[annabelle24]

Ok, this one is a long one, I apologise for this. I just thought I’d go through as much detail as possible you you are able to gain a comprehensive understanding of the situation:

1 month ago I ended a 2 month long relationship with a very charming, good looking guy (he is 31, I am 24).We fell very hard for one another, very quickly and within 2 weeks we started an exclusive relationship (we were both happily single, neither of us were looking for a relationship). This guy had this wonderful understanding of me and made me feel so very special and important. He also was very supportive of me and also very sensitive and caring. We also had an amazing sexual chemistry which I had never experienced with anyone before.

I guess I got a bit wary, because although he was so wonderful, on some days he would be quite a different person.
He could be quite superficial, in that he would tend to talk at me about really vacuous topics which I took little interest in, such as how interesting his friends’ lives were or how well respected they were. He would also gush about sexy Instagram girls and the stunning model waitresses at the restaurant his friend owned. I also found that we had little in common as far as interests goes.There were also times that he could be quite abrasive, in that he would challenge topics/interests/opinions/stories I would bring up and after a while I started to build a bit of a wall as I was feeling quite self conscious around him. He was also very critical of me and of other people, which made me somewhat question his character.
Because of this, I was really concerned that we weren’t compatible and kept on reflecting on my previous relationship (7 year relationship) which we argued very infrequently and things felt quite natural and easy.

I had my last straw when I took him out to brunch on his birthday and he was behaving quite abrasively. I started to feel really tense and began looking back on my last relationship which certainly wasn’t perfect, but we did get along a whole lot better. I broke it off with him the day after. I counselled him when he was upset on the phone crying to me (which was heartbreaking to hear), but then I started receiving some angry text messages from him, telling me that “my ex was a pushover, which is why I am so sensitive” and “because my ex was so spineless, he had to put up with 7 years of bad habits”and “good luck to the next guy”.

The day following, I confronted him via text about the things he had said and I also brought up his negative behaviours during the relationship. He stated that he really didn’t want to talk about it as he was at work and it was bringing him to tears.
I took this has him evading responsibility for what had happened (as he did throughout the relationship whenever I did confront any of his behaviours) so I then continued to finish what I had to say and he then begged me to stop and requested that we discuss it later. I had quite a lot to say to him, so i finished what I had to say via a lengthy paragraph and left it at that. Please note that all the things I said via text were communicated in a very respectful manner.

We spoke on the phone a couple of days later and I apologised for how everything got between us and stated that it was such a shame that we couldn’t make it work. He then went on to tell me that it couldn’t work because I was manipulative. I was so perplexed by this and I asked him how. He then went to say that I was pushing him when he was in tears at work and had asked me to stop and that his friends have told him that all I am trying to do is gain power. He said that I don’t do this intentionally. I was so outraged that I hung up on him and stopped talking to him for a couple of weeks and blocked him on social media. He sent me messages stating how cruel this was of me to cut him out like this which I ignored.

One night, I went out to see a movie on my own and I walked past a bar, low and behold I saw him in the window talking to his friends. All these feelings came back and I felt like I made a bad decision breaking up with him as I felt so strongly for him.
That night I texted him telling him I saw him and told him that I missed him and that it was heart breaking to see him. He told me that he feels the same and then started all the angry texts again. For this reason, I told him that I am blocking his number from now on as he is behaving very immaturely. I felt like this was a really terrible way to end the relationship, especially since we did have quite a special bond , so an hour later I sent him a text message stating that I want to make amends and that I wont be blocking him. He sent me a response thanking me for taking this approach.

The day after I was missing him uncontrollably and out of impulse I called him and asked whether we could maybe try to give it another try. He said that because I have showed such dramatic changes in approach (i.e., blocking him one day and having second thoughts the next), that he would need a couple of weeks to think about it. Two days later I realised that getting back together was not a wise idea because we could potentially be entering one of those toxic on and off relationships which would be harder to leave with time. I really didn’t want to lead him on when I wasn’t 100 percent certain, so I contacted him telling him this and he agreed with me. He also said that he didn’t think the relationship was salvageable, not because the problems within the relationship but because of the behavior I demonstrated after the breakup (i.e., the manipulative actions via sms messages after we broke up, me stopping contact with him for 2 weeks, me deciding to block his number).

This week he called me to see if I was doing OK, he was so lovely and kind and we were getting along very well. He told me that he still cares a lot for me and wants me to be happy because he thinks I am an amazing person.
We reflected a little on why things didn’t work and he told me that he thought I behaved manipulatively (unintentionally he said) and that I had unreasonable expectations of him, but that it doesn’t matter anymore because it is in the past. He really wants to stay friends when the feelings have subsided as he still cares a lot for me. What hurts most is that he seems to have moved on very quickly when he told me that he has never fallen so hard for anyone before, whereas I am still suffering significantly.

He was in a 4 year relationship 2 years ago which was apparently very easy, they rarely argued but it ended because he kissed someone else. I can’t help but wonder how this all went wrong with us considering that we were both capable of having healthy long term relationships prior. I also can’t help but wonder, is he right? Did I blow a fine opportunity at love and behave manipulatively? Was I asking too much of this man?

Thanks for all your help in advance 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I always use a relationship timeline that seems to work — when dating, use the first three months of dating to get to know each other, and decide if you want to continue dating that person. If you do, use the second three months of dating each other to decide if you want to be monogamous. When people reject this paradigm (at first 😉 ) it’s because it seems like a long time before committing. When they come to me with problems, it’s often because they didn’t get to know the person well enough to commit — before actually committing. In other words, they jumped the gun and committed too quickly. The drama that ensues is usually the result of a premature commitment.

That’s what’s going on here.

You got involved in a committed relationship with someone you didn’t know well enough for the type of commitment you created. As you got to know him, there were problems, but because of the commitment, you had created a drama. Think about what might have happened if you’d played the field and dated him, but not with the serious nature you did. You may have realized that this wasn’t your Mr. Right, and wouldn’t have taken the relationship so seriously. You broke up a 2 month relationship — but if you’d been using my paradigm (use the first 3 months to decide if you want to continue dating him), you would have come to the same conclusion, but without the drama or hard feelings because your expectations would have been set differently. When you know that the first 3 months are for deciding if you want to continue dating someone, you’re less emotionally invested and less prone to drama and heartbreak. 🙂

As for your questions, I don’t see that you were being manipulative — but you were putting a lot of weight on things working or not working in just two months of dating. That made the back and forth, fraught. As for you question about asking too much of him? Perhaps you weren’t asking too much of him as much as you weren’t paying attention to who he was — and you were asking too much of yourself to accept someone who wasn’t right for you. 😮

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions — and let me know how things go for you.

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