[Anonymous]

My best friend is my ex boyfriend. we were together for 3 almost 4 years, and have known each other for more than 16 years. we had our ups and downs like any normal couple, but during the last month of our relationship, things started to change. he became very private, and hid the fact that he was hanging out and constantly talking to a friend of mine who was my future roommate. i confronted him about it because i had the intuition that he was cheating on me. we fought, but decided to give it another try. the week past by, i thought things were going fine, he’d kiss me, tell me he missed me whenever i wasn’t around, say i love you. then i found him doing the same thing, hiding from me he’s talking to her. he didn’t cheat, but we fought, though i tried to calmly to figure out what was going on, he ended up dumping me the day before valentine’s day.

i made the mistake by calling and trying to figure out what went wrong. it turns out that the next day, valentine’s, he took my “friend” out and has been seeing her ever since.

here’s where it gets complicated. we started talking again a week after our break up, texting and an occasional phone call, talking about our day and how things are, things you talk about with a best friend, which he still is in my mind. BUT, his new girl, my ex-friend, doesn’t know we’re still talking to each other. she did find out once, and got mad at him, but he still continues to hide from her that we’re talking.

i’ve talked to him about it, he likes her, she’s cool and fun to hang out with. he claims that she’s not a rebound girl, but if she’s not, then why does he have to hide it? i love him, he says he knows it, i want him back, he says he doesn’t know anymore, so right now i’m giving him his space and just staying his friend.

i’m really confused, we still talk and act the same as when we were dating. is he really into her? is this just a break? do i still have a chance? why is he hiding it from her?

[Ask April Masini]

If you really want him back, you need to play hard ball. Right now you’re allowing him his cake and to eat it, too. 😕 Being best friends with an opposite sex, attractive, single person — even if he’s dating or married to someone else — is asking for romance! It’s very hard to maintain a best friendship with such a guy, with any stability, as you’re now finding out. Your ex had you as a girlfriend and segued into a new relationship by be-friending your girlfriend, then dating her. Now he’s dating your girlfriend and be-friending you. But you still want him. Whether or not she’s a rebound isn’t important. The way he treats you, and the way you treat yourself, is.

You have to redefine the relationship between you and him. If you don’t you’re going to stay in this pattern where he gets his pick of who to date and who to befriend. (Can you hear the echo: Victim, victim, victim?) If you make him choose, he’ll be forced out of this pattern and have to take responsibility for his feelings towards you. You may or may not like his choice, but I’d advise putting on your big girl pants and accepting his decision, as well as tacitly demanding of yourself, that you only give your heart to men who treat you like a valued girlfriend and not wasting time with men who don’t.

Big change, huh? 🙂

Stop being friends with him, and show him what he’s missing. But be ready and willing to move on if he doesn’t choose you — with both feet in. If he turns out to be a guy who can’t completely commit (or doesn’t want to commit) to one woman, then you’ll nurse your broken heart for having lost what you wanted and can’t have, but you’ll stop wasting your time with someone who can’t give you what you want. Big picture thinking!

[Author]

Posts