[Drstyle]

Dear April:
I am in my late 30’s, divorced with 2 children. I am independent, own my own house, car and pay all my bills alone. I am a professional and have a great career. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2 years now. He is wonderful; he helps me with the kids, in the house and overall is always working on our relationship to make it better. I trust him, I know he loves and care for me tremendously. He also has 2 children of his own that he supports. My issue is this; he does not make a lot of money. He works hard and lots of over time but in his carreer path, he will never make a high salary. This is what he chooses and is comfortable there. I have encouraged him to go to school and do more for him but he is comfortable basically being broke.
In the last few months, he has been staying with me and it’s to the point now where he lives with me. I don’t mind because he helps out a lot and he has always given me $ for groceries, etc but it is not a lot of money. If we are living together, in my mind, we should spilt the bills of the household or at least come close to that. I know what he makes and what his child support is and I am lucky if I will see $300 to $400 a month from him. My household bills are $3,000 a month. I don’t feel like this is fair and it bothers me. When I talk to him about it, he says he has been working so hard and trying for more overtime to give me more and wants to give me more but I know he just can’t do it.
In addition, since he does not have a lot of money, we usually can’t go to places I like to go such as vacations, theater, weekend trips, etc. We are going to go out this week and try to do more but I feel so bored in this relationship because of this. In a sense, I want someone that will plan trips and we can go places I won’t have to worry about spending too much of his money. What I do is, I plan trips myself and go places with my kids and my family so I don’t feel like I am losing out on the things I have come accustomed to but he cant come.
There are so many things that are perfect in our relationship but the money is a big issue for me. He wants to get married and I don’t because if so, then he can have ½ of my house that I worked long and hard to get after my divorce. What do you think? Is money such a big deal to break up this relationship?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Time for some honesty. You’re tiptoeing around the edges, but you’re not really being clear with yourself. You and your boyfriend are incompatible when it comes to lifestyle. You want someone who makes a certain amount of money, but you haven’t been clear with yourself — or him about this. Now, you’ve let things go too far, and he’s living with you even though you know this isn’t a good match, and you’re starting to get resentful, but you’re clinging to your version of logic which includes a lot of rationalizations (he’s good at certain things, etc.).

In every relationship there are deal breakers. These are the things that keep us awake at night. A man can be wonderful, but not want to raise your children the same religion that you do — for some people that’s a deal breaker. A man can be very wealthy, but bad in bed, and that’s a deal breaker for someone. A man can be fantastic, but he has children and you don’t want children. That can be a deal breaker. Get over the guilt about who you are and what you want. Nobody here is passing any judgment on you. In fact many men don’t want to marry women who don’t have a certain income, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The worst thing you can do is to be dishonest…. which is what you’ve been doing.

This is a deal breaker, and you know it, but you want me to tell you. Consider yourself told.

Next time around, be clear before you get so involved with a man, about what you want in a relationship. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts