[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very rare for two people to feel exactly the same way about each other at exactly the same time, all the time. So don’t worry if you don’t feel the same way she does at the same time she does. In fact, you can feel that she’s your soulmate and that she may not reciprocate those feelings — [i]and[/i] it doesn’t mean you can’t have a long-term commitment. 🙂 Sometimes soulmates are children or friends — not spouses. And, yes, sometimes a soulmate is even an ex with whom things didn’t work out. But soulmates aren’t necessarily, always spouses. So, if you can accept the fact that you and she may have different feelings for each other, but that you’re committed to each other — you can move forward in the relationship, happily.

The problem is that she’s telling [i]you[/i] all this, when she should be debriefing with her best friends, not her partner. Since she’s not interested in acting on her feelings, it’s curious that she’s telling them to you, hopefully knowing you well enough to understand this will hurt you. She may just be a sensitive and dramatic person who feels that the truth is more important than keeping the relationship going, and that the truth will ultimately bring the two of you closer together. Or…. she may just be selfish and not caring about your feelings as much as she’s interested in unburdening her own onto you.

You can talk to you about how this hurts you because you love her so deeply you want to be the only one she wants…. or you can decide that this isn’t a phase she’s going through and something she’s working out, and instead, it’s her letting you know that you’ll never be enough for her. 😕

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re really clear on the problem, which is good: Your partner has a long-standing relationship with his ex, with whom he trash talks you. He also cheats and lies. You’ve talked to him about most of this, and although he says he’s going to try and change things, but he doesn’t. Got it.

The problem is not him, though. His behavior isn’t very pleasant or nice — but it’s consistent, and after four and a half years together, like it or not, you know who and what you’re dealing with.

It’s time for you to stop being the victim and putting yourself into this situation where you know what to expect and that you’re not going to like it. If you want someone monogamous and loyal, you’re going to have to look elsewhere — he’s not that guy. You probably already know this, but you needed me to tell you. Sometimes hearing someone else say what you know helps you to move forward.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

We all have feelings — but it doesn’t mean we act on them. 😉 Just because you have feelings for your husband’s best friend doesn’t mean you should do anything about them. Sometimes a crush is just a crush. You haven’t really mentioned anything about your five year marriage — and if you want to stay in it, or leave it. If you want to stay, then you should consider your feelings towards your husband’s friend as just a crush and turn your focus towards your marriage, but enjoy the crush in a flirty and innocent way. But if you want to leave the marriage, then you should do so — without creating drama by looking for someone to help get you out of it. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got a good handle on how difficult it is for him to transition from his long stints in the marines and then coming home to land. So when you do contact him, instead of telling him you’re disappointed in the way he contacted you or didn’t contact you, and instead of giving him directions, try a different tact. Show him how happy you are that he’s home. Make it a great welcome — and let go of the little things that may set him off or make him want more space (instead of less). You’ve been dating for a year and a half, and he’s been away on a ship for the last seven months — that’s a big chunk of your relationship, and if he needs to regroup before he contacts you, try to empathize. Long distance relationships are tough, and I understand why you’re concerned and anxious that he didn’t let you know as soon as he got home, but your LDR is particularly unique because he’s on a ship. Give him some a little extra slack because of that special circumstance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you date someone who’s recently broken up from a long-term partner, as your boyfriend of two months has, there’s a good chance you’re the rebound relationship. When people break up, they sometimes date to get over their hurt. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, but it could mean that he’s not really ready to be in a committed relationship with you. Those messages you found between him and his ex are clues that he’s still working out the break up. Break ups can take a long time to get over and some people get over them alone, while others get over them while dating other people. Since the two of you have only been dating for two months in real life, you have a lot to learn about each other, so try to loosen up a little about your expectations. Use this first three months of dating to just get to know each other and simply decide if you want to continue seeing each other. Take the pressure of being a couple off while you’re in this early stage and try to be open about who you both are and who you can be (or can’t be) as a couple.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re both 15 and life can get really complicated quickly at that age! Suddenly there are crushes and dates and your friendships get complicated by mutual crushes and dueling crushes and dating the same person or dating someone your friend likes — and you’re in the thick of it! The first thing to remember is that it’s okay to be uncomfortable with these new relationship dynamics. If you and your friend both have a crush on the same person, it’s normal to have awkward feelings. So, try and be open about it. When relationships get awkward and complicated — admit your feelings. Tell your friend how awkward you feel. This will clear the air and allow her to tell you how she feels, bringing the two of you closer. She probably feels uncomfortable for having withheld that date secret from you, and by talking about, she’ll feel better, as well you. You’ll be able to tell her that you were hurt that she didn’t confide in you about her date until much later — but that you really do understand why she did what she did. Being open and honest with your friend also puts things in perspective. When you open up and expose your feelings to your friend, you have opportunities to practice honesty, intimacy between friends and to talk about what’s making your relationship awkward.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand that you feel betrayed. You didn’t know about this account and having stumbled on it, and sussed it out, you feel that his secret interaction with other women is threatening to your relationship. But before you freak out completely, pause and consider what it is he’s looking for in this social media account, and what he’s getting out of it. Is there a part of your relationship with him that isn’t working for him? Is he looking elsewhere for a certain fulfillment? Are the two of you having any problems — maybe problems that you didn’t think were that big a deal? Maybe these random women make him feel important and valuable. So take a breath and use this discovery as an opportunity to reconnect with your boyfriend and to learn more about why he’s connecting on this social media account, what he’s getting out of it, and what you and he can do within the relationship you already have, to get his needs met so he doesn’t have to look elsewhere. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This all falls within the realm of normal. As a friend, you should definitely be honest and express your concern, but you shouldn’t create drama where there is none. 😕 For what it’s worth, I don’t think the age gap or the fact that your friend’s love interest is her summer camp boss, are problems unless the camp has a policy that adults are not allowed to date each other. They’re both single and they’re both over the age of 18 — and unless your state has some law about not dating 18 year olds, I don’t see the issue. I appreciate that you’re concerned about your friend getting hurt, but be careful that you’re not moralizing about a situation that isn’t yours to moralize on. 😉 So, do be a good friend and let her know how you feel, but also tell her that you’ll support her and be there for her because she’s your friend. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’ve already answered your question here: .

Please do not create multiple accounts for the same person. If you want a quick and/or private response, you’re welcome to opt for a premium answer from me! 🙂 That will get answered within 24 hours and often quicker than that!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s something missing here…. he hasn’t really approached you as a date. 😉 It sounds like he’s looking for a ready made family that he can join and match with his — but it’s very important that the two of you have a romantic connection beyond his making dinner for you and the kids and doing things with and for the kids. It sounds like he may be using the kids to leverage his relationship with you, and I think you need to wait and see if he asks you out on a date and if the two of you can have a romantic relationship without the kids around. Dating is a scary prospect for a lot of people — especially those who feel burned by a divorce. So, he may be trying to avoid getting hurt and that’s why he’s kind of backing into this relationship instead of going into it face first. The reality is that you can’t protect yourself from hurt — it happens. There’s no love insurance. 🙂 And once he realizes this, he may be more interested in trying to have a romance with you, come what may, and that’s when you’ll know that he’s not just interested — but he’s ready.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re going into an arranged marriage and it sounds like the arrangement isn’t so great for you. 😕 Why not talk to the parents who are dong the arranging — yours and hers — and explain the situation and how you feel about it. This is a different dynamic than a the kind of marriage where two adults decide to get married. Since your parents are all arranging the relationship for you, they’re the ones you should talk to about your concerns with the woman they chose and the way the relationship dynamic is playing out. The success of an arranged marriage depends on the husband and wife and how committed they are to making the marriage work. It sounds like she’s not as interested as you are in the success of this marriage and it’s much better to talk to your parents about this now, before the wedding.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to change the dynamic in the relationship. You’re in the friend zone because you’re treating her more like a friend than a girlfriend. 😉 You have to be the one to act like a boyfriend, not a friend. So ask her out on a date — and if she won’t go, be disappointed, but do move on. If she sees you’re not going to be her friend and are really interested in her as a girlfriend or a date, she can make the choice to be that person or not — but when you’re offering her friendship you’re helping to create the situation you’re in (and don’t want to be in!). Besides, women like men who are popular and successful at dating, and if she sees what she’s missing out on, she may be more interested in you. So, yes — do pursue her — but not as a friend. Be the guy who gets the date, not the friend zone. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He likes you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You and your boyfriend have broken up four times in two years and he’s making it very clear that he loves you but he wants to date other people. 🙁 The tough part for you is to understand that love isn’t enough to make a relationship work when you want a commitment and he isn’t ready to give it to you. That this is a long distance relationship makes it even tough to make monogamy work because you can’t see each other that often. I think that you have to accept that if you want a commitment, he isn’t going to be the one to give it to you. He can give you love — but he’s also going to be dating other women. Bottom line is that this isn’t a relationship where you’re going to be happy because the two of you have incompatible relationship goals. Time to move on. 😉

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