[angelx]

Hi April, I really need your help with this!

So I recently started working at a new place, and when I first started, I was partnered up with the other “new kid” – this really cute guy – and we worked together well in the beginning, got along well for the most part, there was some awkwardness (there’s bound to be), and sometimes, even a hint of flirting… Okay, fine it was just that one night when we flirted, and though he was always nice to me, he never really overtly flirted – just joking, and stuff.

However, over time, we started working together less and less, and I found that (maybe this is just my perception) that when we’re around a lot of our co-workers, he tends not to… give me enough attention? I know that sounds SO BAD (especially since I have no idea whether he even likes me in that way), but seriously, I like him, and I would love it if he paid more attention to me, but when we’re in a group, he’ll talk to me for a sec, and then spend the rest of the time talking to someone else while I’m there.

Anyways, recently, I talked to him again a couple of times, and I’ve been unintentionally rude. Like, when I’m talking to him, I’m really not nice and friendly like I used to be, but more short and uninterested. The thing is, even when I’m doing these things, I KNOW I’m being rude, but I just can’t stop for some reason =S. The first time, I think I was okay, not too bad, but he basically spent the entire time talking to our co-worker, and I just stood there… After like the first couple of mins of them talking non-stop, me trying to jump in but not really succeeding, I just turned on my music and waited for them to finish. This was really confusing to me because he called me that afternoon to see how my work was going and what I had been upto :?. So, the second him, he came over to talk to me while I was working, tried to make conversation, and I just wasn’t very receptive — I just barely answered any of his questions, barely looked at him (this one was because I didn’t look very good that day at ALL!). So he tried to keep the convo going a couple of times, but then just finally left after I was not very receptive.

And, the thing is, while I was being this way, I KNEW I was being rude, and I just couldn’t stop. Like, why am I doing this April? I don’t understand! I don’t know if he likes me, but I really want him to because I like him, and I would really love for us to get closer and talk more.

PLEASE HELP! 🙁

[kai]

Interesting post… I am curious to see what April says.

[angelx]

Why hasn’t April answered yet? 🙁

[crazed-driver]

The only thing I can think of is maybe on an unconcious level, you are pushing him away as if he comes back to you, you know he’s a keeper/interested or you may enjoy the thought of him chasing you. Again that maybe on an unconcious level too.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re hurt that he’s not doing what you want him to do and behaving the way you want him to behave, so you’re punishing him by being rude to him, when deep down, you want his attention so much you could — well, write to me about it! 😆 When he doesn’t pay you the attention you want, you feel rejected, and you’re mad! That’s why you behave rudely to him. It’s not a mature reaction, but it’s a natural one for you.

If you want him to know you like him, then dial up the flirting with him — but don’t make him think your world revolves around him. Do this WITHOUT being rude. If you think you’re going to be rude, it’s better to take yourself out of the situation by leaving so that his entire experience of you is pleasant.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go.

And join me on Facebook — I’d love to see you there. My AskApril.com Facebook page, where you can become a free member, is right here: [url][/url].

[angelx]

Thanks for the reply, April! It makes sense because I really don’t understand why he ignores me when we’re with other people.

I was hoping you could help me figure out if likes me at all? A bit more info:
He’s never “overtly” made any moves on me – we’ve flirted a little bit here and there, but nothing too major. He kinda just ignores me around other people. The last time I mentioned where I just finally turned on my music, he kept looking at me every once in a while while he was talking to the other girl. I went to see him this weekend, and spent like an hour talking to him, which was nice, and sort of really cute. He and I haven’t talked on facebook at all lately, but he just commented on something I posted, so I wonder if it’s because of this weekend. And he notices small things like I’ve gotten tanner or stuff like that about me. *sighs* I don’t know about this guy, April. He acts very nice and cute when we’re alone, but not so into me when we’re around other people. But the kicker is, even when we’re alone, I don’t know if he likes me… 🙁

HELP!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Did you do what I suggested — dial up the flirting? You didn’t mention that, and I’d like to know if it worked.

In addition to the advice in my last post, I suggest you get my book called Think & Date Like A Man. It has everything in it you need to know including ways to know if he likes you and if he does — ways to allure him into dating you! Here’s the link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. The book is only $15.95, which is going to be a VERY cheap fix if it helps save relationships for you!! It’s also an automatic download and a quick read, so let me know what you think.

In the meantime, please join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. I’d love to have you as a free member on AskApril.com on Facebook! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

You’re doing exactly what people do when they feel vulnerable: you’re punishing the person you want. When he drifts in a group, it triggers feeling invisible, and your defense goes on autopilot. That cold behavior isn’t protecting you it’s sabotaging whatever warmth was there.

April isn’t wrong when she says you’re reacting out of hurt. But “dial up the flirting” isn’t the full prescription. Flirting works when it’s paired with emotional steadiness. If you flip between hot interest and passive-cold, he gets confused and most people bail on confusing.

Fix the immediate problem first: stop acting rude in the moment. When you feel that shutdown coming, take a real exit go to the bathroom, get a drink, or step outside for thirty seconds. It’s better to remove yourself than to perform passive-aggression that poisons the vibe.

Own it, briefly and honestly. Next time you catch him alone say something like, “Hey I realized I sounded cold the other day. I’m sorry, I overreacted. I like talking with you.” Short. Sincere. No guilt trips. That clears the air and gives him permission to respond.

Then be consistent. Show up friendly, conversational, and a little flirty if that’s what you want but don’t escalate too fast. Let him prove he can pay attention in public as well as in private. If he can’t, that tells you what kind of partner he would be.

You’re allowed to want attention, but you don’t have to manufacture it by being defensive. Hold your ground emotionally: be warm, be direct when it matters, and don’t give away your worth to earn someone’s focus. If he’s interested, he’ll come back. If he’s not, at least you didn’t push him away yourself.

[Tara]

You like him, you want his attention, and the moment you don’t get it on your terms, you shut down, sulk, and punish him with coldness like he’s supposed to chase after you for treating him like an inconvenience. That’s not flirting that’s emotional immaturity.

He’s not avoiding you; he’s responding to your behavior. No guy is going to stand there forever trying to talk to someone who barely gives him eye contact and acts annoyed by his existence. And you don’t get to blame “group dynamics” when the truth is you expected special treatment and threw a passive-aggressive tantrum when you didn’t get it.

If you want him to like you, stop acting like someone he’d be stupid to pursue. Drop the icy act, stop waiting for him to read your mind, and actually talk to him like a functional adult. A simple, “Hey, sorry I was short the other day I wasn’t in the best mood,” will do more than all the silent theatrics you’ve been performing.

[Natalie Noah]

This girl isn’t confused, she’s insecure, and insecurity makes people behave in ways they don’t even recognize in themselves. She likes this guy, she wants him to notice her, and when he doesn’t give her the attention she’s craving especially in front of other people she feels invisible. That sting turns into irritation, and that irritation turns into rudeness disguised as “I don’t care.” It’s not cruelty; it’s a defense mechanism. She thinks pushing him away will hurt less than hoping for something she’s not sure she can have.

The guy’s behavior isn’t actually that mysterious, it’s just inconsistent in a very human way. Some people flirt or feel comfortable one-on-one, but when they’re in a group, they shrink, or they try to distribute their attention more evenly. He may not want to look too interested in front of coworkers. He may be shy. He may be trying not to create workplace drama. But the fact that he checks on her, tries to talk to her, notices little details about her… that’s a very strong sign he finds her appealing on some level even if he’s not ready, or confident enough, to show it publicly.

Her rudeness is the only thing truly hurting the situation. She knows she’s doing it. She knows she doesn’t want to do it. And yet she keeps acting that way because she’s afraid of being vulnerable first. It’s the classic “I’ll reject you before you reject me” pattern. But here’s the truth: men don’t chase mixed signals forever. A guy will approach a girl who’s hard to read, but he won’t chase one who feels uninterested or cold. She’s unintentionally teaching him that he’s unwelcome and he’s responding the only way he knows how: by backing off.

What she really needs isn’t more analyzing, it’s emotional regulation. If she wants him, she has to treat him warmly when he approaches her. No games, no punishing him, no withdrawing because she’s scared. Just gentle, open energy. If he’s not giving her attention in groups, she doesn’t need to pout she needs to remember that one moment doesn’t define his feelings. If she softens even a little he’ll likely step toward her again. But if she keeps acting hurt instead of honest, she’ll push away the very thing she wants.

[Sally]

When you like someone and you’re not sure they feel the same, it’s really easy to slip into this weird mix of wanting their attention and protecting yourself from getting hurt. It doesn’t make you mean it makes you nervous. And when nerves don’t have a place to go, they come out sideways.

What you’re doing isn’t actually about him. It’s about you feeling ignored in those group moments and then trying not to care so much. Pulling back feels safer than letting him see that you want more from him. I’ve done that acting cold because warm felt too vulnerable.

And he’s probably confused too. He reaches out, tries to talk, and suddenly you’re short with him. Most guys won’t push through that; they’ll just assume you’re not interested.

If you want this to shift, just soften a little the next time he talks to you. You don’t need a big apology. Just be the version of yourself you actually like the one who isn’t pretending she doesn’t care.

Sometimes the only thing in the way is our own fear of being seen.

[Member]

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