[April Masini, your AskApril]

You wrote in your pre-posting questionnaire that you’ve been in a 6 month long distance relationship with this guy, and that you see him every other month — which means you’ve had about 3 dates in person. That’s still the time frame when the two of you are deciding if you want to continue dating and if you want to be monogamous. Playing the field during this time is not only normal, it’s healthy. Because you blasted him for being unreachable one night, he decided this wasn’t going to work for him, so he’s pretty much walked away from the relationship he has with you. He’s not responding to your calls, emails or texts. He’s being clear that it’s over.

What you can learn for next time is that blowing up a guy’s phone because he’s not around isn’t going to endear him to you. He has every right to be out for the night — the two of you aren’t monogamous, in-town or long-term. If you’re going to get mad at him for playing the field, this isn’t the right relationship for you. You could have had a peaceful conversation about this, or just realized that he’s dating or busy — but blowing up his phone was a crucial error in an early relationship. Dating is competitive, and if he’s playing the field you can’t force him to be monogamous — you have to win him over so that he wants to be. That’s the key piece of advice I’d ask you to consider. 😉 Hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You made a mistake. Tell her that you made a mistake and hire an attorney to help you extricate yourself from you legal obligation to her. If you can’t afford an attorney then go to a court and ask for help. It’s that simple. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that since you’ve been together for three years, and you’re both in your mid-30s, and he’s now started seeing someone else, you should focus on the breakup and creating a new life for yourself. Whether or not he starts missing you — he’s left you like this after three years of dating and buying a house together. It’s not a very polite, respectful or thoughtful way of moving on — and I know you’re hurt, but really — you can do better than this. 😉 The way a person breaks up with you is very indicative of their character. Next!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’re both 18, there’s a really good chance he doesn’t have a lot of dating experience and he’s responding to you with some anxiety — which is what you’re picking up on when it’s just the two of you. This is normal. It really does sound like he likes you. If you want him to ask you out, then you have to give him a little confidence by showing him how you feel. You can make small talk. You can compliment him. You can ask his advice or ask him questions to get the ball rolling. And flirt with him whenever possible. Guys want to know that they’re not going to fail, and that’s why flirting is such a great tool because it gives the guy a hint that you like him, too, and it sets the stage for him to ask you out with such a fear of failure as he might otherwise have. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask him to join you in doing some fun things — whether it’s going to a movie, having coffee together, going for a walk or whatever you like to do that’s fun. When you invite someone to spend time with you doing an activity, you get to know them and you get to see how you get along and you get to see if he likes you the same way you like him! Take the first step and ask him to join you on some sort of fun adventure. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you said in your pre-posting questionnaire that you’ve only been dating for six months, and because you met online, only met once in the last four months. It’s way too soon for you to be marrying this guy. You don’t know him well enough to marry him, and he clearly doesn’t know you well enough to marry. 😉 You’ve been lying to him — and there’s a good chance he’s been lying to you. That’s why time is a great friend to all relationships. 🙂

My advice, in addition to slowing things down and waiting until you’ve had a year of in person, regular dating to decide if you want to marry him, is to be honest and truthful. The fact that he’s asking you a lot of questions about the number of men you’ve slept with, means he knows, deep down, that you’re not telling the truth. He’s going to find out eventually, and if it’s after a marriage, or after your having children, the stakes are so much higher and the pain will be so much greater than if you’re honest now. It’s much better if you confess and he finds out from you and not from someone else, what the truth of your history is.

I know you’re afraid of losing him, but that fear won’t go away until you tell him the truth — he’s already onto the fact that something isn’t right. 🙁

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you mentioned in your pre-posting questionnaire that you are 40 and he’s 38, it’s important to note that someone who’s never had a relationship before age 40 is working with a different set of experiences than those of us who have had a few by that age. There are lots of good reasons why people don’t engage in relationships — for instance if they’re focused on a career, they are raising a child, or they want to be financially stable before dating to commit. But if the reason for not being in a relationship is something else — like fear of failure or fear of being hurt, you may be with someone who is not willing to be in a relationship and make a long-term commitment the way you’d like. It’s your job to figure that out. 😉 That’s what the dating process is for — to learn about the person you’ve chosen to spend time with and decide if you have the same goals, are compatible and want to make it work.

You don’t mention what the fight that triggered the cool down in the relationship was about. If it was about a deal breaker for him, he may be backing off. Or if he saw a side of you that scared him, that may be why he’s backing off. I also don’t know how long the two of you have been cooled down since the argument. If it’s been a short amount of time, you may need to heal and you’ll be fine. But if it’s months, you may be in the midst of a tacit breakup without realizing it.

In general, if you’ve been dating for a year or more, and you both have marriage or a long-term commitment as a goal, you should be able to achieve that goal. If you can’t, then it’s time to reassess the relationship you’re in. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She likes you! Ask her out on a date now, for the time she’s going to be in your city. Plan something special and get to know her in person, off-line.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes! You should ask her out now. 🙂 Ask in person — not by text. Text is impersonal and sends the message that the date is a “throwaway” and not important. When you ask her in person you’re showing respect and value of her time and response. In addition, women love hearing a man’s voice. It’s one of the most surprising ways that women are attracted to men. So use it! Also, you’ll see her expressions and body language and those will be big clues as to her feelings about you and the date. I hope that helps. Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. Your rage is understandable — when a mother feels her relationship with her children is threatened, her feelings may become primal. That’s what’s going on. You’re also upset that your boyfriend didn’t co-parent with you in a more communicative way. He could have told you he had a girlfriend who was staying over and spending time with your children. The way you found out, through the kids, was hurtful. I get it.

That said…. now you’re back together and you’re still angry whenever you see her. The way to get over this is to take a breath (or ten!) and process what happened. There are some places in the timeline where you did things that didn’t serve you. For instance, moving out of your home and leaving your ex and your children there was not a smart move for you. It created a space to be filled — and your ex at the time did just that. There was always a chance that he would start dating once you split up, and since you left the family home, it would make sense that his dates would be coming there and spending time there. If he had left, or if you had both given up the house and found two smaller new ones, you might not have been so hurt. The other thing you have to remember is that people are human and they make agreements and they break them. While you were clear on the no-dating while separated agreement, your at the time ex didn’t go for it. Right or wrong, that’s a possibility in any “break” or break up that happens to a couple.

The woman your then-ex/now partner dated didn’t really do anything wrong. She was kind to your kids. She accepted your then ex’s invitation to stay in the house. Your rage is misplaced. It wasn’t her that created this situation. It was your ex, and to a certain extent, your actions as well. I know it’s hard not to blame a third party, but it’s not going to help you get over this blind rage. Instead, focus on the relationship you have with your partner and work on whatever it was that split the two of you up for the year you were apart. If you can’t, and you do wind up separated again, do things differently based on what you know. 😉

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s a 25 year old guy who isn’t ready for a serious commitment, and is telling you that by saying he probably won’t fall in love with you. This is his way of protecting himself from feeling guilty if things don’t work out, by giving you this information as an out so that if you’re disappointed, he’ll have warned you and if you stay with him, it’s at your own risk. Telling you he won’t fall in love with you is like asking you to accept this agreement in advance.

That said, he likes you and he enjoys being with you — but since you said there’s less contact now between your times together in person, that’s because he doesn’t want to “service” the relationship the way people who are committed, work at relationships. In between seeing each other, people building a commitment usually demonstrate a connection by texting, calling, sending gifts, doing nice things, asking how the other is and checking up on them because they want a relationship. He’s not interested in doing these things. His feelings for you are genuine, but they’re limited. This is different from the way you conduct your life, so consider the differences between you and use this opportunity to learn about him — and yourself! If you want to continue seeing him, be aware of his current limitations and what he means when he says he won’t fall in love. But also know that life is fluid and this may change in the future.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he’s distracted with family issues. If he won’t talk to you about them, then you should understand that he doesn’t feel close enough to you to divulge them. This could be temporary because he doesn’t feel the two of you are close enough to do that yet — or it could be permanent and this is just who he is when it comes to family. Or, he may not be as into you as you imagined and this is the way you’re figuring that out.

Usually when a couple is moving towards something serious they talk about their families because they want to share and they want you to be part of their family and understand the dynamics. Since you’ve been dating for a year now, and this has come up, it’s a great opportunity for you to consider if this is someone you want to continue dating or not. You don’t have to feel trapped because you’re not married, you’re just dating. But you should see this crossroads as an opportunity to ask, learn and reconsider.

As for your questions about this other woman, you’ve asked him about her and he’s answered you. I think you’re right that it’s important not to pick at him or your relationship with him because you don’t completely believe him — because he’s given you his answer. For now, you have some observing and considering to do! Hang back, ask and listen, and stay open to all possibilities. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may be very compatible in so many ways, but if you’re not ready for a committed relationship, and you stay in one, you will begin to feel resentful and you’ll eventually act out to sabotage the relationship. This may come in the form of flirting with someone else or having an affair, or just picking fights and bickering until what’s good is gone. The reality is that the best relationships start with your own self knowledge and if you know you’re not ready to give up playing the field, because you feel that 20 is too young to make a commitment, then that is the regret you will feel more than having broken up with a wonderful guy who came along at the wrong time in your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s difficult to know whether this affair is the real thing or a symptom of the problems you’re having in your marriage. Since you have 18 years in your marriage and two children, and it sounds like you and your wife have just faded away and stopped connecting, (there’s no trauma, abuse or real criticism, just boredom), it may be worth a shot to rejuvenate your family life. This situation is very normal. Long-term relationships and marriages are tough to sustain and they take work. If you don’t do the work, they fade like yours has. But, if you love your wife and want to try and make your marriage work, you can. It would be interesting to know if she wants to work on the marriage as well. Sometimes it just takes one of you to pick up the ball and get things going. But if she’s also looking for the exit door, that would be good to know as well. I think that because you have such an investment in your marriage, it would be a good idea to give it real try — and if it doesn’t work, then you can leave knowing you really tried. The worst situation would be leaving with regrets, so try and do what you need to do to avoid those.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not that into you. 😳 If he was, he’d accept your friend request or try to contact you. When a guy likes you, he’ll let you know. It sounds like this guy had a really good time with you at the wedding you were both at, but he isn’t interested in getting in touch with you or connecting, now that it’s over and in the past. My advice is to move on. It was a fun wedding and you liked each other for the night — but he’s not interested in more than that. Sorry. Next! 😉

[Member]

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