[Yeparooster]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. Two years ago, his down-on-his-luck friend just got divorced and needed a place to stay to get back on his feet. He asked me what I thought about him staying with us. It is not my house and they have a very longtime friendship, so I said it would be fine. For the next year, he was here full time and it was trying on our relationship to say the least. It has been more than clear during that time that this “friend” was back on his feet but made no attempt to find another place to live. He and I never really spoke to one another. The following year, he was transferred by the job he had gotten once he moved here to another location –two hours away. He was even given employee paid housing. I thought, “great, this ordeal is finally over.” However, he drives two hours from his employment to spend his days off at our house every single week. I put up with it for another six months or so (so 1 1/2 years now) before I finally said to my boyfriend that this was getting to be ridiculous. My boyfriend agreed, after a blow-up fight, to tell him not to come here anymore, but a mere six weeks later, he’s back again. I will add, I have made it abundantly clear that I have no issue with the two of them seeing each other or being friends, only with the fact that he is still living here. When I say it from my end, it seems rationale, but when I bring it up to my boyfriend, which is very rare because it is always a huge fight, I feel like I’m crazy and making something out of nothing. I don’t want to be the third wheel anymore. I want to be comfortable and at peace in my own house.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What’s missing here are boundaries. I hear you saying you’re fine with this friend — in small doses, and not if he’s living with you. That’s entirely reasonable. However, because this has been going on for two years now, and you and your boyfriend fight about it, it sounds like your boyfriend wants this guy living with you — or staying with you as if he’s related to you and it’s his house, too. The issue is between you and your boyfriend.

Try asking your boyfriend if he’s willing to have a standing Saturday 9-4 “date” with his friend, and that the rest of the week is off limits for the friend. Or ask him if he’d make a standing Tuesday and Thursday night hang out with the friend, but that the rest of the week is off limits to the friend. Explain that you love the friend, but you really want to feel like your house is your house and that you’d like to be able to know that you have peace and quiet for at least five out of seven days of the week. These are just suggestions — you can come up with your own schedule that you want to propose. The idea you want to convey is that the friend is welcome — on certain days only — because you want a peaceful, private home.

If your boyfriend won’t give you at least some of what you’re asking for, you have to ask yourself why. Is the friend keeping your boyfriend from feeling like the relationship the boyfriend has with you, is too serious? Sometimes guys keep their buddies around to keep a romantic relationship from getting too grown up and serious. Or does your boyfriend not see the two of you living together as a commitment, as you do, and more of a roommate situation, so that your desire to have the friend visits limited seem out of line?

Let me know if that works for you.

[Yeparooster]

I want to thank you for taking the time to respond. Everything you suggested really makes sense, particularly one point that, in all this time, was something I had never thought of and is something that I need to ask myself. Is he wanting this friend around to keep the relationship from getting too serious, perhaps even without realizing that’s the reason why. It could very well be intentional, too, but either way, that is a valid question. I think that may need to be the next conversation that we have because ultimately I don’t think it’s fair to the friend either to use him as a pawn, if you will, to keep my boyfriend and I from having a closer relationship. It is something to think about either way. Thank you again for the fresh perspective.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂 Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Member]

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