[Hbomb76]

I have been with the same woman (who I’ll call Jenn) a total of 15 years and 3 months. We’ve been married 7 years, and have a 5 year old son. We’ve had our ups and downs, and I’ll be forthright in stating she HAS put up with a lot of nonsense over the years from me. To be fair, I’ve put up with a lot myself too, but one thing I never questioned was whether I loved her or not, even at our worst.

Here’s where I fess up that I have had a couple of indiscretions during our time together. I admitted what I did without hesitation (even when I would have NEVER gotten caught, my guilt got the better of me), and although I know it hurt her, she thankfully gave me a chance to redeem myself. I have loved her since I first met her, and cannot imagine my life without her. I know the root of my cheating was ALWAYS due to the fact that she was not fulfilling my physical intimate needs (whereas she HAD at one point and it wasn’t a problem), and her indifference. Like a lot of people, when I went from total satisfaction (not to mention healthy exploration and experimentation) to her suddenly ceasing to do things or even really wanting any kind of intimacy, my physical needs overwhelmed my common sense and I allowed myself to indulge in what I was no longer getting at home with someone else. I am not proud of that. We actually had developed a relatively healthy sex life again between then and my son’s birth, but it gradually declined again. But I vowed to deal with it and try to be compassionate of her emotional issues (she has mood swings regularly, suffers from depression and was experiencing image issues due to her pregnancy weight gain and inability to lose said weight).

In 2007, one of her younger brothers died in a horrific DUI accident, and subsequently my relations with my in-laws crumbled when THE NIGHT OF THE ACCIDENT their own brother and his cretin friends decided to basically throw a series of keggers (lasting over the next 3 or 4 days, then weekly thereafter) in “mourning”. I made a big stink about their methods of “grieving”, and they also made quite the use of Myspace and other public forums to call me out and sully my name to try to make me feel like a fool. I was an easy target. A buzzkill. I was publically humiliated and berated, and I will never forget that feeling.While at first their parents (and my wife) supported my plight to keep their son’s memory alive WITHOUT relating it to partying and inebriation, after a week they flip-flopped and then I was the odd-man-out when they decided that ‘right or wrong’ they would side with their son and just saw it as “the only way they know how to grieve”. Complete BS, and a total disrespect towards their dead son. But anyway, that was the last time I visited my in-laws, and the last words I spoke to my surviving brother-in-law in September of 2007 were “drop dead”. I meant them. I have seen my in-laws in passing twice in 5 years, and my sister-in-law and her husband 2 or 3 times. That’s it. I know it has caused a strain, because family means a lot to my wife. I will never apologize for standing up for the honor of someone, but I do regret it played out like it did. I know this caused her pain, but I took my integrity very seriously, and lashed out at anyone who suggested I lay down MY guns in that scenario. I was determined to go to my grave with a grudge (which I would be constantly reminded of for the next few years), and would not associate with trash. Many holidays passed where she came home depressed because everyone else had their SO/spouse there, but I was not with her. My ONLY regret there is that she had to go through that.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2011. A girl I dated (we’ll call her Brandi, for the sake of keeping things straight) back around the time I started dating Jenn befriends me on Facebook. I did not hide this. Brandi had been in contact with me off and on for a few years, but mostly small talk and the occasional truncated conversation (cut off by me) about “what if’s”. Truth is, I really did care a lot about Brandi, and frankly, if she hadn’t have been so flaky, shady (I never could 100% trust her for various reasons) and flat-out borderline insane, I might’ve married her. But she was not long-term material, and when I started dating Jenn I backed out of that situation as carefully and speedily as possible. In our discussions, I always referred to Brandi as “this chick I know”, or just a friend. I was not one hundred percent disclosive and I always regretted that. But how was I supposed to explain something like “if I just outright dump this psycho she’s going to make both our lives hell”? Maybe that’s EXACTLY how I should’ve said it. But I didn’t. So last year, Brandi friends me, and she’s since married, moved far away and I figured no big deal. Then she makes a comment or two on my page that might have been perceivable as flirtatious (which I ignored completely), and suddenly my kid sister (who’s great at getting into others’ issues but will stab you in the eye with a soldering iron if you try to tell HER what to do) goes on some tirade calling the ex all kinds of horrible names and making a spectacle on my comments section. Jenn and I were kind of forced into discussing Brandi again, and I told her everything. She immediately unleashed a flurry of anger on me, claiming our whole relationship was built on a bunch of “bullshit” and that it crushed her imagery of what she had (back then) perceived as a “perfect” relationship with someone who truly loved her and her alone. She said it would take her some time to mend and start trusting me again. I did “unfriend” Brandi and have not spoken to her since, even when she tried to email me at my band’s email address. My wife grew more and more distant, and to this day I’m not sure if she was even TRYING to find a way to cope with the recent revelations. After being more or less put out in the cold and ignored for several weeks I seriously considered divorce. I didn’t WANT to, but I felt my options were waning. I exchanged a couple of emails on Facebook with a girl I used to go to high school with about some of our issues, and told her we were already “separated” (figuratively), and we were living more like roommates, and she and I had discussed possibly hanging out with one of our other guy-friends (who was back in town). Well, for whatever reason, Jenn decides to sneak a peek into my Facebook inbox (any time she got a wild hair, she had no problem doing so) and saw that correspondence, and she flipped. As with a lot of our arguments before and after, she wanted no responsibility or accountability for the way she was or was not handling things, and it was all my fault. She suddenly goes with a, “fine…you know what? I don’t care what you do anymore, or if you want to hook up with someone or whatever, I’m sick of worrying about this crap” attitude, which frankly, scares me and makes me feel she’s really given up on me. She does, however, at that point, promise to “work through it” and that she does still love me and wants to be with me.

We did gradually better (or so I thought) over the next almost-year, and even went on (what I thought was) the best Disney vacation ever in mid 2012. The only noticeable difference with her was that her interest in intimacy was off-and-on, and at one point I actually got her to admit she kind of had a strong attraction to a male coworker (made even more odd by his ethnicity-Hispanic- where she’d never found Hispanic males attractive before and in fact felt quite the opposite). Oh, and when she would go out with me when I was performing, where she used to get a little tipsy, and then often would want to go home and have fun in the bedroom, now she’d get so drunk that she’d either A) pass out or B) get sick. No in-between, no option “C”. We even went on a romantic date for our anniversary AND on a couple double-dates with other couples. So I thought we might still have issues, but we’re gonna’ make it after all.

Then in late September she starts avoiding coming to bed (“accidentally” falling asleep on the couch), rejecting advances, and acting weird. I had a gut feeling myself, and for the first time in our relationship, I decided to snoop on HER a little, and I saw in her Facebook email (which was left up carelessly on the same Kindle my child plays games on…nice) where she told one of our MUTUAL friends (or so I thought) that she was taking a break from me. So I finally work up the nerve (without mentioning I already knew that) to sit her down at about 1AM one night and confront her about it. She first tries to inform me that she’s unhappy about the fact that I don’t carry my load when it comes to household chores (keep in mind I never said even a single word when after years of telling me that when she paid her car off she’d start helping with some of the household bills so I could pay one of my credit cards off—instead she gets regular massages and spends money on booze now that she has no car payment), and that she’s not in love with me any more. I wouldn’t accept that you fall OUT of love over the dishes, and I dug a little. She admits that she’s still dwelling on the Brandi thing mainly, and she wants a “break” to “think things through”, and that she’s not sure if she wants to even be with me anymore. I’m crushed, because all this time I thought she had already BEEN thinking and that we were on our way back up. She denies that there’s anyone else. I notice that a great deal of our wedding stuff now has been packed away into a box; she claims “it was getting dusty and looking bad”. We exchange only a couple of emails over the next couple of days, and she tells me she doesn’t want to leave, but moreso for our son’s sake, and that she and I will not be sharing a bed for a while, while she’s “thinking”.

I also asked that she not talk about this to people. If she needed to resolve it, fine, talk to a pro, but neither her nor my friends, family or coworkers needed to know what we’re dealing with. I would find out that I was too late. Several people already knew, and I was livid. Especially when one of the people she blabbed to was a friend and coworker of MINE, and over a MONTH prior. I agreed to give her a “break”, but I told her I would fight for her because I didn’t want things to end. I had a gig cancellation the following Friday night, and she asked if I would watch our son (and my nephew) so she could go out with a couple of coworkers. I agreed, and told her to have fun. That Friday, after working about 3 hours, then going to get a massage, she grabs her Kindle and cell phone, and bolts out the door at 4 pm. Didn’t even tell me she was leaving. After preoccupying our son so he wouldn’t keep asking where his mommy was and when she was coming home, I bathed him and he wanted to wait up for her, saying she would “be home in a minute”. This was at midnight, and he was out like a light by 12:15AM. I texted her asking when she would be coming home, because over 8 hours had passed and she hadn’t even called to tell him goodnight or check on him. She didn’t respond. I sent another text, expressing concern and asking if she was okay. No response again. I called her after about 45 minutes, and got her voice mail. I left her a message. 20 minutes later I tried again, and again 10 minutes after that. Then I just rang her phone till finally, at almost 2AM, she picked up, sounding half-asleep and groggy. She claimed to be at her brother’s house, and that she had been drinking so she wasn’t fit to drive earlier. I offered to come get her, and she sobered-up really quick and suddenly was capable of operating a vehicle. I couldn’t help but be a little suspicious at this point. I did chastise her for abusing the courtesy and respect I gave her and spending her “soul searching” time getting ‘faced and neglecting to even think about her own child. She said her coworkers were busy, so she went Downtown, sat around, went and had dinner, then went to her brother’s. She didn’t bother to shower, and she went to bed in my son’s room.

When I awoke the following morning, she was coming into the bedroom in nothing but a towel, and she began putting on her thong, very slowly. Same with her bra, very, very slowly. I slid to the edge of the bed and wrapped my arms around her (maybe I got a mixed signal or something), and she just clinched-up, froze and started crying. Another red-flag. I let her go, and she finished getting dressed. My sister came to pick the boys up (my son was staying with her that night), and I noticed my sister acting a little funny too. When they left, I sat down calmly across the room and I asked her what all really happened last night. She got REALLY defensive and hateful, knowing I was curious as to whether she was in any kind of inappropriate situations. She denied it of course, and I told her I read both she AND my sister, and something’s up. She berated me for not trusting her and “just being paranoid”, and I also called to her attention I noticed she’d been doing a LOT more texting than usual, which she also denied. I then asked her about how many people REALLY know what’s up with us, and she danced around the subject. I finally said that I’d be more than happy to compare cell phones and see how many people she’s talked to about it (and that I’d be willing to limit it to just the past THREE days), and she can scour my phone as well. Her response was that I was being ridiculous, and that she “didn’t want to look at [my] damned phone”. I insisted, and that if I was wrong, I would admit defeat and being wrong, and my trust would never falter. She hesitated, and when I finally got her to pull her phone out she tried to skim over some important messages. I wanted to see her “sent” folder, and I found not only messages to at least 4 people talking about our situation, but I found a message TO MY OWN SISTER from that Friday night stating she was drunk, but she was happy because she was sitting next to one of her brother’s friends who “has nice arms” (she has a thing for dudes with nice arms). I almost leapt off the sofa, and she brushed it off saying “I was just playing around…I was kidding”. Was she? I don’t know. And when she drinks, her mouth, and her inhibitions, lose all tact and restraint. So God only knows what actually went down. I wasn’t too happy with the fact that she claimed she used the bathroom in her pants and had to wash her underwear from the night before either very first thing that morning. Some people would say that would be a major red flag. I told her, if she did anything I’d like to know. If she needed to “pay me back” fine (and she got REALLY defensive then); but that I didn’t appreciate after all the grief she gave me about putting MYSELF into inappropriate scenarios and here she was doing the same very thing.

Believe it or not, we actually ended the conversation with her seeming to understand and agree that she abused the courtesy to have “her” time with what she did, and I told her if she cannot come to some kind of resolve on her own she needed to seek professional help, and that in fact, she SHOULD’VE done it a year and a half ago. She let me buy us take-out and we actually ate sitting across from one another on the sofas, very civilly and without incident. The kicker was that on the way to get food, I texted her brother. I made a decision that I would make a bold, unexpected and significant move. For her birthday at the end of October, I would surprise her by taking her to dinner, but when we get to the restaurant, her family would be there and I would officially end my feud with her brother, for her. He thought it was a great idea, and we would make a plan. It was to be a total surprise to her. I figured if that doesn’t show her how far I am willing to go just to make her happy, and if that doesn’t put things right, or at least in the right direction, there was no hope and I guess I’d know either way.

On the way out I told her to take the bed for the night, since I would be coming in late. I had a performance that night, so I left shortly thereafter. I spent most of the evening thinking to myself how great it would be if I really got through to her and that at the very least she would be okay with at least sharing the same bed that night. When I got home at almost 3AM, she was passed out on the sofa, and I showered, checked my email and then got her up to go to the bed. I took the sofa, and slept horribly.

When we got up the next day, yet again, I hoped that MAYBE with our son not home and with our (assumed) progress the evening before, maybe we would at least both have a need to satisfy the fact that we had a lot of stress going on AND we’d not had sex for over a month. Needless to say, it didn’t happen. She got dressed, and was leaving to go get our son and go to her folks’. As she was leaving, I flipped. I flung a guitar case across the room, knocked over one of my folding tables and slapped another guitar off its stand. Mind you, I’d never hit a woman (plenty of opportunities, never once did), but I was furious and something had to pay. Might as well be MY stuff. I didn’t realize she heard the booms from outside and came in demanding to know what my problem is. I wasn’t about to say I was so sexually backed-up and otherwise frustrated that I am either going to have to break something or “do it”, and it was obvious I wasn’t getting laid. I told her I’d explain later, and that it was okay. She swung moods on me again, and stormed out, claiming to “have to get out of here”. Because “getting out of there” has worked soooo well thus far. I once again poured my heart out to her, and then she left. I went to go record with my new band, and I stayed out of her hair till about 10PM that night.

When I got home, we had a short, quippy conversation wherein she was, yet again, very defensive, and getting more mad with everything I said. She had told me she was going to go see a professional, but snapped when I asked what she was going to ask them for help with (she said “their opinion on our situation” and I was trying to reiterate that, no, it was her lack of ability to cope with this thing that she supposedly cannot get over that is the problem…she snapped because I “always” say she’s wrong). I explained to her that by using this as a weapon (which triggered ANOTHER snap-back) and by having led me on for the past year and a half, she was absolutely no better than me in that regard, and at this point I just needed reassurance that she was actually doing something proactive to come to a solution. I left her alone after telling her I missed her.

Now it’s Monday night. I talked to her brother at great length tonight, and everyone’s on board and ecstatic about my plan. However, I’m still getting some really awful vibes, and it doesn’t help matters that she left MY laptop open and on her Facebook messages between her and a friend of her brother’s, with a bunch of flirty messages (the kind that she’d REAM me about if it were me). She gets SO upset when I even look at her like there’s a possibility that I might have suspicion that she’s talking to someone or doing things with anyone, but with all the factors (distancing, sleeping on the couch, irritability, secrecy, unaccountable time away, the sudden change in behaviors, deleting ALL her text messages on her phone…and many, MANY more things) it’s hard NOT to add them all up and consider that something is going on. She swears nothing is, but the way she evidently feels about me right now, what’s to stop her from lying to me?

I guess I’m here because I have no clue what to do. I feel useless, worthless, helpless and have absolutely no confidence, control or self-esteem. She is so cold right now, and she’s not communicating any more than she absolutely has to with me. Am I wasting my time? Should I even bother to try any more? Should I dig and try to catch her in another lie and call her out on it? Should I even go through with this mending of the family thing? Should I give her an ultimatum? Am I supposed to disconnect, and HOW? Any advice would be most helpful, as I’m really, really not doing well at this point. Thanks

H

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t about love. It’s about behavior.

People keep marriages and families together for all sorts of reasons: love, family values, finances, default, etc. Sometimes there’s love, but no reason to be married or together. Sometimes there’s no love and good reasons to be married. Bottom line: there is no right or wrong reason to keep a marriage together. The problem here is that you’re both miserable; you’re both behaving badly; and you’re both stuck in ruts where you’re repeating the same behaviors and expecting the same things that have failed in the past, to work this time. 😕

It doesn’t seem like either one of you wants to move on without dragging the relationship history along for the ride — and that relationship history is what fails you. So, it really seems like you need to legally separate. This doesn’t mean separate bedrooms in the same house. It means separate homes; legal documents filed and and a custody schedule set up for your son’s benefit. Time to pull the trigger on marriage. You’ve both been bluffing on doing it and that’s not helping. 😳 Now, you need to walk the walk.

You’ve tried everything; she’s tried everything — you’re both holding on to the past and old behavior. Now, it’s time to separate and see what it’s like to really be apart. If one of you feels that this separation is the gateway to a better life, then the marriage is over. If both of you feel like the separation is worse than the marriage, then you have some hard work ahead of you.

I don’t usually recommend this when there’s marriage and children involved, but sometimes it is the best way to resolve a bad situation. 😳

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