[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forgiveness is difficult. Balancing forgiveness with the reality of a long distance relationship while the two of you are in two different colleges in two different states is even more difficult.

Your heart must be crushed because your girlfriend cheated on you, but [i]you[/i] really opened the door to her doing so by actually suggesting it would turn you on if she were to have sex with another man and then send you a video of the act. It was kind of an invitation for a threesome, although all three of you wouldn’t be in the same room at the same time. That she did this for you was even more outrageous than your suggesting she do it, but it’s hard to blame her completely for this. It’s also going to be hard for you to get that image out of your head. This was a mistake that you [i]both[/i] made.

My suggestion is that you do nothing for now. No drama. You need to understand that it’s very hard for either one of you to not date others because of your distance from each other, your age, and the fact that college is a time when dating and sex are extremely common forms of experimentation.

What’s more important for you to figure out is why you wanted to see her having sex with another man. You’re going to have to dig deep to get to the truth, but it’s important for your peace of mind.

If you can find tolerance for yourself and for each other, and understanding that it’s hard to maintain a long distance relationship, then you have a shot at actually seeing if what you have is strong enough to sustain all these obstacles. Time and self knowledge are going to be your tests. You can salvage your relationship, but you’re both going to have to want to.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Anon gave some great advice here. Thank you so much for sharing your own personal story and what you learned from your situation! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to be a little more realistic about your situation. If you’ve lived very far away from each other for the last half of your three year relationship, and given your ages of 19 and 20, it’s not normal for you to expect him not to date, and vice verse.

It also sounds like he has spent good time with you on your winter break together, but you need more from him than he is willing to give you. Rather than accept that he’s not interested in the same intensity that you are, you’re looking for reasons why he acts the way he does.

It’s hard when one person in a relationship wants less from the relationship than the other person, but that’s what you have. He’s not being unreasonable by seeing you three days a week during break, but it’s just not enough for you, and it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay or go.

I would encourage you not to call and text him to ask him to hang out, but rather to let him be the one to set the dating schedule. Your calls and texts are making him feel pressured to spend time with you he doesn’t necessarily want to. That’s not making him feel very good about your relationship. In addition to which you can get a much clearer picture of what he wants from you in the way of time together in a relationship if you let him set the dating agenda.

I think the real problem here is that a long distance relationship isn’t working for you. You’d be much happier with a boyfriend who is geographically desirable — at least for most of the year!

My advice to you is to not create drama, but rather accept what your boyfriend wants in the relationship. When you go back to school after winter break, consider dating other men. It’s too much pressure on you to have to wonder if your long distance boyfriend is cheating on you and then not getting your dating needs met during the winter, spring and summer college breaks when he’s near you, but he’s got other friends he wants to spend time with instead of being with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your lover’s behavior is hot and cold because your relationship is hot and cold. Your flirting is hot and your acknowledgement that you’re both married to other people makes it cold. That’s the nature of what you have, have always had, and will probably continue to have.

He’s stopped e-mailing you because the two of you agreed not to rendezvous any more. He’s kicking your chair and staring at you because he misses not having those rendezvous’.

It’s really pretty simple.

The ball is in your court and you have to decide if you want to continue the status quo, break off the office flirtation and affair as it is, or dive further into what you have together, risking your marriage, and maybe his, too. Your call.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

A healthy body requires more than one organ to keep it running. It requires a heart, lungs, a liver, a pancreas and a brain among other things. If you take away any of these organs your body isn’t going to run so well and the stress on the other organs increases — sometimes with a fatal result.

You are relying on only a couple of parts of your body in deciding whether or not to stay with your boyfriend, and of those parts you’re only relying on parts of them. Your heart has feelings for this guy — although the feelings are mixed. And you’re sexually attracted to him, although most women become attracted to men that they have sex with for the first time. What you’re not using is your brain. 😮

Time to dust off that big brain of yours and start using it! Feelings are never enough to sustain a long term relationship when there are other problems. And in fact, that’s what you’ve been doing, and that’s why you’re so confused and upset.

Treat your decision like a math problem: You’ve got a guy with a history of cheating on you. That’s fact, not “what if” thinking. You’re 19 years old, in college and ready to be sexually active — it makes sense that you’d choose someone you’re familiar with who isn’t as frightening to you as a man you’ve just met or someone who’s still out there. Your boyfriend’s not meeting your needs because he spends so much time with his friends and doesn’t respect your feelings. Add that all up, and you’ve got a relationship going that isn’t really great for you.

There is a reason you don’t feel that you deserve better, and I suspect it stems from your parents acceptance and approval of this guy who’s already cheated on you twice. Would you want a boyfriend for your daughter who did that to her? My guess is no. So understand that your parents have some esteem issues themselves, and make a decision to adopt your own separate feelings of self esteem that are different from what you’ve learned from your parents. Decide that you deserve a man who is loyal, respectful and socially compatible with you — and don’t settle (especially at your young age) for anything else! 😉

Until you can do the brainwork that is required for you to see your relationship for what it is, you’re going to continue to delude yourself by “working on the beautiful relationship” you think you’re building with a guy who’s shown you his true colors that you’ve ignored. 🙁

Feelings are one thing, but behavior is what makes relationships successful or failures. Work on your own behavior and then look for someone with compatible behavior, values, and yes, feelings.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Looks like you posted this question twice! See my response and advice on your duplicate post.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Great! You’re welcome. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can help you! 🙂

First of all, the problems you describe all have to do with you acquiescing to what he wants. This is unfortunately normal for lots of young women and even older women! If you can learn to say no, now, you won’t feel like a victim so much with him, and you’ll be happier. For instance, if it’s expensive and grueling physically for you to visit him, don’t. It’s that easy. Just say no, I can’t visit you because it’s too expensive, and I’d rather rest at home since I’m pregnant. You have zero obligation to visit him. I think once you realize and own this you’ll feel a LOT better. 🙂

Second, if you don’t want to have sex with him, don’t. Again, it’s that easy. He’s not forcing you to have sex with him, and you don’t have to! Just say no, walk out of the room, and don’t do it. His wanting sex 2,3,4 or 5 times a day is his business. You giving it to him is yours.

Third, you’re going to have to find a way to weather his bad behavior. If he gets upset that you’re not visiting him or not having sex with him or not responding to his displays of public affection, you have to not react. This is harder to do than to talk about, but until you can let him sulk or freak out without having it be your problem, you’re going to continue to be upset. So learn not to react to his emotional displays of annoyance or affection. Learn to find the humor in the situation if you can, and if you can’t, limiting the time you spend with him will limit the amount of his bad behavior that you’re exposed to and you won’t feel so upset by it! 😉

Fourth, you don’t have to be his girlfriend, you know. In fact, you don’t have to see him at all. You can be a single mother and you can be a single pregnant woman who isn’t dating anyone. So if you don’t want to see him or be with him romantically, it really doesn’t matter if he loves you or not. You have a choice in your own behavior. Exercise that choice.

When you do have the baby, it’s important that you take on your responsibility as the baby’s mother, and file with the court for full custody of the baby and make a request of the court that the father of your baby pay child support. While you may think this is a hassle taking these steps will eliminate even bigger hassles down the line. Your baby deserves that support. Do understand that the father will be legally entitled to visitation with the baby and eventually some custody of the baby regardless of whether you want him to see the child or not. He will have rights to the child — not you. And he will have responsibilities to the child, as well. It will be better for the child if you have a civil relationship with this guy — but if he can’t do that, then all you can do is try.

I hope that helps. Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please re-read my post.

I’ll quote what I wrote you last week at the end of my advice:

[i]I hope after reading this post, if you still don’t know what to do, you follow my directions anyway. Your boyfriend is a loser who has a screw loose for wanting to date, live with and marry a teenager. Don’t fall into his trap. Go home, get back in school, and then write me with any other questions so I can help you stay on track.[/i]

Since you’re still confused, try following my advice. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Just do it! I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, you’re going to continue to feel confused, depressed, and isolated. 😥 You have to break your pattern.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think that affection is the real issue here. I think you’re upset because he’s not pulling his weight financially, and as a single mother with two children, finances are, and should be, of concern. Since you’ve been dating seven months now, you’re wondering if this relationship will become permanent, and you’re anticipating what that will look like, so to speak. When you realized that his not chipping in financially or helping out with chores around the house in spite of all the time he spends there was upsetting you, you saw the potential and probable problem that is going to blossom in any future you have together, and you tried to broach these issues with him. He shut you down and refuses to discuss these issues that are of concern to you, and now you realize you’re in a flashing yellow light intersection of your relationship. 😮

Here’s how to deal with your problem:

First of all, understand exactly what you want from a man. This is really important. Then look at who you’re with and see if he’s giving you what you need to be happy. It’s fine to claim he’s devoted to you, but stop being a mother for a minute, and put on your girlfriend hat. Why shouldn’t a man be devoted to you? You’re deserving of devotion, and you probably have great kids that many men would get along with and be grateful for. So get a little perspective on his devotion. True devotion is great, but you’re not a charity case. Besides. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship over time — as you’re now finding out!

Second of all, you need to take care of yourself better. If you think he’s taking advantage of you, then put on your big girl pants and don’t let him take advantage of you. You can do this by limiting your time together. Rather than invite him over every weekday evening and every weekend, pull back. Don’t be available to him all that time. Instead, when he asks to come over, tell him you’re busy. Tell him you have chores to do so you can’t see him until Saturday night. Guide the relationship back on track to one of romance and dating rather than his being a family member and acting like a child instead of a man when he’s in your house and you ending up acting like a mother to him — this isn’t just his fault. You play a part in this dynamic. So if you don’t like it, change your behavior. This is going to take some discipline on your part, but I know you can do it! 🙂 You have to reclaim yourself and your home and only share it when a man is worthy of your sharing it with him. Don’t be a victim in your relationship. You have the ability and the power to ask for what you want, say no if you’re not getting it, and move on at any time.

And lastly, don’t make your car so available to him. If he suggests you drive, tell him that you’d rather not — you’re trying to save money on gas, and it would be better for you if he drives. It’s probably hard to say that kind of thing because you’re so used to being a mother and taking care of people, but you have to start seeing yourself as a desirable girlfriend, too, and wearing that hat a lot more often.

Don’t be afraid to consider that this guy is not Mr. Right. Let yourself reconsider what it is you want and need in a man, and whether or not your current boyfriend is going to be that man for you.

I hope that helps! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Feelings are not enough to make a relationship work. 🙁 If your girlfriend is still living with her ex-boyfriend, she’s not available to be your girlfriend — or even to be your date! 😕 No matter how many feelings the two of you have for each other, she’s just not available and that means that the two of you are not compatible.

Make a decision, [i]and act on it[/i], that you will no longer date her until she’s truly single, and by truly single, I mean living on her own. It’s a really good rule of thumb to use when you’re considering dating anyone.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

SO HAPPY that my advice worked for you! 😀

Thanks for the feedback.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad you’re here! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help! 😀

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