[ChiK8]

Dear April,

I have been divorced for about three years, following ten+ year relationship. My ex and I are no longer in contact (there are no kids involved), and he moved out of state, so there are no occasions that we happen to bump into each other, and there has never, until now, been an issue of “whose friends are whose?” – because we just don’t overlap. The divorce has definitely been for the best in my life, but I still feel somewhat traumatized by it, and hate that I was unable to “fix” the relationship (although I left once I realized that was impossible).

While I was with my ex, we introduced a best friend of his (“Ben”) with a best friend of mine (“Sarah”), who hit it off and have been in a great relationship for about ten years themselves now. Post-Divorce, I’ve stayed close to both of this pair, and consider them some of my closest friends. We travel together and spend a fair amount of time together. Although I know Ben is still good friends with my ex, they see each other maybe once a year, and don’t talk a lot. (Being guys, this is just how they are.) So, even when I see Ben, it’s not something I think about. While I talk relationship details with Sarah (typical close girlfriends), I’ve never worried she’ll share these or somehow she’ll have any reason to think much about my ex other than the fact that he’s her man’s out-of-town friend. Sarah and I have also been regular travel companions, as we like to adventure around the world, and Ben and my ex don’t.

I recently learned that Ben and Sarah are now planning on taking a long weekend trip with my ex and his new partner. I feel a bit betrayed by the fact that I had to learn this second hand, but worse that my close friend is going to be hanging out with my ex!! and his new partner!! (Seeing him/them at a party would be one thing, but deliberately traveling with him/them – quite another, I think.) I also learned that, as a gift to Ben, Sarah is planning on paying for my ex to go on a “guys trip” with Ben (the other guys can and will pay for themselves, but my ex isn’t really the kind to have his act that together – yes, one of the reasons we are no longer together).

I feel betrayed by Sarah, first for her not telling me this stuff directly , but also because it seems that Ben and Sarah are becoming “couples friends” with this new pair. After three years, should I be able to just “get over this” and is it wrong of me to feel proprietary over my friendship with Sarah? Although I”m worried I’m being childish, I feel like it might be time to reprioritize my level of friendship with her, and cool down to “casual friends” – not the kind that share hotel rooms around the globe, but the kind that go to the same parties – and give her up as “lost in the divorce.” It feels petty not to trust her anymore, and I feel foolish for believing that there are “sides” – but, would I be unjust to give her up to the dark one? Should I say anything to her?

Thanks in advance!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good questions.

When you and a spouse divorce, there’s always the question of who gets the friends. It seems to be an unfair situation, since unlike real estate you can’t sell them and split the proceeds. Many friends of a divorced couple try to remain civilized friends with both divorced people in the wake of a divorce — but it rarely works out the way they hope. If they’re straight shooters and let you know what they’re doing, you get to make your own choices and everything is above board. But friendships rarely work that way in these cases. Your ex has a new girlfriend, and it makes a lot of sense that you feel betrayed by your friends spending time with them without you. Your instinct to “reprioritize” the friendship you have with Ben and Sarah is a good one. In fact… I’d suggest you downgrade it. It’s going to be a lot easier for you to move on with your life at this point, if you don’t wonder if your friends are gossiping about you and your new boyfriend, or a date that went sour — with your ex and his girlfriend. Trust your instincts, and accept that life after divorce is different that married life. Just because you had friends in the marriage, doesn’t mean they’re going to be your friends in the divorce — and that doesn’t have to carry judgment. It just has to be easy for you. 😉

At some point in your life you may feel differently, but for now, your discomfort is your guide that this isn’t the right thing for you. If it comes up in conversation, you can say something like, “I completely understand your wanting to be friendly with my ex and his girlfriend — I married the guy, so I get it — but I didn’t expect to feel so uncomfortable learning about your foursome friendship, and I hope you’ll understand that I need a little space to be divorced without sharing friends with my ex.” If you keep it upbeat, and clear, you’ll be taking care of yourself.

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[Ruthmcneal]

My case is also very similar to yours after getting divorced and also before that my ex tried to prove me in a mental state when i came to know about his affairs and also tried this in court due to which entire society seemed me to be mental but my thanks to my [url=https://www.leemeierlaw.com]divorce lawyer Alexandria, VA[/url] for his confidence in me to prove everyone wrong and to gain the divorce for me my friends also came back aftre hearing the shocking news.

[ChiK8]

Thanks, April! That is so helpful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

🙂

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