[lpalm68]

I have been married for 7 years and we have 2 children together-5 and 2. My husband is 17 years younger than me, he will be 30 next month and I am 46. I think it is safe to say I have always had some level of insecurity issues about my looks versus girls his age. I can say, however, that I have always trusted him 100%-until recently….and now doubts are coming about.

A couple of weeks ago, we were over at his friends house for a bbq. Normally it is just his friend and his girlfriend, and my husband and I and our children. This time though, another male friend of my husband and his friend was there, and a couple of girl friends of the girlfriend, and one of them had a boyfriend with her.

So I am normally DD and I am normally the one to watch our kids and keep them entertained, which is fine by me-I like when my husband gets to hang out with his friends. I will also say, that he and his friends drink A LOT when together, and this night was no exception.

This night however, my husband was very overly attentive to the one girl who’s boyfriend was there. Like seriously flirting and pretty much ignored me the entire night. It wasn’t until she left that my husband finally came over to where I was and I said it was time to leave.

He was pretty drunk so I left him alone, but I confronted him about it the next day and told him I was embarrassed that he would do that in front of me. My husband is a pretty selfish person, and he said that he was sorry and that he was just selfish and immature. It is hard for me to get over things, so I probably spent a good week being pissed off. He has never done anything remotely like that before.

So yesterday I was using his computer, and when I turned it on, skype popped up. He was talking to his friend (same guy) that he works with about a girl that they both work with. His friend said “damn she is sexy” and my husband replied “soooooo sexy, and shes lost weight from when I first started her. Chubbier version, I was like hmmm I could get that. Now its like, daaaamn out of my league but I would still give it a try”. I sent him a screen shot and he said that it is just guy talk, but to me if you are married you shouldn’t be saying stuff like that. I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Is this really how guys talk and I just stumbled across some meaningless chit chat? Am I being naive and he is just a cheater waiting to happen? I really love him, I feel like he really loves me. We have a great family, a great sex life. I am just feeling more insecure about myself, and now our relationship than I ever have. Any input would be appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like there are some things you can do to better position yourself in your marriage. For instance, if you’re at a party, don’t be the one who normally looks after your kids so your husband can socialize with his friends. This relegates you to babysitter, and makes him a guy socializing without his wife. Instead, get a babysitter to come with you and watch the kids, or don’t bring the kids. Get into the social scene so he’s not so single in it. From this one example you wrote about, it sounds like he liked the way he felt when he was flirting with this woman, knowing that, you can try to make him feel the same way. When guys cheat, it’s not because someone better comes along — it’s because they want to feel a certain way, and they don’t get that in their marriages. 😉

As for the guy talk on the screen, it’s understandable that you’d be hurt by seeing it — but I think it’s an opportunity for you to understand that he’s a visual person, who likes hot women. I’m guessing that after two kids and seven years of marriage, there are times when you don’t feel like that sexy, hot woman he’s talking about — but if you’d like to get back to being that way, it sounds like you’d have a very appreciative audience in him.

You haven’t really indicated that he’s a future cheater — but you have indicated that he’s looking to feel sexy and social and he’d probably love it if his friends admired you, too. Take the cue and go for it. 🙂

I hope that helps.

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