[shott3dg]

Ok so here’s the deal: 3 months ago I was out one night and met this really great guy. I gave him my number and we went on a date a couple days later. After talking to him I found out that he was just 2 weeks out of a 3 year long relationship, yet here he was talking to me as if he was fine. Stupidly, I assumed that that meant he was fine. Over the past 3 months we dated, seeing each other a couple of times a week and loving every minute of it because we became good friends too throughout everything. Things seemed serious so about a week ago I decided to ask him what we were. At first he said he liked the stage we were at and just needed some time before getting into another serious relationship yet, totally understandable, so I said I’d give him time. It was just a couple days later that he changed his mind. After our talk he came to realize that while he’s over his ex, he’s still not over what she did to him (dumping him with no reason at all) and it kind of messed him up. Being around me the past few months just slowed down that realization. During this talk we talked about a lot of things. He didn’t want to end things with me because he likes me but he realized that it wasn’t fair to me either when he was so confused about his feelings. He said that he still needs time to get past everything and I support that no matter how much it sucks for me. While he said that he didn’t want me to wait for him, there were hints of him saying “maybe I just need time” and “You never know what could happen after a month.” As if he thought that things might change. We ended things on fairly good terms, deciding to remain friends (to some degree) because we honestly enjoy talking to each other and value each other’s opinions. Am I crazy to think that I should wait and see what happens or should I cut ties now and forget about the possibility of us ever being together? I don’t want to give up such a good friend but I also don’t know if I can be around if he decides he’s ready to date again and the person he chooses isn’t me.

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, there are a couple of lessons to be learned from what happened, and I think they’re valuable enough to take a minute and focus on them. First of all, instead of giving a guy your number, wait for him to ask for it. This may seem like a small difference, but it’s not. Here’s why: If he’s on the rebound, and a pretty woman gives him her phone number, of course he’s going to take it. But it’s not the same thing as him seeing a pretty woman and saying to himself, I want to date her, and I’m going to make it happen. I’m going to get her number. Do you see the difference? It’s very easy for him to take your number, and it’s almost harder not to take it than it is to take it. But… it’s a lot more difficult for him to get your number, and by doing so, he’s showing you a commitment to dating you.

Second, if on the first date you learn that he’s only 2 weeks out of a 3 year relationship, KNOW that you’re a rebound. That’s not the end of the road. Rebounds can be great, and occasionally, they can become the great loves of your lives, but more often than not, they’re short lived ways to get past the break up.

Third, it was a mistake to have “the talk” where you asked him the status of the relationship, at the three month mark. At three months, you should know where you are, and usually when you instigate “the talk” it’s because you don’t like where you are. That’s different than not knowing where you are. I think that that “talk” put pressure on him that he didn’t want and the relationship became a reminder to him that you weren’t getting what you wanted because he wasn’t sure he wanted to give it to you. So he backed away from it.

So, now…. you’ve broken up, and your question seems to be whether you should hold out hope that he’ll come around. My advice is that the best way to know the answer to that question is for you to move on and play the field. If he misses you enough to rethink the relationship and come back to you, wanting to date again, then you’ll have your answer and a happy heart. And if he doesn’t come back after you, you’ll know that he’s not that interested. But if you don’t move on, you won’t give him that opportunity.

I know it’s scary to let go and move on because you’re probably thinking that by doing so, you’re doing so for good. But if you put yourself in the friend zone, you’re going to be miserable and the “what do I do now” is going to reverberate hundreds of times a day. So find your courage, focus on your future, and move on. If he’s the one, he’ll miss you and try to date you — and if he’s not, you’ve done the right thing for yourself.

[shott3dg]

In replying to each of your point, number one, I meant that I gave him my number when he asked for it that night so there is that. Number two, you’re right, I knew it but I chose to ignore it. And third, I knew that the talk was a tricky situation but I was in this weird state of limbo and needed to figure out what was going on. I was happy with where we were so maybe I should have let it go but then again maybe I would have been hurt more a month from now when he realized things on his own. I really appreciate the advice because it is an opinion that I needed to hear. Because although you are telling me not to wait around, you aren’t exactly saying “There’s no chance in hell that’s ever gonna happen now” which is one of the responses I’ve gotten from other people. I will keep my options open and accept advances from other guys because I know that that’s what is best for me. But I’m still stuck in this friend situation and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m sure with time I will be able to move on completely but for now, I’m just forcing myself through every conversation.

[AskApril Masini]

Everybody has their own personal timeline of when they’re ready to let go and move on. There’s no rule, and you have to do what’s right for you — but you should let your feelings guide your decisions. 🙂 And if you’re uncomfortable in the friend zone, that’s because you don’t belong there. 😉 The two of you are not true friends. You dated and slid into the friend zone as a way to stay in his life — it’s painful to break up and move on, and lots of people do this, but it doesn’t really alleviate the pain. The problem is that you’re not a true friend who wants to hear about a great date he had with a hot woman he met — because you’re still interested. And I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear about the great guy you had a second date with, either — because it will sting. Sometimes pulling the bandaid off quickly hurts in the moment, but it’s better than a long, slow pain that is less hurtful in the moment, but creates a longer discomfort. When you’re ready to move on, you’ll have a lot more peace of mind as an ex who still has feelings for him and would be open to dating, but not to being in the friend zone.

[AmandaLyles]

If I were u, I gave him some time, but u did it too! Then I communicated with him only like friends, no more, and looked for another guy! Because I am not sure that he will forget his ex at 100% and if sometime she comes back, he will leave u and they will be together!

[AskApril Masini]

How did things work out?

[Member]

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