a vacuum. So, find out where the marriage isn’t working and decide what you and the two of you can and want to do to make changes. You haven’t really talked about why she wants to leave and what her life is like, so I’m having to guess. But that’s not nearly as good as you being brutally honest about whether she’s someone who never commits long-term, or the two of you have grown apart, or she’s exhausted from being a primary caregiver to all the kids — I’m not sure, so feel free to fill me in. Better, fill yourself and her in, so you can alleviate some of the issues in the marriage that are causing you both duress.

If, however, she’s dead set on leaving, or you become dead set on throwing in the towel, then the fact that it takes two to make a relationship work, and one to end it, will come into play.

[Sally]

The way she’s acting right now isn’t what commitment looks like. When someone cheats, lies, blames you, hides their phone, changes passwords, and tells you they “can’t promise they won’t leave,” that isn’t rebuilding. That’s keeping you close enough for comfort, but far enough not to feel guilty.

The sweet moments the hand-holding, the sex, the love letters those are real, but they don’t cancel out the rest. People can love you and still not choose you. They can love you and still betray you. It’s the hardest truth to accept.

What she’s showing right now is that she wants the home, the safety, the family… but she also wants the attention and excitement from the other guy. And as long as she can blame you for her choices, she won’t take responsibility or change.

You’re not crazy for feeling anxious. Your body knows something your hope doesn’t want to face.
You can’t make her stay. You can only watch what she does not what she says. And right now, her actions are telling you she’s not fully here.

Take a breath. Get calm. Figure out what you need to feel safe and respected. Because you deserve more than waiting around to see if someone breaks your heart again.

[Tara]

She found a 22-year-old distraction and used him as an escape hatch while keeping you on standby as the emotional backup generator. She’s not torn, she’s juggling. And you’re letting her.

She threatened divorce repeatedly because she was already halfway out. She ran off because she knew she had somewhere soft to land. She lied because she didn’t respect you enough to bother telling the truth. And she blamed you for her cheating because she knows you’ll swallow it if it means she won’t walk out the door again. That’s not accountability, that’s manipulation.

Her behavior now? Textbook: “I’m still attached to someone else while stringing my spouse along.” Secretive phone, password changing, defensive irritation, detached parenting, breadcrumb affection, empty apologies, love letters to keep you calm, sex to keep you hopeful, and a very clear warning: “I cannot promise you I will not leave.” That’s not a partner trying to repair a marriage; that’s someone keeping their options wide open while you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be enough.

She’s not committed. She’s not rebuilding. She’s not remorseful. She is managing you. She is maintaining the benefits of being married while acting single. And yes, she will cheat again — not because she’s evil, but because you’ve shown her she can burn the house down and you’ll still hand her the matches.

You want clarity? Here it is: your wife is already one foot out, and the only reason she hasn’t taken the second step is that keeping you around makes her life easier. Stop asking if she’s committed and start asking why you’re accepting this circus as marriage. You deserve a partner, not a liability. Stop letting her dictate your worth. Fix yourself, set boundaries, and decide whether you want a life or just a lifetime of excuses.

[Miguel]

It could be that way based on her behavior. As much as possible, don’t enable or tolerate that kind of behavior.
Give her an ultimatum that if she doesn’t change, it may be better for you to separate. You also need reassurance in your relationship, especially since you have children together.

[Member]

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