[I just don’t know]

Hi all,

I’m in my late 40’s with three kids still at home. I am in a 4 year relationship with a super guy who just hit the big 5-0. We have taken things slowly and, are “only” still dating, with moving in being a one day sort of scenario. Neither of us feels pressured and, we’re both content with this.

My bf has all the Great Guy Attributes – the usual laundry list of why we women think our men are fantastic: he always puts me first, is in total love with my kids, is caring, gentle, supportive, funny, etc.. He has never done anything to make me feel slighted in any way.

Still….I’m feeling less than content and have felt this way for the last six plus months. I can’t put my finger on it but I do suspect our less than stellar bedroom activities have something to do with it. He is very attentive to me (ladies first and all that) but he himself, seems to have an issue finishing what he started (I don’t want to be rude…). We’ve talked about it and, this seems to be a longstanding issue for him, one that has been cited by other ladies in his life. He always has a reason for not being able to finish: too stressed, too tipsy, too tired, out of breath, etc.. He says he’s even spoken to his dr. about it, who has told him to simply take things slow and it’ll all be fine. Just the same, it’s getting harder for me to accept these reasons, despite the fact he always makes sure I’m taken care of. I guess I’m doing a slow burn in this department. I am trying so hard to be patient in this area and, have never pressured him but inside, this is killing me.

Overall though, I feel like the blush is off the rose and don’t know if this is simply a case of a “phase” I’m going through or perhaps, a seven year itch type thing come early. Small things are beginning to rub me the wrong way, even things that should be pleasant, like when he tries to give me a little feel in passing, snuggling in the early morning, etc..

Over the holidays, my kids all opted to hang around close to home and, we had the opportunity to do a lot of things together we don’t get to do during the school year when things are crazy. I have to admit, I was somewhat relieved that my bf agreed to cover at work for someone who wanted last minute holidays, so the kids and I could be alone.

I feel so horrible about my mindset. And, I wish it were different, I truly do. I don’t necessarily want to cut him loose, as it seems the issue lies with me, not him.

Is this an age thing? Am I getting “strange” in my old age as I approach 50? Or, am I simply expected too bloody much from this guy who already does tons for me?

Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks so much for reading!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Four years is a long time for the two of you to be “just dating” at your age with kids in the picture, and it sounds like you may want more than a “just dating” status, but haven’t been clear about this with yourself. Now things that normally wouldn’t be a big deal are feeling like a big deal because you aren’t getting what you want from the relationship.

As for the problem with sex, you’re brushing your own needs under the carpet again. You’re very quick to mention that he takes care of you, sexually, but clearly, that’s not the case. You aren’t being satisfied in the bedroom because you want more than you’re getting, and you mention that although he’s gone to the doctor, this is a problem that pre-dates you, and he’s just not getting around to dealing with it in a way that works for you.

There’s a common theme running through these problems: You’re not getting what you want. Why you’re suddenly waking up now, may have to do with your age, or else you’ve just hit your limit. Not everybody has a gong go off when their line in the sand has been crossed. Sometimes it’s a quiet awakening.

It’s time for you to take inventory and decide what it is you want in your life, and if you’re going to get it with this man or not. If the answer is no, then you need to move on. He’s got a lot of wonderful attributes, but if you’re not compatible because you want marriage and he doesn’t (or still can’t commit after four years), or because he’s lazy in the bedroom or is okay with your sex life and you’re not, and he’s not going to do anything about it, there’s not enough there for you to stay.

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[I just don’t know]

Thank you so much for your sage advice. You are right, although I don’t like to admit it: I’m not getting what I want. Unfortunately, I think this is true on a few levels.

Our bedroom life is definitely not what I would like it to be nor is it what I am used to prior to meeting bf. I guess this is having a bigger impact that I’d like to acknowledge.

As for the commitment part though (re: moving in together or marrying), it’s been a question of circumstance. An important piece of information I failed to mention in my first post is that my bf and I do not live in the same town. I live in a city setting and, he lives in an outlying suburb. This hasn’t been a problem to this point and, we obviously knew what we were getting into prior to hooking up. We have always seen each other at least once a week (all weekend) in addition to usually getting together for dinner once a week. So, it is not a typical out-of-town relationship in that regard.

We’ve kept things as is for three reasons (or, what I thought was only three reasons prior to your response):

My kids are tied to their schools – one is in a specialized arts school , which would not be an option available if we moved outside the city; the other two (twins) being in a gifted program.

The second reason for not joining our two homes has been bf’s job in the suburb, which he has been at for over 27 years and, has all the related benefits and seniority. That would be a lot to expect someone to give up.

A third and important reason for the kids and I to stay put has been their amazing relationship with their dad. He and I have been divorced for many years but, he is the kindest, most involved father you’d ever like to see three kids have. They love their dad dearly and, as we live relatively close together, they are at his home frequently and, would miss this aspect of their life terribly if we were to move before they were legally adults and thus, more independent.

I don’t know: perhaps these are just excuses? They “seemed” like reasons to me….

But no, our sex life is simply not what I’d like it to be. In fact, I’ll admit that I’ve not initiated anything in quite some time. That said, I’ve never turned down his advances but, I don’t feel inspired to initiate anything intimate myself.

I appreciate that “a healthy sex life” includes many different things for many people….and, I know that my bf truly enjoys our sex life. He has said time and time again nothing makes him happier than being intimate with me and making me happy. That makes me even sadder to be feeling the way I feel about things.

Thank you again for reading and, I hope everyone out there has a great day today!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It really feels that you’re still not being completely honest with yourself. Women have a tendency to avoid conflict and try to make things work, but they are guilty of then waiting X number of years and suddenly saying, this isn’t working for me. That’s how they waste time — theirs, the guy’s, and sometimes family members’, too. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t have kids, or else doesn’t have young children, and so while you say you work in different towns, it feels like you’re making an excuse for the situation. Either your kids’ dad and the kids commute a little further or else your boyfriend commutes a little further — and that’s just one set of solutions. I’m sure you can come with more — if you want to.

If you want a long-term relationship with this man, that leads to marriage, you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Otherwise you’ll either waste time (yours, his and your children’s’ emotional attachment and investment time), or you’ll end up creating drama to get out of the situation because it will be easier than being frank.

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[I just don’t know]

Oh, do you have me pegged! I hate drama and conflict and, will avoid it at all costs…and as you say, often to my own and others’ dismay after the fact. Even as a kid, I always wanted to keep the peace.

You are correct, my bf does not have children of his own (although does maintain a casual relationship with grown step children he once had). I’m sure this is why he was so easily able to completely and totally fall in love with mine.

So. Time for some hard evaluation I guess. I suspect you’re right, that my reasons are actually excuses. The bloom is off the rose and, I’ve really got to decide what’s going to happen because I know in my heart, my bf is plugging along thinking everything is just fine….that’s not fair either.

Thank you so much for your feedback! VERY much appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 😀

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