[April Masini, your AskApril]

You chose a married man you’ve known for three months over your 5 year old daughter. 😯 Of course you miss her — and she misses you, too. Go back to being a good mother and choose your daughter over this guy. Your daughter deserves both parents, whether or not you’re married or divorced. Even if you hate your husband, from whom you’re separated, you need to work out a co-parenting plan so your daughter has both of you in her life. So drop everything and work things out with your husband — and set up some joint custody situation so you can both parent your daughter. Any guy you date, who truly loves you, is going to want you to have a healthy relationship with your little girl. I’m sorry you’ve made a bad choice. This is your opportunity to fix it. Go get her. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so you’re 26 and he’s 28 and there’s a four year old child who’s either one of yours or yours together. He’s got an ex who he ditches you for now and then, and who is rude to you. You are not alone! This is very common and the way you handle this is important. Remember that this is between you and your boyfriend — not the other woman. So be polite to her and stay cool. Don’t put her in the middle of your relationship. The more you make her relevant, the more relevant she’ll be. So just stay cool and focus on your relationship with your fiancee.

Next, understand that you have competition. That’s not a bad thing, but you do have to rise to the occasion and bring your A game to the relationship. Be the best girlfriend or fiancee you know how to be. Make him grateful to have you and not want to lose you. Remember that men don’t cheat because someone else is fabulous — they cheat because they feel something with the other person that they don’t feel in their relationship with a partner. So put the focus on your relationship — not on the distraction in it.

Ideally, your fiancee will realize what he has in you and let her fade into the background. It’s important you don’t create a mountain out of a molehill — she may not be the horror show you think she is, and instead, may be more of a nuisance than anything else. But don’t give him an ultimatum or badmouth her — that will just make her more of an issue than she is.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask her out on a date for outside the office and outside of office hours. 😎 That will get you out of the office friend zone and into the dating zone. When you’re clear, she’ll be clear. The problem right now is that you’re still muddling your romantic feelings with day to day schedules. The minute you invite her to dinner on a Saturday night — or something that works for the two of you — you’ll both know it’s a date, and this will change the dynamic and clarify your intentions so she can react to them directly. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he’s not that into you — if he was, he’d make you feel special and want to win you over and show you off to his friends. That’s how you can read someone you’re dating. If he takes you out and tries to show you a good time, it’s because he wants to impress you and because he values you. If he just sees you when it’s convenient for him and doesn’t really make an effort, he’s not that into you.

My advice is that you let go and move on. Play the field and date guys who are interested in you and a relationship, because it seems like that’s what you want. When you hang out and get together because it’s easy for the guy, you’re sending him the message that this kind of dynamic is okay — but if it really isn’t okay with you, don’t create a pattern of behavior that shows him it is. Be honest with yourself first, and him, as well. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People change their minds. It happens all the time. They date someone and then lose interest. They learn about someone and decide they’re not a great match. This is normal — this is dating! You should always use the first three months of dating someone to simply get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating them — and understand that they’re doing the same. But you have to understand that just like you may find that you’re not interested, so, too, may she — and it sounds like she has. However, you don’t have to be a victim. 😉 If you really want her, why not try to win her over. Send her flowers, gifts and take her out on romantic dates. It sounds like you didn’t do a lot of work to date her…. and now you have the opportunity to do so! 🙂 If she’s lost interest, give her something to be interested in. 😎 I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Interesting questions!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You did the right thing by being honest. This is someone you met on a dating site two months ago, but haven’t dated yet — and now that he’s found out you dated a colleague of his in the past, he’s not interested in you as a romantic partner. I know you’re disappointed, but you were wise to get this out up front. He was going to find out anyway, and you might have had more invested in the relationship by the time he found out, making him feel betrayed and causing an ugly breakup. It’s always much better to know each other’s deal breakers up front, then later down the line. I know you’re upset about his “promises” but you have to remember that the two of you never had a single date — so if you bank on promises from a guy you’ve never dated, you’re making a mistake. 😉 Dating is a process and it sounds like you’re using it well — and hit a little bump in the road. You didn’t lose someone you never had, and since you never dated, try to brush it off and keep going — just not with him. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should drop it. He’s not interested. If he was, he’d act like it. 🙁 If a guy has your number and doesn’t use it — and doesn’t ask you out — he’s not interested. It’s just not a match in spite of the one night stand and the random meeting with a long talk following. It’s more difficult to understand that someone isn’t interested when they’re nice and polite. When someone is rude or curt, it’s easier. That’s probably why you’re writing me — you had good sex, you had a nice talk, and he’s a kind person — but the bottom line is he’s not interested. If he was he’d call or text and ask you out. When a guy wants to date you, you’ll know because he will. 🙂 Next!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hopefully, we’ll hear more!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the problem is that the mother of one of his two children — the one who has zero custody of that child — is blowing up his phone and triggering his lingering bad moods that are affecting your relationship with him. The problem is bigger than his bad moods. You didn’t mention why the mother doesn’t see her child regularly, but it sounds like there is a lot of unresolved conflict in your boyfriend’s relationship with this woman and their child. Until there’s a better resolution, there will probably be more of the same of this relationship dynamic. If he chooses to use boundaries in his relationships, that may help, but this is his decision. As for you… my suggestion is to adopt an attitude of empathy. Don’t challenge him by asking “what the deal is”. You already know, and don’t like it. Instead, be Switzerland when it comes to his children and his relationships with their mothers. If you and he are going to make this work, then you have to find a way to support him in these conflicts and help him process what’s going on. And… you have to decide if you’re up for this. Dating a parent is very different than dating someone without kids — and in this case, you’ve got two different mothers of his children who will be in your life, to some degree, as long as you’re in his. Be honest with yourself because this is all part of dating a parent. It’s not for everyone, but if it is for you, recalibrate your sense of normal. 😉

Some tips: 1) You mentioned that when you see your boyfriend his children are usually with him. Not a great idea! If he can’t get a babysitter so he can date you, he’s not ready to date. 2) You mentioned that his split is 4 years old, so he should be over it. Because of the kids, he’s got contact with both mothers regularly. This makes overcoming breakup strife harder. 3) If one of his exes is ruining all your good times, and he is not able to use boundaries because this is their chosen dynamic, maybe you should reconsider the relationship. Just saying… 😕

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve only been dating for four months — and you’re getting to know each other. One of the things you’ve gotten to know is that you’re different when it comes to dealing with anger (your own and each other’s). This isn’t a question of one person being right or wrong. It’s simply a question of how to bridge differences. 😉

For starters you can ask her if the two of you can agree not to label each other. That means not calling each other manipulators or anything else that has a name that can be hurtful or construed as negative. That’s a good rule for anyone to follow whether the issue is expressing hurt, betrayal or any other emotion. When you call someone a cheater, a manipulator or a liar — you’ve created distance instead of bridging it.

Next, you both have to realize you’re not wrong (or right). She takes off when she’s mad and gives herself space, while still expressing affection from a distance. You feel abandoned and don’t feel affectionate or warm when she does this. Maybe you can both meet towards the middle. If she needs to take space because she’s angry or hurt by you, ask her if she go in the other room for an hour or take a solo coffee break for a couple hours — and reconvene in a quicker time frame than a few days. This will lessen your feeling of abandonment, but still give her the space she wants — although less of it. At the same time, maybe you can tell her that you love her but you’re hurt and you’re going to try to tell her both things — that you love her and you’re hurt — instead of saying nothing or not being affectionate during these breaks.

Then, prepare to be flexible. Changes take time and patience and you may get to the point where you can both compromise, but it may not be a direct line between two points. It may take time and it may require you both to be patient with regressions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From your pre-posting questionnaire, I can tell that you’re both 28 years old and you’ve been dating long distance for six weeks and have had two dates. I think your problems are occurring because you’re putting way too much pressure on the relationship (and him), way too soon. You should always use the first three months of dating to simply decide if you want to continue dating someone because of what you’re getting to know about each other. And, you should assume that he’s playing the field (as he should of you), because it’s way too soon to be monogamous — you don’t know each other well enough, especially after 2 dates and 6 weeks. 😉

The next piece of advice I’d give you is to give him something to chase — let him want you by enticing him. When you make it too easy for him to have you he isn’t going to feel that there’s any game in this and guys love to win — and to win, there has to be game. So back off and allure him into wanting you, instead of counting the hours between texts and expecting daily communication. Save that goal for after you’ve been dating six months or a year. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People say what they need to say to get the result they want — and if she wanted to break up, she said what she needed to to get the desired effect. It doesn’t mean that what she said was true. It may be the best she could do. Not everyone has the emotional, social and intellectual tools to be honest with themselves or others, all the time, and even when they do, they don’t always use them.

I agree with you that it seems odd that she would tell you that she wants to break up because she had unprotected sex with you once and regrets her decision — I can understand why you would wonder what her personal discomfort with a decision she made had to do with you and the relationship or why she felt the need to break up with you because of that decision. She maybe upset at herself and is focusing that anger on you and the relationship because taking responsibility for her own decision is something she’s not mature enough to do.

Whatever her true reason, you only dated her for three months, and it’s good that you didn’t invest more time in someone who makes these types of decisions in this way. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you rejected your friend’s lesbian interest in you, and now you feel that she’s going after your boyfriend as retribution. 😕 Try not to put too much weight on her and what she does. Instead focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. If things are good between the two of you, nobody will permeate that bond. But if there are problems in your relationship with him, then the relationship is vulnerable. So focus on you and your boyfriend.

As for telling him about this other woman’s attraction towards you, that’s up to you, but you shouldn’t withhold information from him because you’re afraid he’ll pass judgment. If he finds out later that you didn’t tell him something, he may be more upset that you withheld the truth, than if you tell him the truth and he’s unhappy with it.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Men and women can’t be friends — I know it’s not a politically correct thing to say, but it’s true. And you’re seeing this from a front row seat! You made out with your “friend”, which is something friends don’t do, and you had an attempt at sex with her, but it sounds like things didn’t go well because she got dressed and left. Understand that friends don’t have sex with each other. That’s what lovers do, hookups do, partners and spouses do — but not friends. That said, if you have a “friend” who you’re attracted to, reconsider the relationship. Chances are it’s not a friendship — it’s something else. It could be a crush or a date or a date-to-be.

As for breaking your promise to her, that was bad. When you give someone your word, then get drunk and break it, you’ve lost their trust and embarrassed them by blurting out the secret you promised to keep. That’s a rough one to be able to get over, and if you can get her to forgive you, it will be with time.

My advice is to learn from these mistakes. Give her six months and then if you’re still feeling attracted to her, invite her on a date. Maybe she’ll have changed her mind by then. 😉 Time does heal all wounds.

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