[Anonymous]

Okay so first Im gonna warn you this is going to be long lol. so Im 25, newly divorced, and have a daughter whos five. I met this guy by accident at a coffee shop one afternoon, turns out we used to work together a while back. hes 32 no kids never married works from home.spent most that day texting till he came over to my friends house to hang out for a bit. the night went well we continued texting and hanging out till we saw each other almost everynight (about 3 weeks). He didnt really flirt with me at first and didnt seem interested but I liked him and atleast it was someone to hang out with watch movies talk about our ex’s etc. so the issues start when his “joking” text comments about sex and flirting, “fighting” (meant jokingly of course) me etc, turn into this completely cute tickle fight pon my couch. Since we had already spoke about relationships I was going by what he had said about not being interested in me and not wanting to date so when our mouths got close together I tried to push my self away, but he used his leg to push me back up and we kissed. He knew I wanted commitment and planned to get remarried had a daughter etc, we had told each other almost everything so I took this to mean he was comfortable with my expectations and had changed his mind about a relationship. after we kissed I said “so i guess you do like me?” he said “a little bit but Im not in the right head space for a relationship” then said I kissed him first. hmm okay….?
So this goes on for a bit, hot cold flashes backa nd forth, but everyday with the texting and visits (by this point its almost every day and at least 6-8 hrs a day) we hadnt had sex but the nights where we would flirt couddle make out got more frequent and the cold started to deminish. hed have out busts sometimes about me “wasting my time on him cause hes a douche and doesnt deserve friends no one likes him etc” but wed talk through them. by three months we were sleeping together cause it seemed like he was heading twords a relationship and had said he cared about my daughter and I but wasnt comfortable with a title. now because he was always around and did things for me ie:wash dishes, ask about my family and friends, gave me a dvd player, it didnt seem like a booty call. he started making random comments like “this is why ill never get married” or “this is why ill never breed” about other people or tv shows which of course hurt me, because he knows those things are important to me and it felt like an attack. when we had sex he would spend the night with me and then most the next day before going home to shower change clothing and come back to my house. He is in a band and where he is living he didnt have enough space to work on his music, so I offered my basement cause I wasnt using it anyway, it took 6 weeks to convince him to use it. he moved his stuff in and it seemed alright, things were going good, but we still werent a “couple”. so one night after sex I ask “you do evenually plan to date me right?” he says “well i like the idea im not ready and dont want anyone getting hurt” my rebutle “but thats the end goal for you or ?” “Id like to hope so one day”. so I left it. now another month past, friends are asking questions and telling me im wasting my time, being used. and in all honesty he doesnt bring up where hes at emotionaly or anything so maybe they are right? I decide to ask him, so I start out with “your not an idiot right?” ”
“what do you mean? that was random”
“like you do know people dont stay fuck buddies forever?”
“your probably right”
“so then what?”
“I dont know”
“You didnt think that far ahead did you?”
and so on, he ends up sugguesting we stop sleeping together cause that “seems the easiest thing to do” I ask about his desire to date at all and how he feels about me and he says “I dont waant to right now and I do like you a little” (again with this? whats that mena??) so I ask for clarification, he has none. I okay cause I take it to mean “you like me enough to fuck me but not enough to pursue anything serious” long pause, followed by him saying “that sounds aweful, I hope thats not what it means” so the day ends he goes home, Im busy most the day we have a text fight and he mentions hes sick and napping on my couch, so i ask why he doesnt go home to bed, and he says “iono” I get home and hes still on the couch, acting like he lives here, dishes out from dinner, and totaly comfortable. We just broke up as fuck buddies but you dont see a need to go home when your sick? I dont get it at all if you dont want a relationship, why act like were in one? please help!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not that into you. 😳 You’ve ignored his signals every step of the way, and you’re still doing it. He’s told you over and over again that he’s not that into you, and you keep trying to trick yourself into thinking he is. You’re wasting your time. 😳 Your friends are right. If you want to get married, find a guy who wants the same. 🙂

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[Anonymous]

But even after it had been ended, he still want to “be friends” and lays on my couch sick? Why waste that much time hanging out with me if he’s not interested?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not your friend because a friend would want better for you. He’s interested in having sex with you, and using your place as a crash pad or a practice studio. In fact, he’s counting on your having sex with him again, eventually, since you’ve got that as a precent. In other words, as your friends told you, (and I agree with them) he’s using you. But…. that’s because you’re going along with it. You can do better for yourself. 😉

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[Anonymous]

So based on the advice you gave I asked him to get his stuff out of my house and told him we couldnt be friends cause I wanted more which turned into a big discussion about how he always fucks up and hes a douche….? okay then :/ so Im like I dont know what you expect Im just sex to you and Im worth more than that. He goes on to explain hes fine with not having sex and its not that he doesnt care, just that hes not good with words thats why he fixes stuff, offeres to drive me around (even though I have a car), etc. Thats how he shows he cares. I told him that I get that his ex’s hurt him alot and hes broken but that it wasnt fair to me to be in a situation where I dont matter and what I want feels like a joke. He told me that wasnt even close to a fair assumption of the situation and that Im nis best friend and he cares about me alot and wants more but hes terrified because if I leave him its less painful to loose a best friend then someone you thought youd have forever with…. I told him I couldnt talk and was busy and Id get back later, and he sent a text saying “see this is why I said lets stop, because I didnt want you to get hurt cause I knew I was fucked up. Im so sorry sleeping with me makes you wanna burn your flesh off” 😮 so I totally tripped out and called him screaming saying “are you that fucking stupid? do you not see anything? I cant just sleep with you because I love you, you stupid bastard!” (lol not a moment of glory, and not completely faulse, Weve known each other 6 months now and spend every waking moment together. Id been fighting the love feeling for the second month of us sleeping together but it just came out) I hung up cause I felt so stupid for saying it and he called back to ask why I loved him. I said cause shit happens and Im an idiot thats why. he said he really didnt want to fuck things up and that he cared alot about me and that this was very important to him, he didnt understand why I would love him when hes been such an ass, hes just really scared and doesnt want to fuck anything up cause he couldnt stand to loose me. I told him wed talk later cause I didnt know what to say or think anymore and just needed some space. so now what?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you can do better for yourself than him. 😳 You’re a single mother, so if you’re going to date someone to re-marry, you have to find someone who’s not just going to be a great husband, but who’s going to be a great step-father, too. 😀 This guy is passive aggressive (his comment about how sleeping with him makes you want to burn your flesh off — what is that about? 🙄 ), and has some insecurity problems about calling himself derogatory names and being self-deprecating in a way that isn’t charming; it’s just plain creepy. You’ll be much happier with someone who is more confident and more clear about wanting you to be his girlfriend and possibly future wife — is going to be a much better match for you than this guy is. But as long as he’s in your life, it’s going to be difficult to feel single and to move on. 😳

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[Anonymous]

Fair enough! Thank you for the advice if I have more questions ill be sure to post again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😀

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