[dogsandcats]

I have been dating a 47 year old twice divorced father of 3. He’s very successful and we’ve been together for about 8 months now.

We moved through our relationship very fast. He lives about 3 hours away. He wanted me to quit my career as a local news anchor – and move to his city and find work there. But, it isn’t that easy in my profession. I also have a 9 year old son and he lives primarily with his dad/my ex. My ex husband works from home and he does not want our son to move. And he started a strong legal fight right away.

Anyway, my therapist believes my BF is a sociopath. He’s a surgeon and he certainly shows signs from time to time. That includes screaming and threatening my ex husband telling him he will “fu** him up – if he tries to fight us in court…” My ex husband is a good father and does not deserve that.

Well, I have fought like CRAZY with this man as of late because he keeps begging me to quit my job and I promise I will — and I haven’t done so. I have planned to quit and then we get into another fight and the instability sends me right back to work. I just get so scared. And now he thinks I’m a liar because I keep promising and I don’t follow through.

The issues I have surround his jealousy and my son. He does not like me visiting my son’s hometown very often. He thinks once a week and every other weekend is more than enough. And he has already said that he doesn’t want to end up paying my son’s insurance and child support – but he still tells me to quit my job ASAP. It just doesn’t make any sense because I have a lot of legal bills and while he does well – he’s not a millionaire.

Anyway, here’s where I see the problems come up. He is so great half the time — we love each other’s company and have an amazing connection. But, he has a huge temper. He will grab my phone and look through my text messages and emails. This is the result of him going through my phone when we were 3 months into the relationship and he found flirtatious texts I exchanged with an old friend. The guy was flirtatious — I was not responding poorly – but I didn’t shut it down. That was my fault and because of it I told him he could monitor my phone and I even agreed to having him track my iphone with location.
He also wants to be involved in my legal fight with my ex over my son – he says he needs to be because he will ultimately have to pay my bills.

Now, I have caused a lot of his jealousy because I have sometimes hidden emails from my ex etc because I don’t want the fight. And that just leaves him saying that “something is weird…” between my relationship with him.

So, 1) he has a location tracker on my phone. I agreed to share location because I had nothing to hide despite his accusations I was cheating. But, he will freak out and accuse me of cheating if he can’t reach me asap. He will call the business that he sees on the map to see if he can identify what I’m doing.

2) He is unstable in the morning when he gets up to go to work. Mainly, because I tested him a few times when he left for the hospital (he’s a surgeon)… I told him that I would not go to my son’s hometown without him (because of his jealousy fears)

Well, one morning – after I agreed to quit my job….I found out my son had the flu and I took off while my BF was in surgery. He freaked out when he saw me on the highway on his location tracker and demanded I come back. I didn’t. I told him I wanted to go alone. He accused me of cheating etc. Cut off my access to money and started telling me he was done with me. He eventually said the relationship was over in hundreds of horrible text messages and when I said FINE – send me my things — he shipped them C O D — knowing I had ZERO money.

We obviously got back together after he apologized and said he couldn’t live without me. I do love him and I went back.

But, now we are in a bad cycle. He wants me to “surrender” and quit my job for good. When I get up in the morning and prepare to go back to work he melts down. The other day he started crying – -and vomiting and screaming that he didn’t want me to leave.

He had a dozen patients waiting for him and he didn’t even go. He said he couldn’t. Then, the next day – he performed surgery and took a break in the middle to CALL me to see if I was leaving.

I am seeing his instability, but something keeps me with him. Then last night, he asked me if I was TRULY quitting my job this week. I told him I was – but that I wanted him to realize that my quitting and moving with him (per his begging/request) without a job yet — is the equivalent of a marriage commitment for me. I told him I needed him to be THAT SURE about me – because I need to know that he won’t kick me to the curb and leave me unemployed and homeless again. He said that he can’t marry me until he can be sure that we can “get along” and that I’m not running to my see my son every other day — and leaving him alone. I blew up and said you want me to quit my 15 year career and you will “See if we can get along…”

He also says he can only “allow me or tolerate” me seeing my kids twice a week. He says he needs to watch for awhile to make sure that I can control my “urges” to see my kids every day….

I am considering begging to get my job back. He says that IF I do that – we will have to take a step back in our relationship because he can’t do this long distance anymore.

He will not put anything in writing — including his promises of providing me healthcare. I’ve asked — he will not sign a single thing.

Part of me still wants to be with him — but quit my job? Be away from my son? What do I do?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

This isn’t a crisis. This is [i]you[/i] acting crazy. You’re a single mother with a good job and a good ex-husband who co-parents. Why on earth would you quit your job or subject yourself and your son and your son’s father to this kind of behavior from a boyfriend? And what possessed you to put a phone tracker on your phone? The minute you find yourself doing this type of thing, you’ve crossed a line from healthy to unhealthy. It’s super easy to blame him, and have your shrink who’s never met him diagnose him, but the real question is who have you become? Look in the mirror and ask yourself who you want to be, what kind of mother, what kind of ex-wife and what kind of future wife — and then realize that with this guy you can’t be good at any of those things.

This isn’t about him. It’s about you. 😉 Clearly you need to move on. I hope you’ll do so. This isn’t just about you — it’s about your son. He needs you to be healthy and provide good role models in his life. This current boyfriend isn’t one.

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[dogsandcats]

Thanks, April.

This is true. I have realized I essentially live in my car. He wants me to live with him (3 hours from my son and my work) and since I haven’t been able to fully commit — I have commuted daily. 6 hours!

My car is a disaster. I look a wreck. I’m exhausted. And if I don’t travel there — HE TRAVELS to ME!

He works fewer hours than I do — and he tells me that’s his proof that he loves me SO much that he just can’t live without me.

I think what I need to ask — does his behavior sound abusive?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I don’t think he’s abusive. I think that he wants you to quit your job and move closer to him. I think he’s very angry about having to pay your legal bills in a custody case and he’s trying to back down your ex-husband from filing, and he’s being crass and loud about it. I think he wants you to put him first, ahead of your son. And he wants to keep tabs on you to an extreme degree. [i]But he’s being up front about all of this.[/i] You can disagree with him, or not like what he wants, or even decide you’re not going to do it, but he’s not forcing you into anything. You’re an adult and you get to make choices in your life. 😉 You’re not a victim here. 🙂

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[dogsandcats]

The problem that I have is that I love him – and a huge part of me wants to remain with him.

I want to “surrender” to him, but something in me tells me that I need to hold back.

I will also mention that he has hired private investigators to follow me and my 9 year old – to make sure I’m not with anyone else.

He also has rages and I’m not used to someone getting so angry- and when he first heard me arguing with my ex husband on the phone he grabbed the phone from my ear and told my ex that he was going to “fu*k him up” if he kept calling me.

The other thing he did was tell my lawyer and my ex that we were engaged. (we weren’t). I am a news anchor and word got out and it got on talk radio that I was engaged. When I told my BF about this – he told me that “people get un-engaged all the time – it was no big deal.”

Then, the night before we were supposed to go on a very $$$ planned ski trip (where he was supposed to propose apparently) – My lawyer told me my ex was potentially calling an emergency custody hearing because of my BF’s Private eyes around my son. I told my BF I couldn’t go because I had to attned this hearing. He told me if I didn’t come – he was done with me.

He said that my lawyer could handle it — we got back together again that week — but then he started calling me in the middle of the night demanding I use facetime to prove no one was in my bed with me.

And then, I had to call the police recently because I got scared when he got jealous of a text message he found on my phone. He was livid and I was worried he was going to come unglued. The cops came and I told them I was fine. But, my BF told me that if they showed up that he was going to tell them that I broke into the house. I told them that I did not break in – and that I was told if I called them — my BF was going to claim that.

They arrested my BF for interfering with a 911 call. They hauled him off to jail and my BF nearly broke up with me. The only way we got back together is that he asked to hire me an attorney to represent me and that “I” would claim I made a false statement — and that would clear HIS record. and I wouldn’t get in trouble either. So, I haven’t done this yet — but I’m considering it. I don’t want him to lose his medical license – even though I did not lie.

What do you think?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I think that if you stay with your boyfriend, you will eventually lose custody of your son because you’re making decisions that are putting him in unstable and unnecessary situations. 😳 A court is not going to be thrilled learning that your parental judgment includes dating a guy who’s having your son followed by private investigators, or that he’s threatened your ex-husband, etc. 😳 When you date as a single parent, your child has to come first. If you can’t do that, then consider that maybe, subconsciously, you don’t really want custody of your son, and that this is your way of creating a losing custody battle. If that’s true, for your child’s sake, consider giving your ex-husband full custody of the boy so he’s got a stable and healthy life.

You’re making some very irresponsible decisions, including considering committing perjury, now. It sounds like there’s something going on with you that runs deeper than this relationship. 🙁

I hope that helps.

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[dogsandcats]

Sorry to post under another name – could not remember my ID or log in. Your linked reminded me of the username.

Sorry to be back here with another question 😯

Here’s my question.

I am struggling BIG time with a man I love very deeply. I’m going to keep this as short as I can.
We just got engaged — about a month ago. He expected me to move to him — about 3 hours away from my place of work and my 9 year old son.
Because I am the “man” in my previous relationship — my ex maintained primary custody because he doesn’t work nearly as much as I do. I have been the breadwinner.
My fiancé is well off and doesn’t NEED me to work — and he wants me to just quit without a job and move to be with him — and drive back and forth every other weekend and once during the week to see my son. Which is about what I see him even while living in his town – because I work so much.

Anyway, my fiancé is very bitter over my ex and the child support I have to pay. He has begged me to quit like I said without a job — but he also tells me that he can’t guarantee that we can cover hotel expenses to see my son. He said I would need to stay with friends etc – if times got tough.

I told him that I felt that I should keep working until I found a new job in his town — just to make sure I always can cover my bills. He was NOT okay. He says I don’t trust him.

well, one time a few months ago he got angry at me for wanting to stay overnight after work in my son’s hometown — instead of driving back to his house. I wanted to stay in a hotel. He was so mad that he cut off my access to money. He said he THOUGHT I had a credit card. I didn’t. I had no place to sleep because I didn’t even have gas money to get back to his house at that point. Well, I tried calling him and he wouldn’t answer. His daughter couldn’t even reach him. So, I had to stay at my ex husband’s house – who was kind enough to allow me to sleep with my son.

My fiancé blew up and sais I should have NEVER stayed there. And he insinuated I was a cheater. I say this – because this is the basis of my lack of trust. When I remind him of the fact that he cut me off – he freaks out and says that I just don’t trust and I should have never gotten engaged.

Well, last night he became VERY angry that I wanted to continue to work at my job 3 hours away. I have been doing a DAILY commute of 6 hours – to live at his house and work – because he worries that I will cheat or something. I have done this to make him feel secure. I’m super exhausted.

So he doesn’t want that to continue either – but I don’t know if I should trust him when I have no money and no job?? He says I can — but what if he decides that he cuts me off over some strange argument?

He tells me that I am acting like a victim and that I will just need to control my impulses to drive to see my son too many times a week.

So — my last day at work COULD BE tomorrow — unless I beg to stay on longer — I do NOT want to leave this man — I love him — but I admit that I’m worried about trusting him.

I asked him last night to put it in writing that he would always pay my child support until I get a job and he refused. He said that I am acting insane for asking something like that… What do you think?

In the past, you mentioned I should leave and put my son first. SInce that advice things really calmed down and he’s been great With my son.

But, even when I get so angry and hurt — I somehow lack the strong will to leave him. Is there something wrong with me? I wonder what my problem is —

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

This is very simple. 😉 You’re engaged to a man who does not love you. He doesn’t want you to do what’s right for your son or yourself. This isn’t love. As for something being wrong with you…. the big problem is that you don’t know what real love looks like. When you meet someone who wants the best for you, that’s when you’ll know you’ve found Mr. Right. This guy doesn’t want the best for you. That’s why he is Mr. Wrong. Things may “calm down”, but from everything you’ve written, he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t respect your son or his father. That’s why staying with him isn’t right for you or your son.

The answer to your question, what should you do, is very clear. You should give him back the ring, keep your job, be a great mom and find someone better. 😉

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