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The past year has been so rough, my father passed away, I lost my home to Hurricane Sandy, right after that I lost my job. I was going to have thanksgiving at my home because it was destroyed I can not have it there any more, so we have switched it to my brothers home. That being said, I was told by my boyfriend that he will not be celebrating thanksgiving with me and my daughter because one of his daughters will not be here, even though the other will be. I did say some pretty hurtful things to him that I regret, he does not understand how selfish that is, You can not start to blend families together and not celebrate just because one is not around, or am I wrong? So now here is the real kicker, I just found out I am pregnant! Ugh, I don’t know what to do…I am tempted to just agree to him not celebrating any holidays with him when his one daughter is not around, but how is that fair to everyone else? Especially his other daughter??? I am so confused as to where I stand and where to go…because I do not have a home to go back to! I really just need to know if it is wrong of me to think it isn’t right and shows favoritism towards one daughter and leaves everyone else out like we aren’t important enough to celebrate with
The pregnancy thing will take its own course, right now he is really mad at me for what I have said, his oldest daughter told me how little confidence she has and I do believe it is because both he and his ex wife always favored one over the other. I know I shouldn’t have said anything about it but I was upset that he isn;t taking anyone elses feelings into consideration.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m very sorry that you lost your father and your home and your job. 🙁 That’s a lot to lose in one year. And if you’re prickly, it’s understandable. Anyone would be after all that.

However, I don’t have enough information about your relationship question. How long have you been dating your boyfriend? Are you engaged? You mentioned blending families, but this only happens when both people are serious and committed about the relationship. He may not be as serious as you are, but I trust if you fill me in further, I’ll know.

How old are you both, and how old are all the kids involved?

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we have been together for 3 years, no we are not engaged as of yet but we have always talked about it and he stated years ago that he wants to marry me.I was the one uncertain about it but I have no doubt that if we get through this we will get married. Our situation is rather complicated as my divorce is not final yet. No I was not with him while I was married, I have been separated for many years now. The minute we met there was something special, as if we have known each other for years. He has always talked about wanting to do things as a family, holidays, etc. Yes, my words caused this bitterness, but he stated no celebrating holidays if his one daughter isn’t with us, before we fought and before I found out I was pregnant. Just a side note: he is not at all being a jerk about the pregnancy issue. We are just uncertain as we are 36 and 40 and have both stated no more kids.
So I can’t say anything about the pregnancy and if we have this child he can’t not celebrate because of them is not here, that should not have to be stated. All the kids will have to understand that holidays still happen if one of them can’t be here (this includes my daughter, as there will be holidays that she can’t be with us)
His kids are 15 and 21, mine is 8 they are all girls. I think it has more to do with not wanting to upset his daughter, she will be sad that he is celebrating a holiday with another family. I don’t want to sound rude but if my 8 year old can understand that I will be celebrating holidays when she is not around, without getting upset,then certainly a 15 year old can.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Oopsie. 😯

[i]You’re married.[/i] 😕 You really need to understand that. So, the first thing you need to do is figure out why, after three years of being separated from your husband, and dating your boyfriend, you’re not divorced and single. 😯 It’s a little unusual for you to consider blending families, when you’re still married to another man. My advice is to get your divorce so that you’re actually free to marry.

Next, I think you need to understand that his 15 year old daughter is a teenager, and she probably sees you as taking her father away from her. That’s pretty normal for 15 year old girls who have dating dads. 😉 It’s not fair to equate her behavior with your 8 year old’s behavior because they are normally at different developmental stages — especially in blended families. And while 15 year old teenagers can be unpleasant (and often are), you have to try and be the bigger person because you’re the adult, and find a united front with your boyfriend — but this is very hard to do when you’re married to someone else. 😳

I’m guessing that for the other years the two of you were dating, Thanksgiving was not an issue because you had a home that Hurricane Sandy did not damage. Is that right? In those years, did you celebrate separately? If you did, this year is just like the others, but if you didn’t, my guess is that his daughter is feeling displaced, and he wants to take care of her on this holiday. If that’s what’s going on, and everything else in the relationship is going fine, my advice is to not make a big deal out of a one day holiday — especially when your brother is hosting you and your daughter for that day. If you do go ahead and get divorced, marry your boyfriend and blend families, you’re going to have to do a lot of compromising over issues way more serious than Thanksgiving, so this is actually good practice! 😉

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The fact that I am legally still married really has nothing to do with this. Both me and my ex have other people in our lives that our daughter is involved with. The reason for still being paper married is that it isn’t finalized through the court system, and a stubborn ex prolonging the process.
His 15 yr old daughter lives 1000 miles away. And if she were with us, we would all go together instead she will be celebrating with her mothers family this year. His daughter and I went through the rough patch you spoke of when we first met, we are past that now 🙂
That is really my point in all this…when/if we blend families, this can’t be the way things are…and before I,remember I have a house to rebuild, plan a future in that direction that would keep me from doing so. Besides why would I want the man I love sitting home alone on Thanksgiving when I am so very thankful for everything he has done for me and my daughter.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m happy to give you my opinion, and you don’t have to take it — but it sounds like you want things your way and aren’t willing to do a lot of compromising. 😕 I know that you’ve had a very rough year, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that blended families are very, very difficult.

For instance, know that just because you had a rough patch with his 15 year old that you say is behind you — I [i]guarantee[/i] you another one is coming along…. 😉 You can pretend that things will be smooth sailing in a blended family — but you would probably be the first blended family in history to have that honor. If you do blend your families, you’re going to have FOUR CHILDREN with four biological parents, three of whom (besides yourself) will all be in your lives. And then there are their extended families. That’s why blending families is so tricky. There are [b]lots[/b] of dynamics, relationships and people!

I’m not really clear on why your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with you — you said that if his daughter isn’t included than he’s not going to have Thanksgiving with you, but then you said that his daughter is going to be with her mother — does that mean that he will be there, too? Where is the 21 year old daughter going to be? And why isn’t he going to celebrate with her? Or if he’s just going to sit home alone while his two daughters are elsewhere, and his pregnant girlfriend is elsewhere, what’s the reason?

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No I appreciate your opinion! That is why I came here 🙂 His daughter is included and if she were in the same state as us then of course she would be welcome (I’m not sure if that is what you meant by not included). They live in separate states from each other, its just her mom’s year to have her on this holiday. Otherwise she would be coming with him to my families. He will be staying home doing nothing for Thanksgiving if he doesn’t come with me, his other daughter will be working as she already knows nothing is going on because her sister is not here. However, if she wasn’t working she would (was) also be invited. He does not speak with his extended family so they are not coming into play. In fact my family is upset that they are not coming. And I have to be honest as say that they have all looked at me like wtf? Its the same feeling I have! So basically come christmas when my daughter is with her father, and (if still together) we wake up christmas morning and open gifts with his children I should leave because my daughter isn’t there? No I will be happy and joyful for those that ARE there and keep the fact that I’m missing my daughter terribly to myself and not ruin or show lack of appreciation to anyone else. Because that is what family does…
I just wanted to know if I was wrong in thinking that it isn’t fair to the rest of the people in his life that because one isn’t around everything has to stop. It isn’t being selfish and I am willing compromise, that is one point I will disagree with you on. He is not the one that has not been willing to compromise on this issue…so I guess its time for me to move on. I know blending families isn’t easy, I was up for the challenge. It is not like they are complete strangers to each other, and like I said one lives over 1000 miles away.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It still isn’t clear why he doesn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with you and your family — since his kids are not with him and he’s otherwise alone. It sounds like he’s sending you a message that he’s not that interested. It may be a reaction to your surprise pregnancy, too. If he was interested, he’d be there with you. 😳

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