[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you said that you’re 19 and she’s 18 and the two of you have been dating for about a year, so you have to understand that a lot of the behavior you’re seeing from your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend has to do with her simply being a teenager. There’s a wide scope of maturity and behavior for teenagers and one of you may be very mature, the other one not so much — all at the same age range. So it will help if you can adjust your expectations for her, as well as yourself. Sometimes behavior you don’t like comes from a lack of experience and sometimes it’s just the result of hormonal surges creating emotionally-based behaviors. Teenage life in general is complicated. 😉

That said, she’s made her erratic dating choices known to you, and while you don’t like them, step back and accept them. She’s letting you know with her actions that she’s all over the map. You can’t take her word because it’s not that she’s being dishonest — she’s just erratic in the romance department. I know you want her back, and you want her back under your terms (monogamy and clarity), but she’s not ready for that and if you push for that, she’s going to push back because she feels pressured to do something she’s not ready for.

I know this is disappointing, but it’s much better to get clarity and then make decisions from there. You want commitment. She’s not ready. If you stay, expect more of the same, given what you know.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Congratulations on graduating from college! Now you can start your dating education! 🙂

Don’t worry about bumping into her appearing coincidental. The reality is you’re interested in her, and there is nothing wrong with your feeling that you want to chase her and get to know her further, in fact, women find that appealing. They want a guy who is confident and assertive enough to do something about what he wants. 😎 So don’t play coy, and do make a genuine attempt to find her and ask her to have coffee with you. Either one of the first two suggestion you made — hanging out near her class or adding her on social media are fine. If and when you do make contact, let her know you’d like to get to know her better and would she be interested in seeing a movie or having lunch with you on the weekend. Yes, you run the risk of rejection, but you also show her that you’re a man who knows what he wants and is socially adept enough to ask her out! 🙂 I hope that helps! Good luck, and let me know how it goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re not really ready to have sex. If you were, you’d stay. Instead, you’re agreeing to have sex, but then you leave in the middle because you’re not in touch with your true feelings. Maybe you’re trying to have sex because you don’t want to disappoint your boyfriend, or maybe you want things to be different than they are so you try to start it up, but as sex progresses, you stop it and you walk out because something is bothering you. You may be fearful of pain or of making a moral or social mistake or maybe you have some other feelings that are bothering you about having sex — but the bottom line is that you’re leaving because some part of you wants to.

My advice is to take a break from sex — you’re trying to force the sex and the relationship, and it’s not working for you, or your boyfriend. So just hit the pause button. Figure out what’s bothering you — because it’s something, and you’ll have to do the work to understand what it is. Not everyone is ready to have sex at the same time, so respect what your body is letting you know and wait until you’re ready.

I hope that helps. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your feelings are valid, as are hers. The problem is that you’re looking for a commitment and she’s not. 😕 You like each other, but she’s interested in playing the field, and you’re looking for someone who’s wanting monogamy and is very clear about that. It’s an incompatibility that you have between you right now. 🙁 It’s tough to have this type of gap in your relationship goals when you both like each other, but the reality is that you’re not going to get what you want from her by sticking around so she can see you and other guys as well. In fact, you’re more likely to win her over, by standing by your convictions. 😉 If you let her know you like her way too much to share her, and then move on because of that, she may find you more attractive and see what it is she’s missing. 😎

When people stay in relationships because they’re afraid of losing someone, at the expense of what they know is right for them, it never works in the long run. People stay in the friend zone because they’re afraid of losing contact even though they’d rather be dating, and you’re staying in her “dating pool” because you’re afraid of standing up for the relationship that you really want, for fear of losing her. Time to show her who you really are and what you really stand for! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What readers can’t see is your pre-posting questionnaire where you mention that you have a 3 year old together. It’s a lot of work to maintain a relationship with a toddler at home! And it’s really easy to get stressed because of work, parenting and maintaining a home — and that stress affects your sex drives. In addition, you probably have less alone time because of your child, than you had before and it’s hard to feel romantic when you’re used to doing so much care taking. Being a parent is very different from feeling like a sexy partner, which is probably part of what’s going on here. And on top of all that, it’s normal to fall out of your best routines that include having regular sex — in a good relationship that goes long term! You have to work at keeping your love life going, and I can give you a few ideas to make that happen.

Why not try to get out of the rut you’re in? For instance, get a babysitter for an entire weekend — grandparents or aunts and uncles are great — and go out of town. Getting away from the routine you’ve fallen into may jumpstart your sex life. Next, focus on getting the romance back into your routine — and have a date night. If it sounds cheesy, it is — and it works! Dinner, just the two of you — at a restaurant — where you talk about things besides your child, is going to put the focus back on the two of you. And lastly, try just doing it. Sometimes you don’t have to be in the mood, but you do have to get back into the right swing of things. If you both agree that you want to get back to having regular and more frequent sex, then commit to it, whether you’re in the mood or not — just to get the wheels moving.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can’t tell from your post if he is still with his mistress or if it’s over, but the real issue here is between you and your husband — not her.

I’m not sure what the rough patch in your 10 marriage was about, or if it’s worked through or not, but the two of you have to decide if you’re going to stay together or not and how. That he’s having his mistress (current or ex) at these family events is not a sign that he values your marriage. In fact, it’s a red flag to you that he’s going to keep his mistress in his life and that your feelings about that relationship are less important than his having there.

The big question is whether you’re okay with this or not. If you are, then try to focus on things with the two of you. Understand that his brother is not supportive of your marriage. If you are not okay with this, then you have an option to leave the marriage. He would have to be pretty dense to know that this is insulting and disrespectful to you, so I think the ball is really in your court. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’s time for some tough decisions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Nothing ever comes out of the blue…. you may not have noticed that he was wanting out, but this wasn’t an overnight decision on his part. While he was in prison for the last four months, he had a lot of time to think about his life, and it sounds like he did. So now you, too, think back, and try to gain any insight into what might have caused him to want to move on, that will be helpful in deciding how to get him back. In the meantime, the way to get him back is to win him over. You have to be the girlfriend you were when he first started dating you, and the one he’ll want again. So, bring your A game and try not to be needy or desperate — it sounds like he’ll be in touch and use any time together to be someone he wants in his life. 😎 I hope that helps .

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should give it a shot. But the way back into her heart is through romance, not just being a stand up guy to her kids. Use the holidays to rev up the romance. Send her flowers and poems. Invite her to holiday parties, and focus on the relationship you have with just her — not as much with her family. She needs time to make sure she’s not the rebound relationship you’re going to have post-divorce, so be patient. But don’t back off. I think it’s great that you took care of business and filed for divorce. But ending your marriage is a process and starting up this relationship with her is one, as well. Stick with it. 😉 She’s going to be looking for signs that you’re not interested in rekindling romance with your wife and that you’re really moving forward. When the divorce is granted, invite her to celebrate this new part of your life with you. In fact, buy a bottle of champagne just for that purpose, put it in the refrigerator, and let her know that when the divorce comes through you want to drink it with her. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes! You are worth dating…. but I think you could use some guidance. I’m including the link to a book I wrote for men who want to win with women. It’s going to help you — especially since you mentioned you’re a little low on common sense. This book will guide you over that type of hurtle. Here’s the link: [url]https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/date-out-of-your-league-april-masini/1016394885?ean=9780974676302[/url]. Buy it. Read it. Follow the advice. And you’re going to feel a lot better and KNOW that you are worth dating. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You wrote that you’re “Back again for advice…” which would imply you’ve asked for advice before. I don’t see any prior posts from you. Fill me in!!

Also, I’m not sure what your question is, so let me know that as well. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you wrote this in your pre-posting questionnaire:

[quote]We are a highly conservative family that does not allow neither me nor my brother to be in any relationship with the opposite gender until engagement. Our religion is Islam and we are kind of religious people yet not highly religious. The guy I really like and I are extremely shy with one another yet very social with other people.
[/quote]

I think it’s important for you to decide if you’re going to abide by your family upbringing or strike out beyond it. Since your family doesn’t encourage relationships before marital engagement, if you want to stick with that, then I think you should focus on your studies. If you want to strike out on your own then the way to let him know you like him is to flirt with him. If he wants to date you, he will — with the encouragement of flirting… but it sounds like the bigger issue you have is whether or not you want to adhere to your cultural mores or not.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like she likes you. If you want to ask her out on a date, then you should do it. I can’t really tell if you like her or not — you’re talking a lot about her, but you haven’t really mentioned your feelings at all. 😯 If you’re worried about her ex, don’t be. Focus, instead, on what YOU want. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re very mature to be raising this issue. Not everybody wants kids. Some people change their minds, and others don’t, so when you date a single parent, you have to decide if this is a future you want. Ideally, you know this before you begin dating — but many times you just don’t know until you’re into the relationship. The thing is that if you stay with him, his kids and their mothers will be part of your life with him as for long as you are with him, and if that is something you don’t want, do not feel guilty, but do act accordingly! You can love someone and not be compatible with them and that’s what’s going on here. He’s great, but you don’t want a life with children and their mothers, so be honest about that with him, and let go and move on. And next time around, don’t get involved with someone who has children since you already know that kids are a deal breaker for you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should move on.

The two of you only dated for two months — that’s not a long time, and what you got to know about her in those two months was not just the good, but the bad. She broke up with you over text, which is really inconsiderate, and she made it very clear that she’s not interested in engaging with you in any romantic way. Chances are, since it’s eight months since the break up, she’s moved and is probably dating someone else. You’re feeling sentimental because of the holidays and because you haven’t found someone for yourself yet, so you’re doing inventory and you thought of her and wrote to me. I think that you can do a lot better and be a lot happier by finding someone else to date. I know it’s hard to move on, but this is a great time to do so. Accept all the party invitations you get — even those you’re not excited about — and get back out there and flirt, date and look for someone great to date. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No. This is over.

A couple of things to look out for when you’re dating — if someone starts to come on really strong within the first few months of dating, be wary. Those fast romances that feel dizzy and wonderful, end just as quickly. People who are impulsive and say the L word too early in the relationship, will often break up with you just as quickly. So slow down and watch out for people you date who are moving too fast. That speed goes both ways — in and out of relationships.

Next, understand that being needy and appearing desperate, aren’t attractive qualities and they won’t draw people to you — they’ll repel them, instead. So find your confidence and show those you date that you’re into them, but you’re okay without them, too. You’ll attract a lot more people that way. 😉

And lastly, remember that if you’re having so much drama in the first four months, this isn’t a healthy relationship and the fighting so early on is a sign that you’re not compatible with that person, or you’re not ready to be in a relationship (for any number of reasons).

So, I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but I think you’re going to be much happier if you move on and find someone who is more compatible with you, to date. 🙂

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