[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not as big a mess as you think it is! 😉

What’s happening is that you’re clarifying the relationship. The undertones of attraction have always been there, and this episode of your having sex with your female friend was going to happen eventually, and it did. Sex changes relationships, and it’s not like anyone threw a monkey wrench into yours. The attraction was always there, and your true feelings and true self emerged after you two slept together.

Now, you want to be the boyfriend and have more romance as well as friendship with your friend, but she’s not having it. To go back to being just friends while you’re still wanting her, wouldn’t work. So your relationship is evolving — even if it what it’s evolving into isn’t what you want. (Or what she wants.) Be patient with yourself. Your instincts are correct — she wants you to be her guy friend without allowing more sex and romance.

I think you are wise to not return her calls and not see her as a friend any more. As you, yourself say, you are valuable as a man, and there are lots of woman who do and will want you for who you are. Don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t. I commend you for taking this relationship to the next level because it’s what you wanted, and seeing if there was a future together, but now that you have your answer, and the answer is no, it’s time to move on.

Get back out there. You deserve it all. Go get it all!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In order to be in any relationship you have to be in a certain healthy place yourself. And for the relationship to work, both people have to be ready. If your financial situation is a high priority, which it sounds like yours is since you’ve been out of work for a long time and just got a job (CONGRATULATIONS!!) that job has to take priority over your dating relationship because in order for you to be emotionally stress free to be in the relationship, you have to be able to put food on the table and a roof over your head. If you can’t feed and clothe yourself then you’re not going to be able to date well. So your job, even with it’s cumbersome hours, really has to be your focus right now.

If you turned down the job so that you could be available to date your boyfriend, you’d end up being resentful, or he’d end up feeling pressured and possibly resentful, and your financial problems would take a toll on the relationship and on you that would be greater than your not having a job and having financial pressures that would take it’s toll on the relationship and you.

So, keep the job. For now. It’s solving a big problem in your life (finances), and be grateful for that. In the meantime, however, continue to look for a job with better hours while you’re employed even though I know that job hunting and working at the same time is stressful. Share your plan with your boyfriend so that he understands that you’re trying to take care of yourself (which has to come first in order to be a healthy girlfriend), and that you’re trying to make things better for the relationship by looking for work with better hours while you’re in this job.

The relationship probably won’t sustain like this forever, but it will for a while because your boyfriend will understand that you’re doing the best that you can. The question is is he willing to have a girlfriend that he sees so little of. Don’t press the question. The ball’s in his court. You be your best self while taking care of business, and hope that the job market brings you a better job soon.

This isn’t ideal, but it’s a good reminder that life has ups and downs and we all have to weather them, even when there are costs. Put your big picture glasses on and celebrate the fact that you solved your financial problem by getting a new job, and now you have to look for a better one while keeping this one. The relationship comes second in this case.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words, and I’m always glad when I’m able to help! 😀

I have two pieces of advice for you regarding your friend:

First, in order to weather his moods and all over the map behavior, think about having a two year old little brother who hasn’t been entirely socialized, and reacts based on what he’s feeling even when it’s not appropriate! 😆 Little kids who aren’t fully socialized cry when they don’t get what they want, scream if their way isn’t exactly going right, grab what they want, eat anything that isn’t nailed down even if it’s on the floor. See if you can find the similarity and the humor in your friend’s two year old-like behavior.

Second, be forewarned. Your potential boyfriend has a significant behavior pattern that is going to make being in a relationship challenging for anyone who doesn’t have enormous resources for understanding, patience, and other pre-school teacher-like qualities. So tread carefully, my friend. If his behavior NOW is draining, as you write me it is, then imagine what you’ll feel like after dating him for several months.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I love Katdawg’s idea of organizing the purchase of the guitar, rather than shouldering the entire cost yourself. If you take up a collection from family and friends and suggest that they donate a certain amount towards the guitar, you could possibly get him the guitar he wants and stay within your budget!

However, if you want to give him something that’s just from you, that is entirely understandable. What I would suggest is telling him before his birthday that you wish you could buy him what he wants, but you just can’t swing it this year. That way you’ll avoid awkward moments when he opens whatever it is you do give him, and it’s not what he was expecting. It’ll be a lot easier on both of you if you acknowledge upfront his desire for you to buy him a guitar, and your inability to buy it for him.

I know it’s hard to disappoint someone you love, but being realistic and honest with those you love, is important in establishing and developing intimacy. Figure out what your budget is, and buy him something that you feel you can afford and that you know will be special for him. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your job is the one that is the straw that broke the camel’s back, since his hours, Monday through Friday until 6 p.m. are very normal. Your five day work week from Thursday through Tuesday overlaps every single weekend, which is normally when people date, and your work hours from 3 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. put you on a schedule that is entirely different from almost everyone else’s I would think.

Even if you were dating someone else who had a car and/or lived close to your home, the only days you could really date would be Tuesday night and Wednesday night. And it sounds like your schedule requires you to sleep during normal daylight hours so you can show up at work at 3 a.m.

I’m not sure how old you are, or if you’re in school as well as working, but your job hours are going to pose an impediment to any relationship that you’re in — even if you’re married and living with someone.

If this is a job you are truly committed to — for instance if this is a medical internship or some other crucial step in a career, I understand why you need these hours. Or if you’ve just come off a long stretch of unemployment, and having a job — any job — is crucial to your financial well being, I get it again. Otherwise, I think you need to look for a different job that has normal hours.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Great! Good luck. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Love is not enough for a healthy relationship. In fact, many, many, many relationships where love is genuine, fall apart because behavior is destructive.

In order to sustain a healthy, loving relationship, you have to work on your own behavior, and simultaneously, choose a man who has healthy behavior in relationships, himself. That quality of good, healthy behavior is so much more important than how sexy or handsome he is.

Since you are honest enough to cop to being mentally abusive yourself, you need to figure out how to change that behavior and practice doing so until you are no longer a person who is mentally abusive. It’s going to be impossible for you to have a healthy relationship until you do so.

Accept your boyfriend’s breaking up with you, and use this time to focus on yourself. Try NOT dating and instead, just living a healthy single life where you watch yourself whenever you think you are being mentally abusive — and after you begin to recognize each time you are, then start stopping yourself. This is a lot harder to do than to think about, but if you are committed to being in a healthy romantic relationship, I know you’ll see the value in the hard work.

In addition, whenever you notice mentally abusive behavior in someone else, back away — and not just to the curb — release that person from your life, and limit any contact with mentally abusive behavior. Make your life one that is healthy and happy and you’ll start attracting other healthy and happy people to it.

I hope this helps! Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sure, I’ll be your mentor — let me know what you need that you’re not getting from this site! In the meantime, glad to have you here. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re ALMOST getting it!! 😆

Being positive, attentive and caring is great behavior — for a friend! 😮 But, if you want this guy to want you [i]as a girlfriend[/i], then you have to give him [i]girlfriend[/i] vibes — not friend vibes. Checking up on him when he’s ill is very motherly and friendly. But it’s not necessarily girlfriend behavior. Backing him up at work is very supportive in a professional way. But again, it’s not necessarily girlfriend behavior. What you’re missing is that romance, intimacy and sexuality. 😎 That’s what he wants to know you have interest in with him.

When you let him know how sexy he looks in a particular sweater, there’s no way to misconstrue that compliment as friendly or motherly. That’s full on girlfriend interest — and it’s going to make him feel great in the way that a man does when he’s interested in a woman as more than just a friend or a caretaker. And because you bestowed him with that compliment full of interest, he’s going to associate his feeling great with you.

Get it? 😉

Flirting is one of a woman’s greatest tools and you’ll get so many tips in my book, which you can actually download here, immediately 🙂 , at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Body language, knowing what men want (and I don’t just mean sex), and playing your cards just right are all really important for getting the guy!

I’m glad you ordered the book — I’m so anxious for you to read it and really put to use all the tools in it’s content for the purpose of letting this guy know you’re truly interested!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s great to know yourself and who you are and aren’t compatible with — it will save you from wasting years of your life dating the wrong men!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you like this guy because he is charming, but you don’t trust him. 🙁 It’s going to be very hard for you to be charming, loving, generous and your best self when you feel that your boyfriend isn’t loyal to you. 😕 So, aside from wanting a man who is charming, you need to be with someone who you can feel vulnerable and safe with. Only then will you be able to give him your whole heart and not get angry or argumentative. With this guy, you lash out because you’re scared he’s not going to be there for you when you need him — and you’re right. He’s already shown you he’s not there for you.

Some of this problem may be a result of the long distance nature of your relationship, and perhaps you should rule out dating guys who aren’t living in your area code and see if that makes you feel better about the men you’re with. Long distance is hard to sustain because you can’t really build a life together as easily as if you lived closer together.

I know that you want this guy to be trustworthy and loving to you, and someone who brings out your best qualities when you’re with him, but he’s not, and you’re upset because you’re trying to wish him into being someone else.

The best way for you to figure out if you want to continue to date him is to be the woman you want to be with the man you want to be with! In other words, if he doesn’t call you or text you — don’t call or text him. Just because he doesn’t return your calls doesn’t mean you have to be the woman who calls and texts over and over just to get his attention. [b]Be[/b] the woman who [b][i]gets[/i][/b] the calls and texts — not the one who doesn’t! 😆 If he doesn’t call you or return your calls, that doesn’t mean you have to chase him. In fact — DON’T! [i]Allow[/i] yourself to be the woman who is [b]worth[/b] calling and texting. And don’t tell him that his friends come ahead of you — when that isn’t what you want at all! Men want a woman who respects herself enough to put herself first in line when it’s appropriate for her to be first in line, and if you’re his girlfriend and the love of his life, then you belong in the front of the line. Naturally!

If he doesn’t call you back, continually, then let him be and move on to find someone who is not just charming, but attentive and loyal and desirous of you and interested in returning your phone calls! You deserve that.

I think you’d do really well to read my book called Think & Date Like A Man that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book will help you A LOT when it comes to finding Mr. Right — and getting him — AND KEEPING HIM 😎 . I think you’ll love the book and you’ll feel a lot better after reading it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gee — I know you said that this is a complicated relationship, but it doesn’t really sound complicated. In fact, it sounds pretty simple. The complication may be in your head because while your relationship is pretty clear, what you want may be different than what you have, and you haven’t really articulated that [i]you[/i] want anything else. You just want to know how to tell what [i]he[/i] wants. 😕

I think that the question you meant to ask is: How do I change the course of my relationship from friends with benefits to a boyfriend chasing a girlfriend to capture her and get her to marry him?

The problem with friends with benefits relationships is that it is hard to tell where you stand because there’s no momentum because there’s no goal! It’s also hard to reroute them mid-relationship. When you choose to date in a more traditional sense, the rituals and traditions let you know where you are in the relationship — and where he is! For example, first dates lead to second dates lead to third dates. Somewhere after that time you decide whether or not to have sex with each other, and he’ll want to tell you he loves you at some point. Then you get to say it back. You see how those simple landmarks all build towards something that friends with benefits doesn’t?

It’s also really easy for old friends or boyfriends to fly under the dating radar since you have a history with them and first dates or second dates just don’t feel natural (not that they ever do! 😆 ), and it’s a lot easier to slip into a friends with benefits situation with an old friend than with someone you’d never met before. With your friend, now that you want to change the dynamic of the relationship, you have a lot at stake — you have an old friend you may lose if you scare him off — yet if you don’t risk it, you may lose what’s really important to you that you’re not able to speak of just yet: marrying this guy!

The best way to figure out if your friend wants you as more than just a friend with benefits is to notice if he treats you like more than just that friend with benefits. If he introduces you as his girlfriend, you’ll know that he wants you to be just that. Better yet, if he introduces you to his friends — and introduces you as his girlfriend — you’ll know that he wants everyone to know he’s claimed you as his. And if he’s really interested in marrying you, he’ll introduce you to his family because he’ll want to show you off and get their approval and to like you and welcome you into the fold.

Obviously, if he starts talking about making plans for combined living arrangements, since you both have children, you’ll know that he’s definitely serious.

However, since it’s already pretty easy for him to be with you, have sex with you, and enjoy each other’s children, he may want to just keep going the way things are indefinitely. If so, it’s up to you to decide if that’s how you want to proceed, since that’s the path you’ve taken with him up to now. If you don’t, you’re going to have to stop being so available to him the way you have been, and start being flirtatious yet unavailable enough to evoke his wanting you enough to date you! This is a lot harder than starting out as a date, but you can do it!

I hope this helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Coming home for winter break doesn’t have to change things, but it can. It sounds like whatever happened to your boyfriend during winter break, he’s decided he’s not interested in being a couple any more. It’s hard to accept that someone doesn’t have the same feelings that you do at the same time, but that’s what makes relationships so tricky!

I know that his changing his mind about you seems funny or odd to you, but it’s impossible for you to know what he’s feeling and what he’s doing when he’s not with you. That said, one day you WILL meet a guy who wants to be with you during winter break — or if he can’t be with you, will want you in his heart and mind even when he’s not with you.

Winter break doesn’t have to be like this, and not all men react the same way. The thing about dating is that it takes these kinds of experiences to understand that people are different, and the more time you spend dating the more you’ll get to know who is right and who isn’t — for YOU!!

I’m sorry that this relationship didn’t work out for you, but don’t give up hope. There’s someone out there for you, and now you’re free to find him. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Welcome — I’m glad you’re here! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend needs a lot of attention and hasn’t figured out a successful way to get it, so instead, he sulks, stomps, interrupts and blows up. He preempts your answering questions with his own responses and freaks out when you don’t meet him exactly where you said you would because he wants things to go his own way. Someone like this is going to collide with frustration eventually, because no one gets their own way all of the time, and I doubt he’s going to get all the attention he wants when he wants it. It sounds like his mini tantrums ARE the frustration he’s feeling from not getting enough attention, being expressed.

Your friend probably did and does have feelings for you — but I have a feeling his feelings are all over the map! 😕 He probably likes you, is frustrated with you, is angry at you, feels possessive of you — and that’s just for starters. I’m quite sure that his ineffective behavior and expression of these feelings is not just about you. My guess is that he has trouble expressing appropriate behavior with other people and in other circumstances, as well.

You can’t change his behavior, but you can change your own. Boundaries are a good place to start since he’s a work colleague. I think that’s what Katdawg was referring to when she said to be nice and professional with him. You don’t want to get into a heated argument over his behavior at work. Instead, practice ignoring his bad behavior, and/or removing yourself from any unpleasant situations he creates for you.

Practice not being reactive to him, as much as taking the lead and doing what you think is appropriate in social situations where the two of you wind up. Don’t be the victim around him, and you won’t feel like you’re being controlled.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[Member]

Posts