[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not going to like hearing this, but he’s using you for your money and in order to keep his fantasy life alive. Your best bet is to stop enabling him. That’s the only way you’re going to see who he really is instead of fooling yourself that he’s ever going to get it together.

Actions speak louder than words and this guy has left you! 🙁 Let go and let him get his life together. By continuing to talk to him on the phone you are fanning the flames of his seeing [b]you[/b] 🙄 as his knight in shining armor who’s going to save him and will always be there for him. This is not a good dynamic for any man to have with his girlfriend, fiance or spouse. In fact, it’s just as bad for you to be acting like “the guy” and denying any guy in your life the role of taking charge and being the one who feels so proud of himself for rescuing a situation. 🙁

He may or may not come back, but regardless, he’s not treating you like a boyfriend who respects you or who wants any kind of healthy and happy future with you. I wish you could wrap your head around that and see it. You are too intelligent to fool yourself any more. (Buckle up — here comes the harsh stuff.)

He’s left you. He chose his family over you. That’s not what a guy who wants to marry you or commit to you does. He’s moved out of state. It’s over. Now you just have to accept it and act like you’re broken up instead of clinging to your part in the fantasy.

Here’s how you do it:

1. Close out the joint bank account. You’re not a couple any more. Send him a check for half of whatever is in it.

2. Change his cell phone account so that you are no longer responsible for any part of the account. (Are you his mother?? Why are you paying his cell phone bills?)

3. Take your name off of the electric bill at his brother’s house in another state immediately. This was not a smart move to begin with, so correct it. You shouldn’t be rescuing him or enabling him or his family. This doesn’t help him get back on his feet. It prolongs his problems and it keeps him from being “the man”.

Stop looking for mixed messages that aren’t there. This guy is a mess and you should expect more of the same from him. He’s all over the map with his life and his emotions, and the way he’s treating you (not to mention himself) isn’t healthy. The only person who’s giving you mixed messages is you!

I hope that helps you. Let me know how things go. I hope that you’ll start to celebrate this upcoming holiday season as a single woman who’s able and ready to start dating again. You deserve a healthy and happy relationship in your life! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right that you need help. What you’re feeling and doing to your relationship isn’t healthy or normal. The problem stems from your self esteem. If you were more confident that you were going to be okay with or without your boyfriend, then you wouldn’t need to make up incidents to cause his jealousy and then his expressions of how much he wants you. You’re basically manipulating him and trying to control his feelings because you’re afraid of losing him – or just his attention.

My guess is that this is a trait you inherited or learned from family, because when you mention that your family keeps “constantly reminding you” that he loves you, what you may be hearing is that they wan to make sure you hold on to him. This is an unusual message for family to give a 17 year old girl.

The reality I’d like you to see is that you’re going to be fine with or without him, and in fact the more independent you are, the happier and more intimate you’ll be in your relationship with him or any boyfriend you have.

I know this is going to seem incredibly difficult, but in order to get over your fear of losing him while he’s on holiday, you’re going to have to really focus on yourself in a healthy way. Stay busy. See friends. Go to movies, shop, cook, study, visit family, exercise, clean your closet – do what you need to do be okay while he’s gone. If you don’t learn to do this, you’re going to crash and burn the relationship you’re in now, as well as future relationships. So take your own question, and this answer, seriously.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you have a blended family you have to do a lot of compromising and letting go, and whether or not you’re insensitive and your husband is unreasonable is beside the point. What you need to do is make this situation work.

Get out of the power struggle you and your husband are having over your children. Your son has his own car, so why create a big to do over his not being allowed to drive the newer SUV that you and your husband own. If your husband doesn’t want your son to drive the new SUV, then let it go. Don’t get into the details of whether or not your son should or shouldn’t be paying for maintenance, or gas as a condition of using the new SUV. Just let your son drive his own car, and if he needs to borrow one of your cars, let him use the older car. Don’t make an issue of it. Roll your eyes, laugh about it, and understand that everyone has their quirks. Don’t look for a fight where there doesn’t need to be one.

As for your son’s driving you to the airport, take the older car so as to avoid a fight with your husband over something inconsequential. Being squished in a car for an airport drive is a far lower price to pay than having your family fighting.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Alcoholism is a disease that most people who have, can’t control without help. It’s a lot like your son’s life affecting disorder. This disease is something that needs lifelong attention. Sobriety rocks, but relapses are common.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease so without help, things are going to get worse for you, living with him. People usually deal with alcoholics by putting up boundaries that protect themselves from the chaos that alcoholics create. You’d probably get some comfort and support by attending Al-Anon meetings in your local community.

What makes this disease precarious is that just because an alcoholic is not drinking doesn’t mean that the personality type that goes with alcoholics disappears. It’s still there even when your husband isn’t drinking. Many people with addictive behavior will substitute one behavior for the alcohol when they stop drinking. Sometimes it’s smoking cigarettes, sometimes it’s compulsive exercise, sometimes it’s shopping. Often it’s sex.

As the spouse of someone with this issue, all is not lost — however, you’re going to have learn more about addiction, alcoholism and personality types that are prone to addictive behavior. You’re also going to have to learn how you can protect yourself — boundaries are important. Understanding is important. Education is important.

Honesty is going to be a challenge for your husband, because the disease becomes more important than any human relationship, to people with addictive personalities. He’ll want to hide behavior from you that points out his chaos-making. That’s why he got so angry with you about finding his cell phone and looking at the call history, then questioning him about the inappropriate calls. You threatened his relationship with the chaos he is prone to creating.

You can make this work, but you need some support yourself. Start with the Al Anon meetings, and let me know how things go.

I’m wishing you good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Buckle up because I’m going to be blunt with you. 😉

The problem is not her. It’s you. You are not a victim. You are a willing participant in an unhealthy threesome, and until you choose to have a healthy relationship, you’ll continue to be in contact with your ex-fiance who is dating another man.

There are 2 things you have to do to get healthy. One of them is to decide what you want in a woman. Make a list. I’m guessing it’s going to include loyalty, strong character, respect and healthfulness. Those four items on your list would eliminate your ex-fiance from ever being your Ms. Right.

The second thing to do is impose boundaries. Anyone who is not healthy should not be in your life — unless it’s your parents, spouse or children, and then you have a moral obligation to help them to the extent that you can. The more you associate with people who are troubled, like your ex-fiance, the less likely you will become healthy yourself. So cut off from her now. Don’t “fade out” as you mentioned in your post. Make the break clean, fast and be consistent about it.

Understand that your feelings of love don’t make your ex-fiance, or any woman for that matter, compatible. And without compatibility you have no future. So you can love puppies, movie stars and the beach in Tahiti, but that doesn’t mean you make any of them your home or family. The people you DO keep in your life are healthy ones. Your ex-fiance is not healthy.

As for your counselors that you’re seeing who focus on how you feel — what they’re trying to get you to do is acknowledge your process in the relationship so that you can make changes in it after understanding your part in it. I’m here to shortcut that whole dynamic for you. Most people don’t make changes until they’re ready to, and what makes them ready to change is some form of bottoming out — losing a marriage, health, a job, their money — and realizing that they don’t want to go on like they are any more. So they change because they’re alone, or broke, or homeless or jobless — or whatever their personal discomfort is. For other people who have some skill, they can telescope where their current unhealthy behavior is going to lead them before they get there. Because they don’t want to wind up unhappy or homeless, or cheated on (or whatever that bottom is for them), and they see that’s where they’re heading, they change their behavior prior to hitting bottom.

That’s what I’m trying to help you do — change your behavior to avoid a worse outcome than what you have because where you’re going with your ex-fiance is not a happy or healthy place. 🙄

There is no healthy future for you with your ex-fiance. Her mixed messages have nothing to do with your behavior. Mixed messages are the currency she uses to keep men like yourself in the game. It keeps her in control, as does her drama. Don’t contribute any more. Be your own person. Move on, and make this holiday season about you being healthy in your personal life and in all your relationships. That’s how you’ll be able to find love, respect and compatibility. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s putting out feelers to see if you’re still interested in him, but he’s not yet offering you anything other than to be one of the women he texts, collects photos from and dates. So don’t misread his message as one of reconciliation. He’s definitely missing you, but it’s totally your decision if you want to respond to him now that you’re not his girlfriend any more.

He’s probably dating other women, and he would like to date you, too, although not get back together in the complete way you were together during your monogamous relationship.

If you’re interested, all you need to do is respond. But it seems from your post like you’ve moved on, and that playing around with someone who’s not interested in giving you a full commitment (since he was the one to break off your relationship) is going to be a waste of your time.

Ultimately, whatever message he is sending you is way less important than what you want for yourself in a man. Keep your eye on the ball. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So glad I could help!
😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Congratulations on doing the work that’s gotten you to this point! 🙂 You’ve made strides.

The problem you’re facing has nothing to do with either man. The problem is your own courage to accept what you want in life and own it. If you want to get married, then you have to feel in your bones that you deserve to get married. And you have to have the courage to live your life with your personal goals as priorities.

Many women don’t feel that they deserve what they want, and the worst case scenario is that they accept what they get because they think that’s all they deserve. You’ve been giving yourself second best for a long time now — with your online affair and your in person relationship. It’s time for you to step out of your own shadow, and be the woman who gets what she wants. So bring that desire to get married out of it’s shell and start acting on it.

I know that sometimes I sound like a broken record, but my book, Think & Date Like A Man, would be a big help to you right now. It’s a book I wrote after hearing from so many women that like you, they aren’t getting what they want. This book was my response to their question of how to get Mr. Right. It’s helped a lot of women. Maybe it’s your turn to get help! 😉 You can download the book here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and read it by Monday.

Unless you really want to marry your current boyfriend, this job move needs to be your stage on which to become the star of your own show. In other words, this move abroad should be the opportunity to recreate yourself and evolve into the woman who gets the guy — and all of him! Not just some fantasy relationship or a 5 year plus relationship with a guy you’re cheating on with a fantasy affair.

You deserve it all, so go get it. Now! Make this holiday season a time of personal change and growth for you, and don’t look back. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s understandable that you’re confused because your girlfriend is being very confusing, but I can clarify this for you. Your girlfriend of four months doesn’t want to have sex with you any more. This is a deal breaker considering she is healthy.

While you can tell her your position, that you’re not interested in having a relationship with her without sex, and advise that she get counseling and medical help to get over her psychological issues with quitting sex with you and any side effects from medications she’s taking that would lower her sex drive to zero, that’s all [i]you[/i] can do. The rest is her deal.

If she’s not willing to meet your needs, which aren’t unreasonable, then you’re not compatible. And if you’re not compatible, there’s no future together.

I’m sorry to be blunt with you. I’m sure you wanted some fix for the relationship, but the fix is really in her court for her to take care of, and it doesn’t sound like she wants to change things. I’d hate to see you waste time with someone who isn’t Ms. Right.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is that you invite her out for a holiday lunch date. If you make it lunch, it’s not a full on romantic commitment like a dinner date or a movie date would be, but at the same time, it’s just the two of you at a table talking over a meal, which would send her the message that this could be the start of renewed dating. As for how to do it, just call her up and invite her to lunch! Tell her you’d love to see her, and you’ve got this great little place you’d like to take her. Don’t be afraid to show your cards a little — those cards being that you like her and want to spend some time alone with her.

Then, go with good intentions of rekindling, but be very aware that she may have moved on and may be seeing this as a lovely way to get together with an ex — as friends.

Take the high road, and if she’s not into you this time around, be okay with that, and be glad for the clarity. And as for any confusion — if you don’t get a green light, that means she’s not interested.

Good luck, and have a fun lunch! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is a great time for you to get my book, Think & Date Like a Man, written for women who want to find Mr. Right, get him — and keep him. I think you’d really get a lot out of it. It will help you avoid situations that are no win for you. You can buy the book at this link (only $15.95) [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and download it immediately. If you read it this weekend, your Christmas holidays are going to be really great! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My pleasure! Hope the advice helped. Have a very wonderful Thanksgiving. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should go.

This guy is never going to see you as someone he loves and respects, and he’s always going to be looking for someone better than you. When you mention that you were just a booty call for 2 years until you agreed to make a commitment, I’ve got to wonder why you were willing to be that booty call for so long. 😕

One of the things I always tell my readers is that when a man is interested in you he’ll invite you to meet his family and friends. Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are benchmarks for relationships. When your boyfriend wants you to meet his family and friends and to show up with you as a couple to these holiday festivities, you can rest assured he’s interested in you for the long term. Your boyfriend is basically doing the opposite! 🙄 He won’t go to your family’s Thanksgiving holiday and he’s going to a friend’s house for Thanksgiving without inviting you!

How much clearer do you need his message to be? You’re just someone who’s there, that he sleeps with and treats like a not very well respected roommate.

My advice is to enjoy your day with your family and then starting tomorrow, break up and move out. You need to find the self esteem that allows you to feel that you deserve respect from a man in your life. You’re not getting it from your current boyfriend, so find a man who does want you in every way — not just for booty calls.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From what you’ve written it sounds like your ex-girlfriend has moved on in her life, is happy and settled, and would like to be friendly with you. While it’s fine for her to want that it doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. If you’re at all harboring feelings for her, staying friendly probably isn’t a great idea. If you run into her, naturally, crossing paths in the supermarket or at a neighborhood function, then it’s good manners to be friendly, but staying in touch with ex-girlfriends can often lead to unsettled feelings at best.

My advice is not to think too much about the response she sent you (the blank e-mail) and just move on with your own life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re definitely not overreacting. Your neighbor is making a play for your husband, and your husband appears to be crossing appropriate boundaries. I’m not sure if he’s having sex with her, but he’s not being loyal to you.

My suggestion is that the two of you stop seeing these neighbors altogether. It doesn’t matter what he says to end it, he just has to end it.

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