[April Masini, your AskApril]

Oliviabud brings up an interesting point that when you date someone who’s already taken, you decrease your chances of being his one and only considerably. If you date someone who’s actually available, it’s a lot easier to trust and discern trust issues from other issues.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s 2 of us who think you should move on! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend sounds like he has some impulse control issues and some anger issues. To wake you at 3 a.m. over missing toilet paper in the guest bathroom sounds like there’s something else going on besides missing toilet paper. His behavior sounds so bizarre that I’m not sure you can reason with him.

The question becomes should you stay and accept his behavior as eccentric or should you go and face your own financial demons?

If you stay, he’s probably not going to change, and while some women love so much about their men that they overlook other problems, I’m not sure you’re going to be able to overlook his tantrums — especially when they’re interrupting your sleep and your next day activities.

If you can move out, you don’t have to live at the same standard you have now. In fact, downsizing is the new black, and everyone is doing it. Taking a roommate, or living with a relative until you can get on your feet financially are both viable options that you may consider.

From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like he’s the love of your life, or that he’s got many other assets than paying the bills. So, for that reason, I’m advising you to move out, move on, and get some sleep! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should not be dating this guy because you’re not compatible. You want a monogamous relationship and he wants to sleep with other people.

It’s really that simple. You’ve tried “selling” him on the idea of monogamy and he’s clearly said no.

Next!

And if you meet men on a sex site, it’s probably unlikely that they’re going to want monogamy — just sex. You might want to consider dating sites that are geared for traditional relationships.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right that your ex (?) boyfriend with whom you’re living with, is getting his cake and eating it, too. Lots of men want a woman they can come home to, and to go out and date or sleep with other women if they want to, also! The problem is he is making it clear he doesn’t want to marry you or be faithful to you — and you’re not going to be able to start dating other men as long as you’re still living with your ex-boyfriend.

The answer is pretty clear. You need to move out and deal with your financial challenges of paying the bills without him. It’s only when you’re available to men that they will begin to ask you out. What you’ve got now is a win-win for him and a no-win for you. 🙁

Next time around, I wouldn’t suggest moving in with a guy who’s never lived on his own, and is moving from his parent’s home to one with you. As you now know, extricating yourself from a live in relationship is a lot harder than just breaking up, so get your own house in order, and raise your dating bar a little higher next time.

I hope this helps — and good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are mistaking your girlfriend’s being open and honest with doing the right thing. If she wants to be loyal to you then she will. But what she’s doing is continuing her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. It isn’t his fault. It’s hers. If she doesn’t want him in her home, “No,” works really well! 🙄 If she wants to talk to him or text him she will. If she wants to show her loyalty to you, she’ll stop communicating with him. When he sends her gifts, rather than accepting them and thanking him, she could just send them back and not thank him.

You are the one who has to decide if you want to continue dating her since she seems to continue her contact with her ex-boyfriend who has made it clear he wants her back.

Frankly, it doesn’t seem like she’s meeting your needs in terms of intimacy and loyalty, and if those are important to you, then why waste any more time with her?

My vote is to move on and find someone who’s so into you she’d respect your feelings above any other guy’s.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I suggested watching The Way We Were as an example of a couple who has a great love, but isn’t compatible for the long run. Many of us have those great loves in our lives, and I was suggesting, based on what you’ve written, that perhaps you were having trouble letting go of your feelings for your ex-girlfriend because she was one of those great loves who isn’t Ms. Right for you in the long run.

I, personally, don’t know if she’s the one for you — I can only go by what you write, but since you’ve broken up with her, I would imagine she isn’t the right one. Otherwise, why break up? The way you will know if someone is Ms. Right is to know yourself, and to know what you want in a relationship from a woman. When a woman comes along and you find that she fits the mold — or most of it — and you think your life will be better with her than without her, then you’ll know she’s the one.

If your ex-girlfriend does contact you in the future, you can say whatever you want — but what is most important is to know yourself and your own mind and heart. If she’s not the one, then there’s really no sense in being friends. If she is, then you’ve got another shot at things.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wise words from sept211!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to use boundaries. What your boyfriend is doing is inconsiderate and disrespectful. However, rather than create drama, [i]calmly and firmly [/i]tell him that you can no longer take care of his son unless he’s given you 24 hours notice and you’ve agreed ahead of time to watch his son. Tell him that if he brings the boy over without getting your okay first, then you just won’t be able to take him. And….you have to stick to that rule.

If he continues to show up with his son without warning, then you have to say, with a smile on your face — “I’m so sorry, but I already have plans today, and I can’t take care of your son! I’d love to see him when I’m free — call me in advance next time so we can all be on the same page!” Then shut the door.

If he’s a good guy, he’ll get it and change his behavior. If he’s not a good guy, and gets resentful then you’ve figured out that this is not someone with whom you should move forward in a relationship. It’s not fair to you, your son, or his son to continue the dynamic you’ve both been engaged in.

I know this is going to be a little tough for you but if you don’t do it, things are going to get worse.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s acknowledging that you’re under a lot of stress, and he wants you to take the time to deal with whatever is causing the stress in your life, at which point, he wants to reconvene and decide if your relationship together is something you both want to pursue.

He’s basically asking you to take responsibility for yourself, which is a good thing. If you have stress that is impacting your relationship, then you need to deal with that stress so you can move on with your life and enjoy your relationships.

I hope that helps. Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your desire to have a child is understandable. Some women really want children, and others not so much. But having a child is a big responsibility, and choosing the circumstances under which to have your child is crucial. It doesn’t sound like you’re really that into this guy — especially when you write that after being with him for 2 years now “I don’t know if I really like this guy”. 😕 It just seems like he’s here, he’s breathing, he’s a good father to his own kids, and he’s got viable sperm. This is [i]not[/i] a good scenario to make a baby.

Remember that any potential baby you make with this man will have his genes, and if you don’t like the father, there’s a good chance you’re going to find all those same qualities you don’t like in him, in your baby! Besides which, a baby deserves a better chance in life than your mating with some guy you don’t like that much just to satisfy your own desire to have a child — when you already have one.

In addition to which you have fertility challenges, and your boyfriend’s mother is possibly going to be a big problem in your relationship with your boyfriend if you do marry and have a child together.

My advice is to focus on what you do have — a healthy child who is 6 years old. Be the mother to your child and be the best mother you can. And that, my dear, means being good to yourself. Don’t settle for two years on some guy you don’t like very much. It’s better to be on your own building towards something fantastic than settling at age 36 for someone who’s just okay.

In the meantime, to curb your baby fever, start volunteering with kids — there are so many opportunities to help children who don’t have any parents or have been abused or abandoned or are really sick or disdvantaged. This is a great season to start putting yourself in the light you deserve to stand in and helping others less fortunate than yourself.

I hope that that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just because we want things doesn’t mean we get them. Sometimes we forget that our own desires aren’t always supposed to be satisfied. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be — and that is for the best, even though it’s hard to be disappointed that you aren’t getting what you want in that moment.

Your current situation is not a good one in which to have another baby, so I would advise you not to get pregnant with your current 2 year boyfriend with whom you have doubts that are important. It’s not fair to bring a child into the world just because you want one. The downside of what could happen if you do get pregnant looms large. 😐

Your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 2 years of dating, and even though you have infertility challenges, it’s wrong to get pregnant in a panic — especially since you already have one healthy child. So slow down….big time. Be a good mother to your 6 year old, and decide if you really want to spend any more time with your current boyfriend who hasn’t proposed marriage after 2 years. If you really want a family first, since you already have one child, then your first order of business is to get married. If your current boyfriend isn’t going to marry you, then you need to move on and find someone who is Mr. Right — not Mr. Right Now, which is what it sounds like you’ve got. 🙁

If all you really want is another baby, then don’t have it with this guy. It’s not fair to you, him, the baby or your 6 year old to have a baby with someone who’s not committed and may not stick around. Worst case scenario is that he leaves and takes custody of the new baby, or that the baby has special needs and he’s not up for the energy required. Best case is that the pregnancy propels him into realizing stronger feelings for you and wanting to marry and make a family unit with you and the kids. But why gamble? 😕

For all you know, your next boyfriend may be someone who really wants to marry you and have a child with you. Although you have infertility issues, you’re 36 and not 46. Although I’m not an M.D., it seems like lots of women in their early 40s still have children with medical fertility support. In addition to which adoption is a wonderful and viable option that you can do at any age.

So, for now, my advice is not to get pregnant, to re-evaluate your relationship with Mr. Right Now, and to love and nurture your 6 year old. There are lots of ways to support your maternal yearnings other than having a baby of your own, and I hope that until your situation is more stable, you’ll use those outlets.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re having trouble letting go because you haven’t resolved your feelings about the relationship. You’re still wondering if things could have worked out if certain circumstances were different.

Given what you’ve told me in your two posts below, your relationship suffered long distance challenges. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain for the amount of time you maintained yours with your ex-girlfriend, and they’re even harder to move forward unless both people want EXACTLY the same thing at the same time.

I don’t see how, again, given what you’ve written, you could have made things work so that you had a better outcome because of the distance. While your ex-girlfriend may be unforgettable, she isn’t Ms. Right. There are people in all of our pasts who we still think about years and decades after we’ve seen them for the last time. That doesn’t mean that they are the ones we’re supposed to spend our lives with — in fact, they are usually people we SHOULDN’T spend our lives with, but nonetheless, they’re people who’ve made impressions on us, and have taught us or shown us things about ourselves.

While it’s a sophisticated concept, you can love someone while choosing not to see them and choosing to spend your life with someone else who is the love of your life, as opposed to one of your old loves.

You may be able to accept that idea and let yourself move on. If you have free time this weekend, rent an old movie called The Way We Were about a great love that wasn’t meant to be. But since everyone thinks you’re Mr. Steady and Stable — you might want to close the blinds when you watch this one, and not let any of your buddies know you’ve rented it! 😉

I hope that helps! Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words and I’m glad I was able to help! 🙂

You sound like you’ve got your head on your shoulders now, and you’re going to do what’s necessary. Although you may feel like you’ve created a mess, you have the tools to move through that mess, and regardless of the outcome, you’ll be able to create a life for yourself that includes a healthy and loving romantic relationship….when you’re ready and with the right guy.

Let me know how things go — and good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No. You should not take her back. If you do, you ARE the screw up you claim not to be.

You made some VERY bad decisions in dating this woman at all, and sleeping with her without protection. You need to wake up, smell the coffee, and start living your life responsibly.

If you’re 26 years old and have a 3 year old and a 4 year old already you need to put your children first and foremost in your life. Stop talking about how much sexual chemistry you have with this woman and how much fun you have together. Your fun comes second to your children’s well being, and they’re not safe if you’re dating her. You say that before you dated her she was an alcoholic, pill-popping abuser, in your own words. News flash: she hasn’t changed.

You’re not only putting yourself in danger, but you’re endangering the lives of your children. That your ex-girlfriend is now pregnant with your baby and is drinking, smoking and doing drugs means that your baby will probably be born with birth defects at worst and developmental and neurological problems at least. If you don’t want her to abort the baby, then you need to use birth control in the first place so you’re not ever put in the position. 🙄

So, since you’ve only been together for 7 months, you need to stop seeing her, etc. Get a lawyer so that if she does have the baby you can get full custody of the child because she is an addict. If she has an abortion, there’s nothing you can do about it. Your chance to do something about it passed when you didn’t use a condom. Your concern that she hooked up with someone while you were apart is silly. Based on her history as you’ve described it, she’s going to hook up with people and use other bad judgment. If she didn’t, that would be news.

I know that this is harsh, but you need to get your own act together and be a full on fabulous father for your 3 and 4 year old — and possibly your newborn to come. Buckle up!

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