[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s great that you moved on, and you should focus on dating people who are healthy and happy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not divorcing because both he and his wife are happy with the arrangement. He’s been married twice, and his wife and kids probably have legal and financial benefits as a result of remaining married to him. You mentioned that he has many businesses, and if he divorces, his business and income will be affected in a negative way. Some men would rather be divorced and move on, but he and his wife and his ex-wife all vacation together — which means that they’ve got a happy relationship in spite of living with lovers. And you go along with it, so he’s got a good deal going for himself all around. I hope that helps you understand why he isn’t divorcing. I don’t think that your sleeping in a separate bedroom will get him to divorce his wife. After three years together, he has no motivation to divorce and lots of motivation to keep the status quo.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Maybe something’s wrong. She could be sick or had an accident. Why not stop by and make sure she’s okay?

If you write back, let me know how old you both are and how long you’ve been dating.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand your concern. You’re wanting to marry, but you want stability and he’s 28 with no sign of a steady career. The question is why does he not have a stable career. If it’s because he’s a slacker, that’s one thing. If he’s trying to be a concert pianist, chances are the job market is incredibly tough for that skill set! That said, is he being unrealistic, lazy, or is it just a tough job market for his career path?

His short temper is probably not going to go away, so you can decide if you want to be with someone with this temperament, knowing it may get worse as stressors like kids and finances come. And his appearance is your call. If you can marry someone who looks the way he does, then you should go for it. But if it’s a deal breaker, then you should move on — however, I really kind of hear you making a case for moving on. This isn’t just about his absence of success. You’re making it about his looks, lack of fitness and temper, as well. That makes me think you want to move on. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sounds good!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask girl number two first. She sounds more compatible. If she says no, then ask girl number one, but don’t go shot for shot with her. You be the designated driver, and don’t be ashamed of your behavior. It’s perfectly fine and even desirable! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that things are so difficult for you.

The reality is that he isn’t you into you any more. [b]You [/b]took care of him like a mother — and [b]he[/b] wanted a girlfriend, so he finally got on his own two feet, and went out and got one. 😕 You have to look at this realistically in order to to get over it. 😉 You’re focused on all you did right and to move forward, you have to take responsibility for your own mistakes. I’m not sure you’re there yet.

As for your parents, you’re lying to them so you don’t disappoint them because feeling good is more important to you than being honest . 😳 When you decide that you want to take the high road and have honest and mature relationships more than you want to feel good, you’ll be able to move past this problem. But until you do, you’re stuck in it.

These are your choices. You’re not a victim. You get to live your life the way you want, but there are consequences to behaviors. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not getting divorced because he has no motivation to do so. People act because they want to. They want to because by acting something will be better for them — or will be less worse than it is. They’ll take their hand off a hot stove to avoid further pain. Or they’ll reach for ice cream because they want the treat. Your boyfriend doesn’t have a motivation on either side to get divorced.

So, let’s look at the real problem: Are you okay being with him, as long as he’s married to someone else? If you are, then you should continue as you’ve been doing. If you’re not, then you have to face the reality that unless you change your own behavior, your life will remain the same. I know this is tough but you have to be the one to take action — not him. I know you don’t want to move out, but that would be my advice, simply because you want to be with someone who will marry you. You have to put your goals front and center.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it!

Listen. If she’s only been dating him for a few months, and it’s long-distance, it’s not a sure thing. My advice is to compete for her. Ask her out on a date, and make sure she knows it’s a date, so you don’t get friend zoned. Get to know her and see if she’s someone you want to fight for. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not mature enough to be in a relationship with you. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad person — he just wants things to go his way all the time, and he isn’t respectful or empathetic of your life. Some people never outgrow this. Some do. However, you’re correct to question his behavior in more difficult circumstances like marriage and divorce, having a sick kid, getting fired, having an accident. I’m sure there is a lot to love there, but your fiancé isn’t exhibiting behavior that makes him a compatible spouse and while love is grand, it’s not enough to sustain the day to day challenges of a relationship. You need more compatibility in this case. What you have won’t go the distance. You’re realizing that now. I’m happy to validate your concerns. Time to move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I re-read your post, and I don’t see that she told you about the boyfriend — someone else did. All the signals she is sending you are clear, not mixed. You’re the one who’s got the mixed emotions, not her. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to have a healthy relationship with anyone is to be healthy, yourself. 😉 That’s where you have to start. You’re behaving in ways that don’t take good care of yourself, and that makes it difficult for you to bring a healthy you to any relationship.

So, let’s start off with honesty. You haven’t been honest with your family about your behavior in this relationship or the person you’ve been involved with. Start there. It will be difficult because you’re used to controlling situations by withholding the truth. Tell them what’s been going on. They will be disappointed, and maybe angry, but you’ve been trying to control your relationship with them by not being honest. Time to change your behavior and your relationship with them. Honesty is more important than their being proud of you.

Next, try to understand that if you act like a guy’s mother, he’s going to act like your child. If you want to be a mother, then be one — with a real child, don’t turn your boyfriend into your kid. When you support him financially, and his family, you’re not acting a girlfriend. And you have to really decide if you want to be a girlfriend. If you do, then you have to act like one. 😉

Lastly, you’ve been giving time and money to someone with problems. This isn’t helping him in the long run, and it sure hasn’t helped you. You’ve enabled him, instead of giving him the opportunity to stand on his own two feet. You have to become comfortable with the fact that life is tough and if you want someone who can support himself and behave in a certain way, then you have to choose that person wisely. Instead, you chose someone who wasn’t that kind of guy. 🙁

I know you’re disappointed and depressed, but if you can take a few steps back, I think you may be able to see that this is a big opportunity for you to change your life for the better. You can make some changes in yourself and find a relationship with someone who is more compatible than this guy who’s moved on because he doesn’t a mother in a girlfriend — he wants someone he can take care of. 😉

Let me know if you have any more questions. I know this is a lot and it’s difficult. I’m here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what you think is mixed about these signals. To me, it sounds like she likes you and wants you to ask her out on a date. Invite her to dinner and if she says she’s a homebody, tell her that she can cook and you’ll bring champagne or wine — or you’ll bring the takeout and ask her what time on Saturday she wants you to be there. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck! 🙂

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